Roll your eyes like a woman while reading "lose weight like a guy"

Posted at 1:35 PM Mar 23, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Lo! Alas! Being a lady is yea, verily, a difficult task. The shoes we doth wear, they do wear on our feet. The makeup we doth don, doth do irritate the skin! The babies we doth birth, doth bear upon us a great burden. Truly, these things sucketh, with plague-like frequency.

But the herald that 'tis MSNBC hath searched out another afflictive lady affliction which afflicts the ladies of these many lands: ladies doth not lose weight like lords!

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Heidi or John? The nutbag celebrity quote match game!

Posted at 3:22 PM Feb 11, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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By now, you may have heard that John Mayer, and by some degree of extension, his dick, is a racist and, well, a dick. In a recent interview with Playboy, Mayer was dropping n-bombs and talking about his sex life with Jessica Simpson, whom he called his "sexual napalm." Oferchrissakes.

Broadsheet has a fantastic response from La Toya Tooles:

... it's your joke that you have a "Benetton heart and a David Duke" dick that I want to address now. See, I don't begrudge you your sexual preferences; it's your right to screw as many cheerleaders as you want. What bothers me is that you're not the only guy who feels or acts this way. Sometimes, when I stand in a room of white men, I feel unfeminine and unsexual, no matter the strappy heels, the makeup, the dress. I know there are white men out there who find black women attractive, but you, John Mayer -- the guy down enough to be on"Chappelle's Show," the guy so sensitive he writes love songs -- now represent the ones who don't. Maybe you should think a little bit about that.
Tooles goes on to talk about the shame (sexual and otherwise) she's come to feel as a black woman in a society ruled by white men. It's poignant and worth reading and, well, nothing I'm going to write here would compare.

But I also got to talking with friends about other celebrities whose verbal diarrhea is similarly legendary, and Heidi Montag came up.

Can you tell which of these quotes is a Mayer, and which is a Montag? Answers after the jump.

1. "I hate being the heartbreaker. Hate it."
2. "There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed."
3. "I plan to win an Oscar. I'm very ambitious."
4. "I used to be so strong, I used to be able to do whatever I want, and then I feel like I've been broken down little by little."
5. "I'll spend four hours not even putting anything into motion, just believing somehow it's going to come my way."
6. [on breast implants] "I do love it and I appreciate the science behind it. How incredible... we [are] blessed to even have this."

Read more Heidi or John? The... >>

Single women do not need to "survive" Valentine's Day

Posted at 12:48 PM Feb 05, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Does every media outlet, blogger and writer out there know something I don't know about Valentine's Day? Is someone going to come at me with a gun? Cut my brake lines? Slip arsenic into my High Life?

If you're single this February 14, you had better look out. Because to read most love advice surrounding this most holy of romantic days, single people are in grave, grave situations. Dire straits. Mortal danger. Single people must be helped to "survive" Valentine's Day.

And oh, woe is the singleton! Think of how painful normal days must be: every morning, I only just barely manage to roust myself out of bed, eat a meager meal of porridge and weak tea and plod through my grossly unsatisfying, highly depressing single life. I don't know how I manage it--sheer will to survive against all odds, I guess--but somehow, someway, I crawl back into bed at night, weeping softly to myself and live to fight another lonely day on the brink of suicide because of my single status.

But Valentine's Day! My god, the fact that us single folk don't jump off the closest available roof on, say, a sunny June 20th is shocking enough. How do we manage to wake up on February 14 and not reach for the closest unregistered handgun? How does the sheer weight of the trauma of the single life not bear down with such force that it renders us totally unable to function?

(I think you might see where I'm going with this, yes?)

Read more Single women do... >>

Canon camera knows ladies like it soft

Posted at 9:53 AM Jan 06, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

A photographer friend in New York City sends along a bit of sly sexism found in the manual for the popular Canon 7D camera (courtesy, he says, of yet another photog). Check out the description of the portrait setting.

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"For nice skin tones. The image looks softer. Effective for close-ups of women or children." But apparently ineffective for photos of men? And old people? Or maybe it's implying we don't want close-ups of them, anyway?


Read more Canon camera knows... >>

Resolution: Let's stop getting serious in love

Posted at 3:39 PM Dec 30, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

When two people who care about each other stop waffling on commitment and decide they're going to really, truly see if this thing could work out in the long term, that's when they get "serious." Start thinking marriage, moving in, claiming somebody on your health insurance, and all of a sudden, it's "serious."

Why do things get "serious" at the very point at which many commitment-minded people would consider things the most fun? At the moment when the relationship first feels sure and strong?



There is a time and place for seriousness in our lives. But why associate seriousness with loving relationships? In 2010, a semantic resolution: I think making love and relationships less "serious" is a fine goal.

Read more Resolution: Let's... >>

Chinese ladies get their own parking lot

Posted at 7:30 AM Dec 29, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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When women get the special pinkified treatment, it's usually for our own safety. Like when we get pink taxis so we don't get raped. (Although pink cabs can't keep you from drinking yourself into sexual assault, remember.) But China sees it differently. China knows women don't need special treatment because they're more likely to be victims of sexual assault and harassment, they need special pinkified treatment because they can't drive and others need to be protected from them.

Per USA Today via a Chinese paper called the Global Times, a ladies-only parking lot is being built under a shopping center:

The parking area, which will be free for several months, will also feature colored lights (pink and purple) and "cute cartoon pictures" for decoration, the paper promises. To improve visibility, it will feature three lights in every parking space, the newspaper says.

"The lot offers wider parking spaces especially designed for female drivers, who tend to cause twice as many collisions in parking lots than in other places, according to insurance company data," the Global Times says.

Really, women cause twice as many collisions? Sure, China. Suuuuuure. I'll buy what you're selling. Fine. But is the answer to this problem really putting cartoons on the walls? I mean, won't they distract the silly lady drivers who will already be unlikely to tear their eyes away from the shiny, pretty pink and purple lights? I think something must have gotten lost in translation here. I think they're building a pediatrician's office under that shopping center, not a parking lot.

And how kind--it's free "for several months." After that, you have to pay to be treated like a child.

But wait, there's more!



Read more Chinese ladies get... >>

Cowboys, Indians, and many hearty laughs

Posted at 1:15 PM Dec 23, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

Today, someone advertising on a local Livejournal community (hush up, I've had that thing since '01, ya heard) suggested this Austin, Texas-made "Playing Cowboys and Indians" calendar as a last-minute holiday gift. "Two men and one camera," indeed. Ladies, are you ready for some shirtless leaning? Because there is a lot of shirtless leaning coming your way.

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Remember when I was all bitching and moaning about objectification and ridiculous man calendars? I can't even bring myself to get worked up over this one. In any sense of the word. Something tells me this man-made calendar is not intended for a female audience. And besides, the thing partially benefits hurricane victims. So I can only assume these poses are an artistic statement about ... wind?

To answer your next question: oh, yes, there is a horse. And, I probably don't have to tell you, some shirtless leaning thereon.

Read more Cowboys, Indians,... >>

Are you hot enough to be an archaeologist?

Posted at 12:15 PM Sep 10, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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So, you're smart enough to have a career in archaeology. That means a bachelor's degree, probably a master's degree, and if you really want to complete the pedigree, a Ph.D. That's a long, long time of dirty, grimy field work, research and schooling to get where you want to go. Congratulations! You're an archaeologist! You're intelligent and motivated! But are you hot enough to be an archaeologist?

That's the concern of SexyArchaeology.org, where it's not adequate to be good at what you do--you gotta be sexy, too. In an e-mail sent around to my grad department this morning, SexyArchaeology.org announces that they're looking for sexy archaeologists to cast in a developing reality show. They'd like you to send in four photos and a "paragraph about yourself," in which you should prove you have an "interesting, active" life and an "outgoing personality," which are obviously the most important traits to look for in a good archaeologist. Don't worry about telling 'em about your research, awards, teaching experience, published works. Nah. Just make sure one of those photos is full length, so we don't get any fatties, understand?

This is in addition to the "Sexiest Field Crew" award handed out by the website. And from the looks of the silhouettes on the field crew banner, they're not exactly jumping out of the mainstream box when it comes to defining "sexy."

Read more Are you hot enough... >>

Everybody poops. Does everybody have to talk about it?

Posted at 10:24 AM Aug 27, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

I know I wouldn't be the first person to lament the internet and social media's influence on oversharing. But there's oversharing, and then there's talking about, taking pictures of and videotaping human feces. Internet, why are you doing this to us?

Barely a day goes by when STFU Parents doesn't feature some kind of parental heinousness involving a child, potty training and a profile picture. And it's not just kids: the lamesters at Lamebook have even gotten in on the action. We're talking about grown-ass people posting status updates about their bowel movements. And today on Buzzfeed, someone's linking to the "most adorable" video of a kid showing you his poop ever.

If you don't like extreme close-ups of kidshit, probably don't watch this:

Oh, how I yearn for the days--really, to be able to remember such days--when the scariest thing my parent-friends might show me would be a video of their boring-ass family vacation to Colonial Williamsburg. People of the world: poop is not adorable.

I'm trying to imagine some old-school science fiction film where the future-thinking scientist says, "And in THE FUTURE, people will ride in flying cars! And have a cure for every disease! And post intimate, detailed accounts of the bowel movements of themselves and others on a world-wide network of computers!"

Readers, do you also feel as though we have gone a poop too far?

Stripper radio comes to Denver, CO

Posted at 11:00 AM Aug 19, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

Never been in a strip club? That's okay--if you live in Denver, you can just crank up your radio to 101.5 FM and paint a picture in your mind. Because 101.5, sponsored by local titty joint Shotgun Willie's, calls itself "The Pole," and its programming is all about strip club favorites from the 80s, 90s and today.

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This seems more like clever marketing to a sex-numbed culture than any great leap in radio programming. What with Miley Cyrus grinding on poles on children's television and Britney seemingly unable to wear anything besides a bikini, if it doesn't come with sex these days, many folks just aren't interested in ingesting it. Yawn. Where I come from, a playlist that includes Kid Rock, Rick James and Heart is as likely to be an adult contemporary mix station or a dance-jams-of-your-childhood outfit as a "strip club" song compilation.

But hey, maybe The Pole's website is revolutionary, even if the station's playlist isn't! Wrong. Anyone who's ever ear-swallowed some local shock-jock's wanky crap will tell you that a stupid joke like an "employee bathroom live webcam" that goes backstage at a strip club before "cutting out" is par for the idiot-course.

Of course, the best 101.5 joke is the part of the site wherein they ask the strippers about Obama's health care plan on their "Stripper Poll" and everyone gives stupid answers. GET IT strippers are stupid, GET IT!!! YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE!? Women who are sexy are dumb as hell! Because nothing says sheer brilliance like a deejay named "Marty The All Night Party."


PETA: saving the animals, shaming the humans

Posted at 10:30 AM Aug 12, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

More and more, PETA is looking like the snarky, self-righteous vegan film student who spends 10 minutes at a time telling you how to live a healthier, more conscious life--and down with Wal-Mart and McDonald's!--during the smoke break wherein he practically eats a Marlboro Light. On The F-Word yesterday, (vegetarian!) Rachel calls out this heinous new PETA promotion, which like many PETA promotions, shames and objectifies women, who occupy some vague place below animals on their level-of-importance scale. Rachel asks, "Against animal cruelty, but not human cruelty?"

Here's PETA's Florida billboard (!), which encourages you to go vegetarian, you fat fatass, and come hang out with people who aren't fat fatasses but like to eat healthy and judge fat fatasses. It sounds like a whale of a time!

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The F-Word links to a personal account from a Floridian who saw the billboard on the way to the beach with the family. It's heartbreaking:

My family was visiting and I was planning on taking them to the beach to enjoy the beautiful day when I saw the billboard that made me want to cry. It says "Save the Whales" with a picture of an over weight woman in the foreground. We all sat there and stared at it for a minute and everyone in the car was silent. No one wanted to mention my weight.

I laughed it off as usual but it really had made me so embarrassed, so self conscious and so ashamed about my weight that I dropped off my family at the ocean front and left to go home making the excuse that I wasn't feeling well.
Poor taste and broken hearts aside, why does PETA believe that calling people "whales" and pointing out their "blubber"--equating humans with animals in a most derogatory way--would make anyone throw out the meat in their fridge and buy a tofu steak?

Get your tickets now for the "cougar convention"

Posted at 12:21 PM Aug 05, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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Load up your Carlos Santana pointy-toe heels, bottles of fake 'n bake and hilariously embarrassing stories about your asshole ex-husbands, 'cause it's time to head out to Cali for the National Single Cougars Convention. RAWR!

Shitting you: I am not.

Though "adults of all ages are welcome," the Cougar Convention claims to be for "younger men and older women." It's sponsored by the Society of Single Professionals. Because nothing says "professional" like hopping on the "let's use a mildly mocking, derogatory name for pretty ladies of a certain age" bandwagon. Then again, the Society's web address is ThePartyHotline.com, and it looks like they were so happy with the professional website building job someone did for them back in 1996, they decided to stick with it. Expectations, I lower you.

Sadly, "convention" seems to be stretching it, in this instance. The event is a one-night shebang that lasts from 7:30 p.m. (apps from Trader Vic's!) to midnight, when the "Cougar Ball" shuts down. Still, one lucky (?) cougar will get to win a trip on a singles Halloween cruise. What, are they trying to make cougars extinct?

Conan finds chair for camel toes

Posted at 9:00 AM Jun 25, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

Et tu, Ikea?


Vintage fun with a letter to lady missionaries

Posted at 8:30 AM May 28, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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When you're out ministering to the great unwashed, do you often get down about how your hair looks kinda nappy? Fear not, my Mormon lady missionary friends, because an article from a 1972 edition of LDS mag New Era can help you overcome your troubles.

"A Letter to Girls About Lady Missionaries" was brought to my attention by an anonymous tipper with an eye for vintage hilarity. While knowing your religious texts and being skilled in empathetic debate are, presumably, good skills for a missionary, author Lana Mangelson also wants to make really, really sure you ladies look pretty out there in the field:

"One of the most apparent sacrifices that a sister must make grows out of the fact that in many ways proper physical appearance is more difficult for her to maintain than it is for an elder. There are missions in the world where the sisters still ride bikes, and though the elders do too, it's a bit easier for them to participate in or come away from such an experience presenting a proper picture.

Appearance is one area where a sister must sacrifice the tendency to rationalize by claiming she has neither the time nor the opportunity to keep herself neat and clean. It takes ingenuity and planning, but it can be done if she sees its importance."

But Lana, you say, what can we do when it is impossible to stay purty all the time when we are prostheletyzing in the jungle? A fair question:

"If a sister can laugh at those times when a radiant appearance is impossible and work smartly behind the scenes to look her best when it is possible, she will feel better herself, she will look better to others, and the Spirit will be better able to work through her, for she will be a pure and holy vessel, inside and out."

Lana offers a few quick tips for lady missionaries. These are my favorites:

  • Do not ever slap or poke an elder.
  • Sleep on a satin pillowcase; this preserves hair style and also femininity.
  • Elders' most frequent complaints are about sisters' hair. Have a neat and easy style--not too short or it will look like the elders', and long enough so that it can be curled on Sunday and for special occasions.
  • If you get depressed, set aside a little time that day to do whatever raises your spirits. For example, spend extra time on your hair, take a long shower, schedule a time for meditation, and then pray earnestly for help from the Lord. Lose yourself in the Spirit and work very, very hard.
Again, lady missionaries, Lana cannot stress this enough: do not have bad hair. And even if an elder tells you you look nappy, for Chrissakes, do not poke him.




A napper's lament, or, how cruel! Nature!

Posted at 4:49 PM Apr 02, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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O, woman! What a role you must play in life's unending tome.

O, Nature! You are a cruel, cruel mistress. O society! Truly, you treat us poorly.

Menstruation ... lament!

Unequal pay ... lament!

But ah, to say it plainly:

Creator! Take not away our naps!

Say, if you will, that the old crone's daily repose does not decrease her vitality!

Say, indeed you must, that science is a corpulent prevaricator of some significant size!

What a burden to bear, womanity, from first breath to last: torturous childbirth, vexing footwear of terrible affliction, media scrutiny of all things corporeal, cultural objectification of all things sexual.

Womanity! Your burden is great, yea, until your dying day.

Nap not, lest ye meet an early grave.
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