What Would Courtney Love Do? Valentine's Day

Posted at 11:00 AM Feb 09, 2010

By Tolly Moseley

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Kids, can I tell you something? I've always had a soft spot for Courtney Love. Even though she attacks people. Even though we've all seen more of her breasts than we'd care to admit. Even though, let's face it, bitch be CRAZY.  And that's precisely my point: in a world of American Idol, Taylor Swift and the upcoming packaged-in-pink Hollywood A-Team fest that is Valentine's Day, I think ol' Courtney provides an important counterbalance. She's sort of like our collective id, you know what I mean? Many people WANT to punch somebody else in the face ... Courtney Love actually does it. And then describes it as "orgasmic." That's some balls.

Even though we think we may know everything there is to know about Courtney Love, these random facts about her life pop up from time to time that just make so much sense. For example: a slumber party she had with Peaches last summer. Of COURSE she had a slumber party with Peaches! Can't you picture it? Truth or Dare ... light as a feather ... paint each other's naked bodies in chocolate and microwaved Velveeta Cheese and scream at strangers to lick it off both of you. (At least this is what I envision a Courtney Love/Peaches slumber party to be). 

For all her etiquette faux pas, I think Courtney Love is startlingly more self-aware than any of us give her credit for, and I seriously do love her for that. "I'm the edge, but you can't really go past me. I guess Keith [Richards] can, but I sort of set the barrier of behavior," she told Spinner last month. Indeed you did set that barrier, Courtney. And on a holiday that simply begs for inappropriate behavior, is there really anyone better to turn to for a dose of unscripted, non-publicist approved sentiment? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Valentine's Day: What would Courtney Love do?

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What Would Mall Madness Do?: Unlimited corporate spending

Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 28, 2010

By Tolly Moseley

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This week's "What Would __ Do?" post is brought to you by VICTORIA'S SECRET! On behalf of awesome Heartless Doll writers with equally awesome boobs, we encourage you to read this post! At HEARTLESS DOLL and VICTORIA'S SECRET, we support women, and we support boobs, too. Thank you, America.

I'm just kidding. This week's post is not brought to you by a corporate sponsor. You see, I'm still trying to sort out my thoughts regarding last week's Supreme Court ruling on unlimited corporate spending on elections, and wanted to know, however briefly, what it would feel like to conflate my own "free speech" with a company that paid for it. From the Los Angeles Times:

"In a landmark 5-4 decision, the court's conservative bloc said that corporations had the same right to free speech as individuals, and for that reason the government could not stop corporations from spending to help their favored candidates."

What a GRAND IDEA. By which I mean, WTF SRSLY, Supreme Court?

I'm sorry, but personally, I don't buy the argument that this is purely a "free speech" issue. Especially since this decision was reached by five justices who were Republican nominees, but that is beside the point. The point is: corporations and people ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

Now, it's my right as a natural born citizen of the United States, operating under the First Amendment, that allows me to say that. Thank you, First Amendment! (Seriously, no snark here.) Of course, Wal-Mart could issue a press release right now saying it plans to watch Sex & The City and paint its fingernails next Tuesday, but that would be silly, wouldn't it? It would never do that, because we know how to distinguish speech from a person and speech from a corporation.

But. If you walk your fingers down a few amendments to the Fourteenth, corporations are legally "people," and as such are accorded equal rights to free speech. They are 100 percent allowed to personify their corporations through ads, and now, run as many ads for political candidates as they want to. And that is the deploringly ridiculous reason that Hillary: The Movie helped undo 100 years of campaign finance restrictions.

So let's not pretend this is a lofty point of free speech contention and that's that. This is not a straight-up Democrat vs. Republican thing, either, as one majorly important Republican co-authored a bill 8 years ago limiting party contributions, and the ruling also applies to labor unions. No, what we are arguing about here is the larger balance between government and corporations (and yes, that does appear to be what we it's always about). We are arguing whether or not the speech from a single working mom should be treated as the same speech from Exxon-Mobile. Because, you know, her ability to sway millions of Americans on their elected leaders may be a little different than fucking Exxon's.

Since this column is actually not about campaign finance laws, but about people and things from our collective memory of the '80s and '90s, I got to thinking ... was there ever a time when a corporation DID speak to me? And then I remembered a little game called Mall Madness, which literally talked to me all the time. Out of a small, battery-activated box. How did I feel about the Mall Voice talking to me then? Pretty pumped! How would I feel about the Mall Voice talking to me now? In light of this way more grown-up version of personified corporations, I am not so sure. What would Mall Madness do with regard to corporate campaign spending, then? It's after the jump.

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What would the cast of 'Empire Records' do?: The Conan conundrum

Posted at 8:00 AM Jan 14, 2010

By Tolly Moseley

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Remember when Gin Blossoms completely rocked your world? Remember when Ethan Embry was the adorable little skater boy of your dreams? Remember when music stores existed? Friends, I think you and I are talking about the same thing. I think we're talking about Empire Records!

Back when Liv Tyler was just Alicia Silverstone's sidekick in all those Aerosmith videos, and back before dirty words like "Napster" existed, I dreamed of working at Empire Records. A place where you could stomp around in your Doc Martens while screaming "DAMN THE MAN!" A place where you could throw rock concerts on the roof and spontaneous dance parties with customers inside, pumping up your Toad the Wet Sprocket like you just didn't care. Fuck yeah, Empire Records! This ain't no Music Town!

So who better than the kicky cast of this '90s dramedy to proffer bits of wisdom on Conan O'Brien? Conan, as you may recall, is facing a similar "damn the man" moment himself. (Pause. Rather than simply linking to that article - on ABC News - I feel compelled to copy and paste it's full title: "Conan O'Brien Swings at NBC, Calls Network a 'Pimp' and Himself a 'Ho.")

Anyhoo, faced with such a grave corporate and network debacle, what would the cast of Empire Records do?

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What Would Jessie Spano Do?: New Year's Resolutions

Posted at 8:00 AM Jan 05, 2010

By Tolly Moseley

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[Welcome to "What Would __ Do?"  It is a new column where we take a current event or pop culture item, and imagine how a notable lady from the '80s or '90s might respond.  It's like a mash-up, except instead of putting two existing things together, we are inventing half of it! Enjoy!]

Now that we are safely out of the aughts but still trying our darndest to come up with a catchy moniker for the decade ahead (the "tens?" The "two-thousand-and-tens?"), it's high time we clear our heads of such matters and return to a simpler time. A time when all you had to think about was memorizing the words to "I'm So Excited," or how to become valedictorian, or why boys are such macho pigs. That was actually a really confusing time! At least, it certainly was for our favorite feminist liberal from an after-school special, Jessie Spano.

Below, a list of New Year's Resolutions that we think Jessica Myrtle Spano would have for our times, pre-hair straightening, pre-Saved By The Bell: The Wedding in Las Vegas, and most importantly, pre-Showgirls.

Resolution #1: GAIN 1,000,000,000 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER.

Forget John Mayer or Ashton Kutcher. Jessie, the consummate over-achiever, would show those yahoos what's what. Before the year's out, Jessie will also be President of Twitter, which may or may not be a real job title, but rest assured she will win. And totally beat a certain @zachmorris while she's at it.

Resolution #2: CURE SWINE FLU.

Seriously, have we not ended this thing yet? Jessie Spano is going to Columbia, people. While there, she will triple-major in medicine, pharmacology and Mandarine Chinese. But until then, the only thing worse than catching swine flu herself is being forced to dance with someone shorter than her at the Bayside High Harvest Week Dance because Slater got sick. So trust us, World Health Organization: Put Jessie Spano on the case. Give it a week, she'll nip that shit in the bud.

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