Running With Scissors: Trimming, quickly, with the Kardashian's

Posted at 12:17 PM Dec 11, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

Oh, you guys. It's so exhausting to be annoyed and frustrated with the fanatic health bloggers all the time. My anger stores are on empty and all I can feel right now is a kind of mild emo lethargy about the whole misplaced food obsession thing.

And then, this morning, Khloe (the tall one) and Kim (the original one) Kardashian were on the Rachel Ray show shilling for their new employer, QuickTrim.


QuickTrim is a yet-to-be FDA approved "supplement" which claims to "boost your metabolism." I love this phrase "boost your metabolism." You know what else "boosts your metabolism?" COCAINE. Scientifically, yes, caffeine and other stimulants do rev up your system but at a tremendous risk. Obviously I'm not a doctor but I do have a working brain and some things are just common sense. Diet "supplements" are just not a good idea. Ever. HydroxyCut? TrimSpa? Fen-Phen? Dexatrim? Remember these? THEY GAVE PEOPLE HEART ATTACKS AND STROKES.

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Running with Scissors: This time, we all loose

Posted at 10:42 AM Dec 04, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

There are certain truths in this world that keep us from going batshit insane. These include but are not limited to: the fact that student loan people will ALWAYS work with you to arrange payments. Black is slimming. Burritos are a super food. A trip to IKEA with anyone you care about will end in bloodshed and, finally, people who don't know the difference between "loose" and "lose" do not get book deals.

Guess what kiddos? Time to start stockpiling the tinfoil hats and copies of Catcher in the Rye because Jenna of EatLiveRun has scored herself a book deal. What the theme and subtext of this book might be is a mystery but my educated guess is it will include a.) words and b.) WHO THE FUCK CARES?

Shame on you publishing industry. SHAME ON YOU. Do you really think throwing book contracts at bloggers is the best way to revive your dying trade?

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Running with Scissors: The Thanksgiving battle that never was

Posted at 11:00 AM Nov 27, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

You all remember the opening scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy is dodging poisoned darts, dead bodies, tarantulas, that whiny dude and giant boulders?

Well, that's the Thanksgiving Holiday in a nut butter shell for the ladies of the healthy blogoverse. So much food, so little control over the calories, so little control over exercise, so much pressure to eat, eat! you're so thin, eat some pie and OMG SO MUCH BUTTER  I GIVE UP I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE NOW THANK YOU SO BLOODY MUCH AMERICA.

It must be absolutely terrifying to be fraught with anxiety and FATTY GRAVY DANGER for these women. Let's take a quick peek into that dark, marshmallow-filled ancient cave of poisoned pies and booby-trapped butterball turkeys. Throw me the idol, my friends, and I'll throw you the Cool Whip.

I don't know what that means, either. I just desperately wanted to use that phrase.

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Running With Scissors: Healthy body, unhealthy ears

Posted at 10:23 AM Nov 20, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

I consider myself to be fairly healthy when it comes to my fruit and veggie intake (beer is a fruit right?), and I rarely spend more than 2 or 3 days in bed at a time, depending on where my depression hurts that day (everywhere), who it is hurting (everyone) and which of my shows are on (Bones), so I'm clearly "active." Now, if a paragon of health such as myself can still find time to seek out excellent music on the webatron, then why can't these so called "healthy living" bloggers do the same?

Obviously, I'm exaggerating for the sake of infotainment, and I really do care about nutrition and taking care of myself but not to the point where it completely annihilates my ability to see the difference between John Mayer and John Vanderslice. To clarify: Are healthy living bloggers incapable of good taste when it comes to music?

And I find myself wondering which comes first? The viscerally terrible taste in music or the obsession with physical perfection? Or is it simultaneous? Do the two go hand-in-hand? A kind of Huxley-esque utopian genetic type, not born of a test tube but conditioned from birth and taught through osmosis. "I'm so glad I'm an Alpha. Betas can't shop at Hollister or go to Cabo for Spring Break. Betas can't follow the Dave Matthews Band around or choose not to be gay. I'm so glad I'm an Alpha."

I'm leaning towards the  Brave New World theory myself but I'm interested in your ideas. Let me know in the comments.

Some examples of this phenomenon SLIGHTLY PARAPHRASED for my own amusement:

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Running with Scissors: Nibbling and sipping

Posted at 10:15 AM Nov 13, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

Ah, the glamour and pageantry of a healthy blogging convention. The glorious photographs of "nibbles" and "sips," the wacky shenanigans (funny faces! captured on camera!) and, finally, the furious blogging committed in fancy hotel rooms by sleepy type A women tucked into bed at 11 p.m. in order to get a good 6 hours of sleep before a pre-convention group blogger's run.

I envy the decadence of it all--like Rome before the fall or Las Vegas in the early 60's. "Hedonistic" is a word that comes to mind. Boring is another word that comes to mind. Also, "bleh" and "meh." And maybe "gah."

Foodbuzz held a convention last week in San Francisco and the healthy blogging ladies totally convened. Oh, and how they reveled!

A few choice "nibbles" and "sips" for us mere plebes to feast upon:

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Running with Scissors: Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Censorship?

Posted at 10:10 AM Nov 06, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

At what point does a personal blog become a public one? Some might argue there is no such thing as a personal blog on the internet. These are the same people who think Twitter is for telling the world what you had for lunch. These people hate the future. And fun. Others might say a personal blog becomes public once the content is subsidized in some manner--in other words, when it becomes a part- or full-time job. I am one of these "Others."

If we agree a paid blogging gig is a public thing, then what is the correct amount of censure when it comes to your public blog community? Personally, as long as someone isn't saying something threatening, then I want to leave it up there. The comments section is a place for community discourse, even if that discourse is negative. Trolling is a little different as the point is to attack with ad hominems and turn the attention away from the post and towards the troll. Still, I lean towards the "let people say what they want, the community will take care of itself" attitude, with a little moderation sprinkled here and there to keep things from becoming a Lord of the Flies situation.

In the healthy blogging community, negative comments are deleted, erased as if they never happened. Repressed and controlled like a bad memory. Basically, the comments sections are sterile environments where nothing can grow. Healthy, right?

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Running with Scissors: Oats, oats, totes m'goats!

Posted at 1:33 PM Oct 30, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

Yesterday was National Oatmeal Day! Did you celebrate? Did you fire up the family oatmeal pot (the one passed down from generation to generation) and lovingly photograph your bowl? Did you blog the exact proportions of each ingredient? Did you substitute a banana for figs or vice versa? Did you genuflect before your bowl and promise to always be perfect--perfect like this bowl of perfect oatmeal? Did you? You didn't? For heaven's sake, why not? Why can't you live up to the impossible standards I've ingrained in you since birth? Why can't you be the perfect me I never was? WHY ARE YOU SUCH A COMPLETE AND UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT?

That just went to a real weird place. Moving on to this week's healthy blogging tidbits!

  • "I've been practicing yoga for almost 9 years and just now do I really feel like I'm starting to actually be present." Taking pictures and blogging everything you eat doesn't keep you present? Considering the way I daydream my way through an apple, I am so screwed when it comes to present-ness.
  • Perfect Pair/Pear. Wow. This is some serious OCD shit right here. Like next level. As in, "Mommy's been up painting the guest room all night and organizing the tea towels and OH MY GOD WHO PUT THE SERVING SPOONS IN THE EVERYDAY SILVERWARE DRAWER...SOB....I just..I...mommy has to lie down in the dark for a few days."
  • "I feel a lot better about what I ate today - thanks for the encouragement everyone!" This makes me so sad in my heart feelings place*.
  • "Yesterday was dark and pooring." Uh, "Pooring." This girl is IN COLLEGE. Congratulations. Now I'm depressed.

*Just kidding. I don't have one of those.

Running With Scissors: Healthblogging overload

Posted at 8:38 AM Oct 23, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

918 percent of American women* suffer from some sort of disordered eating pattern. (Notice how the term "disordered eating" is gentler and less BULIMIA OH MY GOD BULIMIA  than "eating disorder". I'm sensitive this way.)

The extreme pressure for women to be perfect in our culture has spawned hundreds of lady blogs geared towards "healthy living," where every morsel of kale is photographed and documented and wrapped up like a neat little internet grenade lobbed at your psyche, ladies. And this is where it gets sneaky. Yes, it's great to focus on "health" and "fitness" as opposed to "skinny" and "beautiful." I'm all for women allowing themselves to eat (gasp!) all their meals without "guilt" but, internet, please, keeping a public journal of every workout and foodstuff that passes your lips IS NOT HEALTHY. Does it work in terms of losing weight? Probably. Is it good that women are learning how to eat actual food? Yes, of course. Has it become just another way for women to berate themselves when they eat the "wrong thing" or feel virtuous because they ate the "right thing"? Fuck yes, it definitively has.

I'm obviously entrenched in the "this is terrible for women" camp on this issue so in an effort to redeem my journalistic integrity (snort) I'll be rounding up the week's dangerously healthy blogging blogs for you to judge for yourself. And also because, yes, poking fun at perfectionism is my raison d'etre. My RAISIN OF FETA. Wouldn't that be an excellent name for a food blog? THE IRONY.

A sampling to get us started:

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