If you're lucky, you're reading this from some snowy cabin somewhere, fortunate enough to have taken all of Thanksgiving week off in the name of consuming maximum turkey. If you're not lucky, you're probably at work and dreaming of stuffing. This edition of pantylines goes out to my stuffing dreamers.
Here's what happened over the weekend:
Sexual harassment is rampant on NYC public transit. [NYT] Wait, you're saying women aren't all sluts asking to be poked and leered at by middle-aged men? Glad someone alerted the press.
A R.I. judge says gay couples can't be buried together. [DTMB via Feministe] Conservative fear of gayness extends into afterworld; forthcoming commentary from LGBT rights groups in Middle Earth, Mars and Narnia.
Manolo Blahnik says he creates his heels from scratch. [The Frisky] Other designers use computers. How can we ruin women's feet in the name of fashion? Let us count the ways.
Amanda Marcotte wonders why fewer mammograms are so bad. [Pandagon] Someone send this to Christopher Hitchens so he can learn what an actually interesting contrarian article reads like?
Should binge eating be considered a medical disorder? [Jezebel] Because apparently you only have a problem if you also puke like crazy after binging?
Professor Foxy gives good advice to a trans man seeking sexytime. [Feministing] I love this: "... your cunt and your fabulous manhood!"
Lady Viagra is coming. [LA Times] Sadly, it is not Lady Gaga's sidekick.
Are your harem pants "antifashion?" [Jezebel] Or uberfashion? Or nadafashion? Or making your ass look really big?
The U.S. ladies' figure skating team lacks a massive star. [Boston Globe] Whereas pretty much every other ladies' Olympic sport lacks coverage, interest, attention ... if only they played hockey in sparkly spandex.
STD infection rates are up, up, up! [AP] Because of better testing, not because you're getting laid. But I bet you knew that.
Playing with plastic toys "feminizes" boys. [BBC] Apparently the unthinkable, terrifying threat of "feminization" is better to use in a headline than "lowers testosterone in" when it comes to boys.
Will women save the world's economy? (CNN) Will half the world's total population have to be involved in the economic salvation of said world? Even though they have vaginas? Unbelievable.
Women may be more vulnerable than men to cigarette smoke. (US N&WR) Which is obviously why Camel No. 9's exist. Those pink packages are way more delicate on our ladylungs.
Six ladies have been inducted into the National Transportation Women's Hall Of Fame. (WIVB) Thank goodness there's a women's hall of fame. Because lord knows there are so many transportation-related hall-of-famers, we couldn't possibly combine them.
Two Sudanese women were lashed for wearing pants. (The Cut) Some say it's because Sudanese cops have too much freedom. I say THEY WERE JUST WEARING PANTS JEEEEZ.
The NYT argues against an Oklahoma abortion privacy law that permits private information about women getting abortions to be put online. (NYT) Because what Oklahoma needed was more evidence it's one step away from a living hell.
Ladynews! It's stuck in a giant weather balloon! Call CNN!
Zombie wedding cake! (Buzzfeed) Because really, wanting to eat brains is about as logical as wanting to be married.
Lady drunk driving is on the rise. (CNN) Also on the rise, alarmist and vaguely sexist stories about those ladies who can't handle themselves and need to be taken care of instead of doing that feminist shit all the time.
Some women are calling C-sections rape. (DailyBeast) 'Cause there's nothing terrifying and violent about vajayjay birth. It's filled with rainbows and kittens.
Judge denies marriage license to interracial couple. (Ms) He's not a racist, he just doesn't believe in "mixing the races that way." This isn't a joke, because sadly, it "writes itself that way."
Ewan McGregor, Roman Polanski apologist. (LA Times) He took the "But he's a brilliant artist!" route. Ewan McGregor, please allow me to show you to the exit door of my spank bank.
Teenage girl to sail solo around the world. (Jezebel) In a boat, not a weather balloon. Sad face.
Good morning, Dolls! I have no idea what happened in ladynews this weekend, because I spent 2 days in Las Vegas watching friends jump out of a plane and get married. (Congrats, Ariana and Seymour!) Hopefully I can think-off this perma-hangover by the time I'm caught up on the weekend happenings.
Katy Perry wore something that was not a romper. [Jezebel] In fact, it was a dress. In an interview, her bladder later reported that it was "thrilled."
Lindsay Lohan's fancy-pants fashion line debuted in Paris over the weekend. [New York Times] As a convenience to high street rip-offers everywhere, it pretty much looks like someone just gave her scissors and a gift card to Forever 21.
The "Ivy Plus" club is a singles partyfest for Ivy Leaguers. [NYT] How getting these smug buttnuts out of my dating pool is bad, I don't know. Rock on, Ivy Plus!
John Gosselin took $200,000 out of his joint account with Kate. [People] NOW HIS AFFLICTIONWEAR COLLECTION IS COMPLETE MUAH.
The terrors of the long-distance relationship fight. [CollegeCandy] I wish I could say this doesn't bring back terrible, horrible, visceral college memories for me. Shudder.
Kate Beckinsale wins Esquire's sexiest woman alive. [TheFrisky] Esquire wins as Best Magazine I Like A Lot But Jesus Are You Not Too Good And Smart And Thoughtful For This Stupid Shit?
Happy Monday, Doll-faces! It's going to be 90 degrees and thunder-storming here in Austin, Texas today. Here's hoping your city of residence doesn't still think it's mid-June. Still, some of this weekend's ladynews may get your blood-a-boiling all the same.
Film director Roman Polanski was finally taken into custody for the 1977 drugging and rape of a 13-year-old girl. (The Guardian) Aw, but he made The Pianist! That Adrian Brody is such a sweetheart. Standing O! Standing O!
Navy women may soon be allowed to serve on submarines. (Sun-Herald) Because we know how they love a foot-long, AMIRITE!?!? HAHAHA TO THE MESS HALL, M'BOYS!
Married Japanese women may soon be allowed to keep their maiden surnames. (Bloomberg) Shit, between this and the Navy boat rides, feminism is practically passé.
Yazmin and her contraceptive lil' sis Yaz may put you at a higher risk for blood clots than other birth control pills. (New York Times) Be sure to ask your hot, 30-something female doctor friend about the risks the next time you go out for drinks at a dark, swanky lounge.
A Boston man has been accused of posing as a movie producer, getting aspiring actresses to perform sex acts as auditions. (WCVB) One can only wonder if the lines he used were as cliché as his lame set-up.
The National Organization of Women has officially spoken out in favor of the net neutrality act. (BoingBoing) Their statement mentions the democratic power of the internet giving voice to millions of women across the world. LOLcats suspiciously absent.
Good morning! I'm still mourning last night's Cowboys-Giants game, but perchance burying myself in the news of the weekend will get my mind off how much I want to put chewing gum in Tony Romo's hair.
Some dude crashed a ladies' poker tournament and won. (Casino Gambling News) If you're gambling, you expect to get screwed. Move along, ladies.
Michelle Obama spoke out for her husband's health care plan on Friday. (Forbes) She said health care is "very much" a women's issue. Also very much women's issues: breathing, eating.
Jennifer's Body opened at a weak number 5 at the box office. (DListed) But I won't be happy until Megan Fox and Diablo Cody go to Narcissist Rehab.
The recession is forcing educated stay-at-home moms back into the work force. (New York Times) Wait, there are jobs available? I thought the recession got rid of the jobs? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, RECESSION!
Victoria Rowell wore a dress with Obama's face on it to the Emmys last night. (HuffPo) This terrible dress is the first indication I've seen that the man might actually be the Anti-Christ.
Suri Cruise played dress-up on Sunday. (DailyMail) Lit-ruh-ly. Played dress-up. Like every other little girl ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: what the DailyMail considers news.
What a week it's been--we had a day without cats (well, someone did, not us), Beatles Rock Band, "You lie!" and, finally, a day of 9/11 remembrance. Because really, never forgetting is a #whereiwas Twitter hashtag. Oh, how things have changed in 8 years. Here's what happened in lady news:
Ellen Degeneres is the new judge on American Idol. (Everywhere) Oh, noes! What if she turns the show gay? Oh, wait.
After a "sex test," runner Caster Semenya has pulled out of a South African cross-country race. (The Guardian) They're arguing over the "percentages of her gender." Black women haven't undergone this kind of scrutiny questioning their femininity since ... um, always?
An anti-abortion activist was murdered outside a school in Michigan. (Free Press) First churches, now schools. If you've got a viewpoint on abortion, best to stay away from places everyone on the planet should rightly believe to be safe havens from violence.
Marie Claire told you fat, salami-nippled ladies to keep your gross bodies out of the gym locker room, where they don't belong. (MarieClaire) The author says she has no personal body issues. Because nothing says "comfortable in my own skin" like writing a pissy diatribe about how fat people don't belong at the gym.
Casey Wilson thinks that if you think she was fired from SNL because she's fat, you're stupid, and she will laugh in your face. (CNN) She says the issue is that she's "too phat," proving that she was most likely fired because she isn't funny. Also, how can you be fired for being fat if you're not actually fat?
Young women undeterred by shitty fashion, journalism industries, still seek jobs in fashion journalism. (New York Times) Who's surprised? It takes a special sense of self-loathing self-sacrifice to want to wear $800 4-inch heels all day long, and methinks these demographics overlap.
Did you go back to school this week? I did. Which means you hopefully didn't also spend your weekend intellectually stimulating yourself with news-imbibing pursuits. Here's what's happened since Friday, Dolls:
There were more pro-choice supporters than anti-choice protesters in Bellevue, NE on Saturday, and nobody died. (Omaha.com) You know you're "pro-life" when it's somewhat newsworthy to report that nobody on your side killed anyone for disagreeing with them.
New Ken looks a lot like Pete Doherty. (Buzzfeed) Which is to say, there's never been a whole lot of life in either of them.
Jenna Bush is going to be a Today Show correspondent. (JustJared) I look forward to seeing her when am stuck at the doctor's office at a ridiculous hour and can't bring myself to read another eight-month-old copy of Newsweek.
Euthanasia or homicide during a Katrina hospital crisis? (NYT Mag) Settle in, folks, it's a doozy. And yet something tells me Jon Gosselin is still getting more attention-per-word.
It's the anniversary of Sarah Palin's step into the spotlight. (DailyBeast) Like knowing beer has calories and kittens die, this is another thing I wish I'd lived my life unaware of.
Los Angeles gays get homophobic reggae artist's U.S. tour canceled (LA Times) They're here, they're queer, and they don't want Buju Banton assaulting their ears.
I was sure that today would be the kind of day when I didn't roll into my apartment at noon with my panties in my purse. Sure that I would be bringing you these Pantylines hours ago. But all I can say to you, readers, is: brandy sours. BRING ON THE LADYNEWS.
There's 30 Rock porn. (NY Mag) I'm confused. Isn't 30 Rock pretty much already porn for people who get off on humor and awesome television?
CNN gets on the "cankles" bandwagon, calls it "another thing to obsess over." (CNN) Possibly people obsess over it because it gets covered on national cable news like it might be some kind of school shooting!? Christ.
The NYT magazine cover story this week is about "saving the world's women." (NYT) Okay, yes, it's worth a read. Lots of good stuff there. But really, us women can and will save ourselves. It's called "feminism" and we've been doing it for a while now. White knights need not apply.
Vegan prisoners in the UK win right to buy ethical cosmetics in jail. (DailyMail) Because being "ethical" is obviously how they got in jail in the first place.
Heidi Montag performed a "song" at the Miss Universe pageant. (FoxNews) And the only reason I'm here today to be able to tell you that is because I didn't watch it, because if I had, it would have been face-shooting time.
Lindsay Lohan's house got burglarized. (DListed) Please God, say they took her leggings.
Cindy Crawford has cellulite. (UsWeekly) For fuck's sake.
Katy Perry may or may not have called Lady Gaga "calculated." (MTV) o/~ I called the kettle black, and I liked iiiiiiiiit. o/~
Goodbye, weekend. It was nice knowing you. It was so nice knowing you, in fact, that there may have been some notable newsworthy goings-on that went unnoticed:
Hailey Glassman says Jon Gosselin is her first love. (Us) Lame T-shirts, bad jewelry, terrified of commitment ... yeah, sounds like Gosselin is just about on par with everyone else's "first love."
Brad Pitt gave up smoking pot for his kids. (DListed) Because at least half of them are now old enough to do it themselves. (YSWIDT!?)
Obama now considering removing a "public option" for health care with something from non-profit coops. (NYT) Is "massive political clusterfuck" a pre-existing condition?
Ahmadinejad adds three women to his cabinet. (Jezebel) The elevator. We take baby steps to it.
Are non-feminists ready for Mad Men because its gender portrayals are too complex, thereby giving conservative d-bags a reason to hate women and pine for the past? (Bitch) I think that sums it up nicely.
There is still no cure for cellulite. (CNN) Or, I don't know ... cancer. But hey, at least if you have cancer, you probably get to be thin, right!? And that's the important thing.
I totally overslept my alarm today, so these Pantylines might be as crusty as my eyeboogers. Here's your weekend catch-up news:
Secretary Clinton began her 11-day trip to Africa with a trip to the Congo, where she says women are being used as "weapons of war." (Reuters) Which is a lot classier and more productive than what I would say, which is, "WTF, YA'LL?!" before crying in a corner.
University of Utah scientists have developed a condom-substitute gel that could prevent the transmission of HIV to women. (NanoWerk) Thereby one-upping the Mormons in every contribution Utah has ever previously made to human sexuality in a single bound.
The Psychology Today psychologist who said feminism was "illogical, immoral and evil" wonders if he should quit his job and go work in a bakery. (Psychology Today) I think you know how us Dolls feel about that, friend. We love the irony of an anti-feminist baking us delicious cookies all day long.
The female-led writing team behind Mad Men gets a WSJ profile. (WSJ/ONTD) I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper I love you Don Draper
Sonia Sotomayor's supporters have appropriated the "wise Latina" phrase, turning insult into pride. (NYT) Sweet. Now I'm going to appropriate "You know, that girl who won't quit talking about her cats and High Life." Although that's not quite so catchy, I guess. Hrm.
Apparently good girls are the new bad girls. (DailyBeast) Of course, pigeon-holing women into "good" and "bad" roles is timeless, lest our brains explode from acknowledging the fact that women are actual humans.
Hope ya'll remembered to turn the rent in before you left for work today, 'cause you're going to have to pay that late fee if you wait much longer. In the meantime, the news!
Do women make better bosses? (NYT) Do generalizations about the behaviors and experiences of an entire gender make this question a little, oh, I don't know, useless?
Some cosmetic surgery gets the thumbs-up from Allah in Saudi Arabia (AP) Your HMO might not cover that breast augmentation, but GOD will.
Catriona Matthew wins British Open 11 weeks after giving birth (Reuters) Things I would be doing 11 weeks after giving birth: not winning the British Open.
Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ (Buzzfeed) But you probably already saw this on your Facebook feed from those wingnuts you used to go to high school with.
Ryan O'Neal hit on Tatum at Farrah's funeral (Us) He didn't recognize her.
Marriage between 24-year-old woman and 85-year-old rich dude over after 3 months (DListed) Lady, you have to stay married to the creep if you want his money after he dies. Did no one outline this for her at the wedding?
What do you wear on a date if you're 60? (Guardian) Whatever you want! You're 60! And dating!
Mark Wahlberg married his girlfriend (DailyMail) She gave him ... good vibraaaatiioooooooons ... sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet sensatioooooooooons.
A toddler and two women were shot at an Indiana wedding reception (AP) Go back and watch the wedding dance video again if your faith in humanity is shattered.
An 8-year-old Liberian-American girl was shunned by her family for being gang-raped by pre-teen and teenaged boys. (BBC) Look, I know Pantylines is about punchlines, but jesushchrist, just because there's nothing funny about it doesn't mean you don't need to know about it and be pissed the fuck off.
Deuces out, Sarah Palin. (CNN) Anyone else feel like the real crazy is only just now about to begin?
The Daily Mail runs a front-page article about Madonna's arms. (DailyMail) Apparently there is absolutely nothing happening in the United Kingdom, not even like a wedding announcement or somebody selling their old couch.
Did Kate Gosselin inspire Michelle Obama's new hairdo? (DailyBeast) A better question: who the hell at the DailyBeast is dumb enough to speculate that Michelle Obama gives the tiniest turd of a shit what Kate Gosselin does?
A movie about guinea pigs beat Harry Potter at the box office this weekend. (BBC) Don't those guinea pigs know that Harry is Voldemort's nemesis?! They best not eff around with He Who Must Not Be Named.
An American Idol hopeful was killed in a hit-and-run. (DListed) Not, of course, before Simon Cowell killed her soul by being a giant d-bag.