Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: The Collective Real Housewives of Wherever

Posted at 1:00 PM Aug 18, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


So how many Real Housewives spin-offs are there now?  Orange County?  NYC?  Boise?  (I'm kidding about Boise ... for now.)  I fear this franchise is turning swine flu on us, spreading rapidly from couch potato to couch potato until we all collapse in on ourselves, sickened by a terrible case of conspicuous consumption.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why these shows continue to hold value for people, especially in the midst of a recession. I get the fact that these women are tacky, nouveau riche types, and it's fun to laugh at them as they haul plastic surgery versions of themselves around their McMansions and gossip with one another about whatever stupid nonsense fills their social circles.  But honestly, if you want vapid, mindless trash, there have got to be at least 200 better versions of this show on the air.  (Is this the time to admit to being frighteningly addicted to Kendra on the E! channel?)

I would actually rather watch real--really real--housewives struggle with the everyday stuff of life than view kooky-eyed Teresa caterwauling and flipping tables over.  Ultimately, despite the histrionics, it's a yawn fest after the first 5 minutes, and it should probably be canceled.  To the catty, spoiled ladies of "Real Housewives", I have only one question ... WTF?

Women who make us ask WTF: Paula Abdul

Posted at 8:30 AM Aug 11, 2009

By Kathleen Willcox

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Srsly. Paula. WTF?!

I remember spending many an embarrassing (in retrospect) middle school Friday night with my girlfriends. We wore patterned tights, neon scrunchies and billowy button downs whilst popping buttery popcorn, dishing about the cute boys in our class and dancing and singing right along with Paula and MC Skat Cat in Opposites Attract. 'Twas a Grammy Award-winning gem from '91 when she was at the pinnacle of her poptastic, choreographic, sassy-lady, sexy dancin' powers.

Ah, the halcyon days when it was possible to watch music videos on MTV. Before all of our favorite pop stars (holla Whitney, Madonna, Janet!) lost their schizzle and turned to bad marriages, drugs and bizarre religions. Before they starting churning out craptastic music and slurring their words and generally failing to string together coherent sentences during interviews.

When did it all fall apart? And why is Paula "The Gift" Abdul consistently the most embarrassing member of the befuddled band of deteriorating divas?

Paula's status as Prime Time's Hot Mess Du Jour temporarily looked like it was drawing to a close. Reports that she'd "chosen" to leave American Idol rather than get paid less than the salary she'd asked for set the blogosphere abuzz with chatter about when a train wreck becomes a train wreck. No longer a gory draw to gawk at, but a sad, smoking, hurly-gurly mess that needs to be hauled away and stashed in a dump far from pryin' eyes.

(N.B.: Former AI contestants have rallied for Paula, saying she was the sole judge/boss lady who actually humanized the often stressful and humiliating process. Which just goes to show you how colossally and mind-bogglingly FAIL AI is if The Gift is the sole beacon of rational, humane behavior among the Adults In Charge Behind the Scenes.)

Desperate for better ratings, ABC is willing to take a gamble on America's continued WTF? fascination with Paula. That's right folks - strap on your safety helmets - the P bomb is being dropped on Dancing With the Stars. In the meantime, if you ever need a quick WTF Paula fix, there's always her uber-entertaining Twitter feed.




Women who make us ask WTF: Orly Taitz

Posted at 12:00 PM Aug 04, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

It's incredibly fitting that every time I see Orly Taitz's name written, the first thing that comes to my mind is skeptical internet speak: "O RLY?" Taitz, who is apparently a dentist (!?) and a lawyer (sayeth HuffPo) is the flustered leader of the "birther" movement, which claims that Barack Obama was born not in Hawaii, but Kenya.

Just in time for Obama's birthday, Taitz lost her shit on MSNBC yesterday in an interview with David Shuster. Highlight: she calls the anchors Nazis (2:16) and then gets upset about people saying mean things about her. But the best part comes at 5:31, when Shuster asks her if she refused an NBC limo because the driver had a Muslim-sounding name. Listen closely for someone cracking up in the studio in the background.



Just look into her hollow Eurotrash eyes and tell me this woman doesn't define crazy. Even Ann Coulter has dismissed the birther movement (can we call it that?) as a bunch of "cranks." When Ann Coulter thinks you're nutbags, that's when we have to ask: Orly Taitz, WTF?

(Bonus! Check out her awesome website.)

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Women Who Date Jon Gosselin

Posted at 10:45 AM Jul 28, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


Alright, so a post I once wrote about how much Kate Gosselin of the disastrous Jon & Kate Plus 8 makes me wanna puke has gotten quite a few hits, with most people agreeing that this castrating nightmare deserves everything she gets, including the recent split of her marriage.  (Of course, there are some sympathizers out there.  Then again, there were Nazi sympathizers once, too.)

ANYway, this post is not so much about Kate (who, according to a new TLC sneak peek, is soldiering on, insisting that she will do all she can for the money ... I mean, her kids).  No, the focus of this post is on the women who for some reason are attracted to Kate's ex, the tubby, remarkably bland Jon Gosselin, who is partying like it's 1999.  (Seriously, he's 32, and lately he's been acting like he's 22.)

First, there was the 23-year-old school teacher, Deanna Hummel, whose loving brother charmingly tattled on his sis to the tabs.  Apparently she was too boring for the even more boring Jon, because she was soon dumped for Hailey Glassman, a hard-partying chica who vacationed with Mr. Yawn in Saint-Tropez and who apparently likes to have her picture taken while druuuuuuunk.  But Jon Gosselin hasn't stopped there.  His latest flame is reported to be a woman named Kate Major, a Star reporter who has left her job over the tryst.  She's the oldest of the fame whore triad at 26, so at least that's ... good?  (Not sure on that.)

Now if this regular category were entitled Men Who Make Us Ask WTF?, trust me, Jon Gosselin would be its weekly topic.  But it's not.  It's about women, and it seriously strikes me as odd that any woman would want to attach herself to such a lump of slack.  What is his appeal?  His unemployed, reality star status or his eight children and nightmare ex-wife?  Or could it possibly be ... the hair plugs

Seriously, ladies...WTF?
  

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Phyllis Schlafly

Posted at 8:00 AM Jul 21, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


Just for fun, let's go retro for this edition of Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?  Now I can't say what it was that got me thinking about Phyllis (maybe I was itching for a good beehive hair don't), but if there was ever a woman who deserved a WTF shout out, it's our gal Phyllis.

For you young 'uns out there, you may not know who Phyllis Schlafly is, so I'll put it simply:  she is horrible.  Founder of the ultra-conservative Eagle Forum, she was the main champion against the Equal Rights Amendment back in the day, coming up with all kinds of ridiculous propaganda against a clause that simply wanted to ensure equal protection for women under the law.  (Unisex bathrooms?  Noooooo!)  Many blame her for its failure to gain ratification, thus ensuring that our Constitution will probably never explicitly protect women and men equally under the law.

What bugs me the most about Phyllis is that while she always advocated that a woman's place was in the home, that didn't stop her from being a writer, lawyer, and activist who regularly traveled to speaking engagements around the country.  Ol' Phyllis didn't mind telling other women what to do; she just wasn't going to follow her own advice.

Add to that her belief that married women can't be raped because they're married and the thinly-veiled racism that is part of her past (she once advocated against the Republican Party including a plank about civil rights), and you've got the makings of a person whose belief system is so backward and antiquated, it pains me that she still has a voice in modern political debate.

Oh, and did I mention she thinks some of the best things to happen to women are paper diapers and the electric dryer?  Seriously, lady...WTF?

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Debbie Rowe

Posted at 8:00 AM Jul 14, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


Now that The Gloved One is good and buried (we think), the Michael Jackson death story is sure to be over, right?  Wrong.  Now the media can frantically begin attacking the next event in this saga - who gets custody of the kids?

Which leads us to this week's WTF, California's most famous womb renter and the mother of two of Jackson's kids, Debbie Rowe. 

Rowe claims she gave birth to MJ's two older children as a favor to Michael because she knew he would make such a wonderful dad who would one day wrap his children's faces in masks and dangle them outside hotel windows.  Now a horse breeder with her own ranch, Rowe frankly admitted to a British paper that, "I was just the vessel...just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was his thoroughbred."

Thanks for the image.

Rowe seems unsure of what she wants in this life, going to court to have her parental rights terminated, then reinstated.  And while she certainly has lived well off her job as Michael's baby mama (her ranch is worth millions), she also thinks she has the right to be completely left alone in this mess, going so far as to curse out the paparazzi.

There's not one coherent statement I can make about this woman.  Is she a gold digger?  A loon?  A fame whore?  Or a recluse who would rather spend her days inseminating her horses?  And, perhaps most importantly, will she finally end up being a mother to her kids?  The answers for now are uncertain, but what is definite is that Debbie Rowe deserves a big ol' WTF.

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Jenny Sanford

Posted at 7:30 AM Jul 07, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu

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Jenny Sanford has been getting a lot of press recently, and for good reason.  Her husband, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, recently professed to the national press that his Argentinian mistress was his soul mate and he was going to try to fall back in love with his wife.

Through a series of apparently carefully calculated statements quoting everyone from Desmond Tutu to the Bible, Jenny Sanford appears to be willing to stay with her husband.  "Forgiveness opens the door for Mark to begin to work privately, humbly and respectfully toward reconciliation with me," she said, acknowledging her husband's "lack of judgment" and "egregious offenses."  Although she admits to having asked Mark to leave prior to his Appalachian journey, she now states, "I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage."

Really?

I was surprised to find a lot of the buzz surrounding Ms. Sanford has been positive.  Ruth Marcus of The Washington Post writes that Jenny is a new political role model with nerves and determination and a "practical vision of real love and what it takes to make a marriage work."  Sorry, but I think to make a marriage work, your husband has to at least admit to loving you.

Kathleen Deveny of Newsweek is calling her a "media genius" who has "demonstrated a far savvier political instinct for self-preservation and political spin than her husband."  (Frankly I don't think it takes much to beat Mark Sanford at the spin game.)

I know that you're never supposed to judge another couple's marriage.  And I'm not saying that adultery should be an automatic reason to bail.  But what I am saying is that if a man openly professes his love for another woman when he's supposed to be with you, it's time to hit the road.  Or better yet, have him hit it.  Jenny, pride is gonna keep you warmer in bed a lot longer than that cheating bastard ever will.  Kick him to the curb.  Otherwise, you deserve a big ol' "WTF?"

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Karissa and Kristina Shannon

Posted at 8:00 AM Jun 30, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu

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"Hi!  I'm Kristina!"

"And I'm Karissa."

(giggle, giggle)

"And we're Hef's new girlfriends!  Isn't that soooo cute?  Identical twins for Hef!"

(giggle, giggle)

"Okay, so this is Karissa talking, and I just have to say that it really is true what I said in US Weekly about us not caring that Hef can't tell us apart.  It really doesn't bother us one bit!  Not as long as we get to stay at the mansion!"

"Seriously!  I mean, who cares if he doesn't know I'm Kristina?  The only problem with things right now is Kendra left her room so stinky.  I really need to have the mansion staff clean it again."

"Tell me about it, Karissa!  Bridget's room is covered in Wednesday and Gizmo's animal hair!"

"OMG, how grody!!!"

(giggle, giggle)

"Kristina, we were born in 1989, did you know that?"

"Duh, Karissa, I was there, remember?"

(giggle)

"Well, guess what year Hef was born in?"


Read more Women Who Make Us... >>

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Pastor Melissa Scott

Posted at 10:00 AM Jun 23, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu

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Some late nights when I can't sleep, I'll find myself watching just about anything on the tube.  And for some reason, Pastor Melissa Scott is just about always on.

Do you know who I'm talking about?  The long-haired, sexy pastor/widow who was once married to the late Dr. Gene Scott, a cigar-smoking, screaming television evangelist who regularly cursed out his followers and demanded their money out of his church in Los Angeles.  (He definitely deserves his own WTF?)

Now Pastor Melissa is having her day, swishing across the stage, breaking down Bible verses into strange languages and talking in circles until she literally makes my brain hurt.  The whiteboards that litter her stage are filled with writing in foreign languages, and she loves to circle words with her colored markers and nod wisely and toss back her hair.  (Despite her claim that she is fluent in twenty languages, I've never seen her write in anything other than English - the foreign words are already on the board when the camera starts rolling.  Hmm.)

To add to the mystery, Marie Claire writer Gretchen Voss recently published a startling piece that seems to suggest the holy woman is actually a former porn star who once went by the name Barbie Bridges and was one of Dr. Gene Scott's "pony girls."  (Read the article to understand because I really don't want to get into it.)

The weird thing is, Melissa hasn't actually denied the rumors.  ("You defend that, what else do you start defending?" she told Voss.)  She just preaches on, wearing her stiff ministerial collars and circling all the big words on her board.  She's lovely to look at, but she definitely deserves a WTF? 

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Denise Richards

Posted at 11:00 AM Jun 16, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu

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I wonder what Denise Richards does all day.  I mean, not enough to actually watch her reality show, but seriously, what, exactly, does Denise Richards do with her life?

I think she was on Dancing with the Stars once, right?  Or maybe not.  She was in that movie where she sucked face with Neve Campbell.  Has she done any commercials?  Is she related to the Noxzema skin girl?  They look alike.  Gee, I wonder what ever happened to Noxzema skin girl?  If Denise Richards has her own reality show, why doesn't she?

She got divorced from Charlie Sheen, yes.  She has kids - two girls, I think.  Oh, okay, y'all, I just went and checked and she does have a fan club.  Well, that's nice for her, I suppose.

I just do not understand why this woman is famous.  Or has a show.  Or does much of anything at all.  I love how the title of her show is Denise Richards: It's Complicated.  What, exactly, is complicated?  She's kinda cute with big boobs and she teeters around on her high heels while coming up with stuff to talk about on camera for her boring show.  Why is that complicated?  That's not complicated at all.  It's actually quite boring. 

Maybe her show should be Denise Richards: It's Boring or Denise Richards: I Honestly Have No Idea Why I'm On This or Denise Richards: WTF?  

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Kristen Stewart

Posted at 11:00 AM Jun 09, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


Is it just me, or does Kristen Stewart seem supremely irksome?

I mean, in terms of the ladies who have made me say WTF, Kristen is pretty low on the totem pole.  She's not a total hot mess.  Mostly, she just strikes me as a stoner babe with a pretty face who talks nonsensically about things like driving from London to Russia (see the above Letterman clip - classic.)

But sometimes her too-cool-for-schoolness just rubs me the wrong way.  I mean, come on, she's gets cast as Bella in the Twilight series films and in this interview blabs on about how "it really caters...it really facilitates work that I love" while snarkily saying the second film in the series (New Moon) is "very epic." 

Please girl, like you can just sit around now, filing your nails and waiting for Jim Jarmusch to take your calls because you deigned to play a teen girl filled with vampire lust?  You should be kissing Stephenie Meyer's Mormon butt!  Does it kill you that much to have to be in a popular movie?

She's always rubbing her eyes and doing this weird affected stutter and acting like she just woke up and can't be bothered.  In interviews, she acts calculatedly bored and says odd things like, "I'm entirely self-indulgent" and "I definitely have a future in academics, but it's just not really a conventional one."

The truth is, I shouldn't be so harsh on Miss Stewart.  When I was 18, I acted the very same way.  Only I wasn't banking major dollars and appearing on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.  So frankly, I think I'm entitled to a little WTF.

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Jessica Biel

Posted at 8:30 AM Jun 02, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu

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Life's tough when you're gorgeous.  So says Jessica Biel in a recent Allure magazine interview in which she claimed her good looks are "a problem...I have to be blunt."  She added that she simply wants "an opportunity" and that it's one thing to be rejected after an audition but "if you don't even want to see me - that's hurtful."

Not to be a snot, Ms. Biel, but could it be that you sucked in 7th Heaven?

I mean, seriously, she's pulling out the "I'm too pretty" card?  Really?  She is quite attractive, most definitely, although I would dare say there are many other ladies just as pretty if not prettier.  But come on, girl.  You were in the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre!  You date Justin Timberlake!  And you sucked in 7th Heaven.  So just suck it up, get your free swag when you present at awards shows, and move on.

I'm too pretty?  Yes, yes, dear, that's it.  That's Angelina Jolie's problem, too, last I heard.  WTF?

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Tori Spelling

Posted at 8:30 AM May 26, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


Okay, so I'm sorry you grew up like a poor little rich girl, and I'm sorry you had a Bad Mommy, and I'm sorry Daddy died and only left you a little bit of his money (which is still a lot if you ask me), but seriously, girl, what is up with you?

I don't understand Tori Spelling.  And I actually read her book sToritelling (which I purchased at the airport in a fit of insanity fueled by those big chewy pretzels they sell from those carts plus two gin and tonics at the airport bar).  Anyway, I read sToritelling and still don't quite understand why this woman continues to get her own television shows where she coos at her greasy husband and runs around getting book deals (two of them!), selling jewelry on the Home Shopping Network, and running an inn or whatever.

I wonder if she ever considered just going to college and becoming a CPA or an insurance underwriter or a teacher or something?

Plus, she's gotten crazy, freaky skinny lately.  So skinny her fake ta-tas look even more fake if that is even possible.  At the same time, I cannot look away from this insanity.  I found myself watching one of her reality shows this weekend where she and her hubby had a housewarming party and RuPaul was a guest.  As I sipped a beer and watched the madness, I wondered what had happened to me that compelled me to sit on a couch and watch Donna hold her baby and play in the pool and chat with a six-foot drag queen who looked better than her.

Anyway, I know this is just an evil, nasty rant, and I'm sure if I grew up in a mansion with Candy Spelling I'd have issues, too.  That said, I cannot help but look at this woman and just think...WTF? 

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Nancy Grace

Posted at 9:00 AM May 19, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


Nancy Grace scares the Hell out of me.  Seriously.  It's like I half expect her to come knocking on my door at any given moment and accuse me of being a Tot Mom Killer.  And I don't even have any children.

At the same time, I'm sort of unable to stop watching her.  Her Southern-belle lilt mixed with her Hard.  Hitting.  Delivery.  With.  Lots.  Of.  Important.  Pauses has some sort of hold on me and the millions of others who watch her nightly program on CNN Headline News.  Sure, she's gotten a bad rep for supposedly driving a woman to suicide with her tough questioning, and she has no problem embarrassing herself by asking totally inappropriate questions of teenage crime victims like Elizabeth Smart.  But little mix-ups like that don't stop our Nancy!

It's her self-righteous anger and obsessive use of rhetorical questions that really makes me wild.  The way she blusters and heaves and shakes her finger at people who are still technically innocent until proven guilty.  And I love her criteria for determining what cases she'll cover.  Missing white lady?  Covered!  Dead babies (or "tots" as she prefers to call them)?  Covered!  Photos of her twins?  Covered!

Yes, that's right...Nancy's twins have their very photo gallery section on her show website, so if you're desperate to see two babies celebrate St. Patrick's Day, never fear.  Nancy's here.

For her braggadocio, her passion, her relentless prosecution of today's truly sexy crime stories, I can simply only look at Nancy and ask...WTF?
 

Women Who Make Us Ask WTF?: Kirstie Alley

Posted at 12:30 PM May 12, 2009

By Jennifer Mathieu


So Kirstie Alley is "fat" again, and she won't shut the hell up about it.  (And can I take a second to add that I don't even think she looks that bad?  She's a little thick, sure, but she's still a good-looking lady in my opinion.)

In a recent interview with People, the former Jenny Craig spokesperson prattles on about how she loves butter and Chinese food too much, and beats herself up for gaining back all the weight she lost on the famous weight loss program.  (Hmm...do you suppose being paid to lose weight and having prepackaged foods delivered to the house and then having those things disappear had anything to do with the weight gain?  Just wondering.)

Kirstie is making the media rounds, appearing on Oprah and in all the tabs to discuss her weight.  I know it's a tired drum to beat, but if a male celebrity had lost and gained back weight, would anyone care?  Everybody with me now, No.

If Seth Rogen gains back the weight he's taken off recently, will that make him less appealing in the eyes of Hollywood?  Will anyone even notice?  No.  If Al Roker starts packing on the pounds again post weight loss surgery, do you think The Today Show will kick him off the air, and he will be forced to do the mea culpa thing a la Carnie Wilson?  No.

In one of the most distressing quotes in the People interview, Alley admits, "I have to be below 140 to really look good. I have to work my legs like crazy. Actually, do you want my real goal? My real goal's always too low. I love the way I look at, like, 128. One time on Cheers, I weighed about 148 lbs., and they told me to lose, like, 20 lbs. Now, I'm 5'8", so at 148 lbs., I wasn't fat. But they're saying, "You know, you need to lose 20 lbs." So what does that put me at? 128. That's where I keep getting this number."

My God.  I think that pretty much speaks for itself.  All I'll add is that I wish Alley would stop focusing and talking about her weight so much and go back to being the funny, sassy comedic actress we know and love.  And I wish that the popular press and the entertainment industry would let her do it.
 
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