Pantylines, Monday 3 May

Posted at 7:00 AM May 03, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Bon matin, Dolls! Here's hoping your horse won on Saturday, your basketball team is winning, and you finally found a good sushi place over the weekend. The world, as it were, was also busy spinning 'round, and the ladynews keep a-coming. Here's what happened:

  • Iran gets a spot on U.N. women's rights panel. [VancouverSun] In related news, Dr. Hannibal Lecter has been appointed to a position at the FDA.
  • Florida passes law forcing women to pay for an ultrasound before an abortion. [MiamiHerald] Also marks first time in history anyone or anything has aspired to be anything like Oklahoma. So there's that.
  • Pregnant women need more vitamin D. [CNN] Technology facilitating the remote diagnosis of millions of women strangely unreported upon by CNN.
  • Do women need gender-tailored financial advice? [SeattleTimes] I DON'T KNOW I AM BUT A LADY HERE I TO TO BUY SOME SHOOEEEEEEEZZZZZZ.
  • Tiger Woods slept with 121 women. [MoneyTimes] Technology facilitating the remote calculation of sexual partners of massive celebrities also apparently not newsworthy.
  • It's "Women Build Week" at Habitat for Humanity. [Examiner] Sit down, get a glass of water and smelling salts if you, like most every news outlet reporting on this story, are in shocked disbelief.

Pantylines, Monday 26 April

Posted at 7:30 AM Apr 26, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Upper half of the part of the day that occurs before noon to you, Dolls! I hope you're in a fine mood, because I know I am--mostly due to the fact that I have a microwave-fried egg, which is maybe the best cooking trick I've ever learned. Throw that thing in there for 33 seconds, and you've got a no-stove-top answer to real breakfast. But in case you came to HD for more than cooking advice, be heartened: here are today's Pantylines--the ladynews you may have missed over the weekend.

  • Oprah wrote a NYT op-ed telling people to stop texting and driving. [NYT] This from a lady who gives out cell phones and cars on the reg.
  • It's "Boobquake." [Pandagon] If you don't know what that is, don't click the link. You're better off.
  • Wellpoint insurance systematically drops women diagnosed with breast cancer. [Broadsheet] Company apparently under the impression that pink ribbons work about as well as chemo.
  • France focuses on polygamy as extension of veiling ban. [WashingtonPost] Because France is, as we know, one of the world's leaders in culturally valuing monogamy.
  • PA Dep. of Labor approves all eight Gosselin kids to appear on Kate's new show. [TMZ] Number of Penn med students studying psychology doubles in hopes of getting a piece of that in 15 years.
  • Kristin Davis likes eating more than she likes being thin. [People] Is what she told Fitness magazine amid a headline cloud of diet tips after also revealing she mainly eats salmon and side salads. Someone file this under "mixed messages" on Wiki, will you?

Pantylines, Monday 19 April

Posted at 7:30 AM Apr 19, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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On Friday afternoon, we shut the doors here at HD and begin a 48-hour drinking and whoring binge, so often, we miss ladynews that happens over the weekend, which is why we sometimes have Pantylines, wherein we write quips about things that happened 2 days ago.

If you also went on a drinking and whoring binge, this is what you may also have missed.

  • Concealed weapons become ever easier to carry everywhere. [SocImages] I would advise showing your gun nut friends this when they complain about their lack of rights, but then you'd have to explain what a computer is, so ... just smile and nod and try not to turn your back to them.
  • A survey of 30,000 women put Christina Hendricks on the cover of Esquire. [ONTD] Which means Megan Fox didn't make it on the cover. Our gift to you, men of the world.
  • Mass. gubernatorial candidate compares paying taxes to getting raped. [ConcordMonitor] Exactly! Because you get awesome and necessary public services that improve your life when paying taxes, and when you get raped, you get ... oh wait. Raped.
  • Tabloids ask Chris Noth for dating advice. [People] Kind of like asking Chris Noth for crime-solving advice. Or tabloids for journalism advice.
  • "Women's Month" 3-grader curriculum accused of having "gay agenda." [Star-Ledger] New Jersey continuing to do "all it can" to make sure liberal, educated northeast U.S. stereotype remains wholly false.

Pantylines, Monday 5 April

Posted at 8:00 AM Apr 05, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Good morning, Dolls. I am in the midst of a master's thesis writing hell, and my brain doesn't work for long sentences. Lucky for me, mediocre, even punny, punchlines explaining the news of the weekend requires minimal thought. Yes, you deserve better, and I'll make it up to you somehow, someday.

Meanwhile, enjoy my unabashed punning after the jump.

Read more Pantylines, Monday... >>

Pantylines, March 8, 2010

Posted at 8:00 AM Mar 08, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Good morning, Dolls! If you, like me, forgot everything you ever knew about life and love and truth when Gabby Sidibe didn't win a Best Actress award last night, you may have forgotten all kinds of important ladynews that happened over the weekend. Here's a refresher course featuring Bigelow, Bea Arthur and an unhealthy dose of conservative sexual bigotry.

Read more Pantylines, March... >>

Pantylines, 2/22/10

Posted at 8:45 AM Feb 22, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Will winter ever go away? Not the Olympics, of course--they can go as long and hard as Apolo Ohno wants them to--but the winter that's outside. The cold part. The sad, cloudy part. We are over it. And thus, we shall distract ourselves with this over-the-weekend ladynews.

  • U.S. and Canadian women's hockey teams are so good, it's not even funny. No really, it's kind of cruel. [CNN] Personally, I'd pay for the privilege of being smeared into a cream cheese-like paste by those teams.
  • A proposed Saudi law would allow women lawyers in court. [WaPo] But only in family and child cases, because those are ladythings that only women know about. If gays are ever allowed to practice, the government will probably just put them in charge of prosecuting fashion crimes. You know, because gays like fashion.
  • Gender equality is an illusion. [WaPo] And not the fun David Blaine kind. Although sometimes being a woman is kind of like holding your breath in Times Square while people point and laugh.
  • Sarah Palin inspires conservative women. [FoxNews] For example, Ann Coulter. And probably some other people. FoxNews also kind of not clear on existence of women who are not Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter.
  • Lady Gaga's coming out (pun intended) with designer condoms. [Salon] They're remarkably tame for, you know, her style.
  • DID YOU SEE THE U.S. LADIES BEAT GREAT BRITAIN IN CURLING IT WAS AWESOME [USA Today] I'm hoping to make the 2014 team. It's my best chance for an Olympic medal, unless competitive losing-crap-in-my-massive-purse takes off.

Pantylines, 2/15/10

Posted at 7:15 AM Feb 15, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Good morning, Dolls! I've had half a cup of Earl Grey and am feeling plucky, so I thought I might try my hand at some quippy pantylines this morning. What happened in ladynews over the weekend? Read on:

  • The U.S. women's hockey team beat China 12-1. [LA Times] Nevertheless, China wins overall as millions of Americans still struggle to eat their Pei Wei with chopsticks.
  • Some Israeli Dude arrested for confining, raping a harem of 21 women. [NY Daily News] Media outlets soon to go into Defcon 5, the level at which they can barely contain their lurid joy at a story about a woman confined for sex.
  • Women often miss signs of a heart attack. [Boston Globe] Half said family caregiving responsibilities kept them from seeing a doctor. Being single on Valentine's Day now sounds kind of awesome, in the way that being alive sounds kind of awesome.
  • Emergency contraception finally being doled out at military pharmacies. [NYT] Look, just because you decided to serve your country doesn't mean it can't do its damndest to oppress you. Remember, wearing a veil is real oppression!
  • After the death of a male Olympic luger, the women's luge track is now 800 ft. shorter, and ladies are pissed. [HuffPo] Men now starting at original women's starting point, 600 ft. in. We now know that women are exactly 200 ft. less awesome than men. Thanks, Olympics!

Pantylines, Monday 25 January

Posted at 9:08 AM Jan 25, 2010

Andrea Grimes

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The news, of course, does not stop just because you took this weekend to indulge yourself in a number of comedy shows and karaoke events and breakfast tacos. (And by "you" I mean "me.") Here's what happened on the Sat's and Sun's in ladynews:

  • "She Works. They're Happy." Is the headline in this NYT piece about working married women? It's in the styles section, of course. Because stories about work that men and companies do goes in business, and stories about ladies go in style. If you just took an office bet on Betty Friedan being namechecked in the lede, collect your winnings.
  • Lead has been found in ladies' handbags, according to ABC. Also probably found somewhere in ladies handbags: the cure for cancer, a Great American Novel.
  • Bristol Palin says she's not having any more premarital sex. This is like the other day at the bar when you yarfed up a tequila shot and declared you weren't drinking any more. Sure, you aren't. Sure. You. Aren't.
  • Betty White got a lifetime achievement SAG award. No snark here.
  • Frisky's got the various Emma lead actresses through the years. If you love sweet, curly ear-tendrils, get your ladyboner in check now.
  • Why PETA's shock tactics fall flat as a call to vegetarian action on Shapely Prose. Personally, I'm not hungry for anything--tofu or a steak--after I watch a stripper get murdered.

Pantylines, Monday 18 January

Posted at 8:00 AM Jan 18, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Top o' the morning to you, Dolls, on this Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Are you at work? I'm at work. Together, we work. And read about the ladynews you may have missed over the weekend.

  • Bratz dolls may give girls unrealistic expectation of head size. [The Onion] And to girls who are not Lady Gaga, an unrealistic expectation of the amount of eye makeup it is possible to wear at one time.
  • The Golden Globes were on. [Everywhere] You have until noon to talk about them, after that it's all Oscar BS.
  • If you live in Virginia, you can get a pro-choice license plate! [Feministe] Additional insurance against paint damage due to anti-choice nutbags keying your vehicle sold separately.
  • Men's rights movement pissed off that someone's giving Haitian women tampons and pads. [RHRealityCheck] Possibly what the men of the men's rights movement needs, more than their obviously violated rights, is a basic understanding of the differences between men and women's bodies.
  • Kentucky women can now look forward to having to view an ultrasound before an abortion. [Ms] Onion already nailed the punchline on this one.
  • You cannot color your vaginaskin. A blogger tried. For real. [I, Asshole] The stuff appears to be Kool-Aid. Which I would be way more likely to sprinkle down there than dye.

Pantylines, Monday 11 January

Posted at 9:40 AM Jan 11, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Are you prepared for the long slog to, what, St. Patrick's Day? Is that the next holiday we have that's fun? I hate the post-holidays slump. We're only just beginning this stretch of weeks without any fun to look forward to. (Anyone feeling inclined to jump in here and describe February 14 as "fun" should go ahead send their donation and firstborn to Hallmark and sit on a series of tacks.)

I digress. Here's some new information for your ladyissues brain what happened over the weekend. Pantylines!

  • Even in "feminist" households, women don't do the majority of the driving when the couple's in the car. [NYT] This is clearly related to the fact that feminism causes women to be drunkards, so the men have to drive.
  • Plump lips make women seem younger. [BBC] Things that don't make women seem younger: wrinkles, cellulite, breasts that don't look like rock-hard cantaloupes, did you want the number to a local plastic surgeon or can you get that yourself?
  • The increase in women diplomats is called the "Hillary effect." [WaPo] Just don't call it "steps toward equality" or "finally starting to give women some interesting positions of power," because then it won't be a bizarre anomaly that we can go back on at any time if the boys get scared.
  • Speaking of Hillary, watch her moving and powerful speech on the state of women's health and reproductive freedom that she gave on Friday. [C-Span] It will make you want to slap a #firstworldproblems hashtag on every single thing you do.

The first Pantylines of the new year!

Posted at 7:30 AM Jan 04, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Feeling chipper and thrilled to be back at your desks after the holiday? Anxious to get started on all those projects you were pushing back until after Drunkcember? I thought you would be. Here's what happened in ladynews over the weekend, which is in no way a procrastination tool to give you something to do on a Monday morning that is not actual work.

  • Men For Women Now encourages men to tell women to get mammograms to "save boobs." [MenForWomenNow] Remember ladies, it's not your actual existence that's important, it's the quality and health of your tits. If you don't save your own life, who will get the opportunity to enjoy your big, healthy breasts? Not men, that's for sure. And you owe them that much.
  • Pioneering newspaperwoman Deborah Howell has died. [NYT] An inspiration to dedicated reporters and journalists everywhere.
  • In praise of gender-equal late night infomercials. [Bitch] What are you doing with your Magic Bullet under that Snuggie?
  • Women beaten, abused if they don't sit in the back of some Israeli buses. [Change.org] The beautiful consistency of religious fundamentalism: a new decade, same old shit.
  • Statistically speaking, you have probably screwed Warren Beatty. [E!] You and 12,774 of your closest friends. I wonder if he banged any dudes?
  • Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin are the most admired women in America. [LA Times] Based on a poll of about 1,000 people. Ladies and gentlemen: science!

Pantylines, Monday 28 December

Posted at 8:00 AM Dec 28, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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Good news, Dolls! I'll be opening a 19th century brothel with all the makeup my family gave me for Christmas. So send in your resume (pony express is fine) and let me know what your skills are. Sorry, we already have a VP of Bustles. Here's what else happened in lady news while you were opening presents and/or going to the movies this weekend:

  • What's wrong with Jersey Shore? [Sociological Images] Other than the fact that it's about vapid pornified dipshits? Yes, other than that.
  • The worst fictional boyfriends of the decade. [Jezebel] Strangely, that Canadian boyfriend I told my friends I met in a Telnet chat in high school is not on the list. Maybe he was real.
  • Happy holidays from rapist Roman Polanski! [Broadsheet] Devastated that he will forever be confined to pondering the Swiss countryside, Polanski nonetheless managed to thank his supporters in a breathless e-mail. It's a Christmas miracle.
  • A better reason than "men are from Mars" for Tiger Woods' high-profile sex scandal. [RH Reality Check] But I don't understand it, for I am but a lowly brainless woman who just wants to have babies and one man for the rest of her life.
  • Is CNN seriously declaring 2009 the "age of sex scandals," for real reals? [CNN] New this year: Jersey Shore, sliced bread and sex. 
  • JFK had sexy swim time with naked ladies! There's proof! [TMZ] Wait wait wait, I thought 2009 was the year we discovered sex and scandalous sex, besides?

Pantylines, Monday 21 December

Posted at 7:55 AM Dec 21, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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If you were wondering whether or not it's possible for a cat to scratch his box so loud that it would wake a ladyblogger out of a dead sleep, the answer is: yes. My Monday is off to a rollicking start. Here's what happened over the weekend in lady news:

  • The LA coroner has tentatively ruled Brittany Murphy's death "natural." [Jez] Natural for a celebrity, in that Perez Hilton has not ceased to be a nosy, speculative asshole about it.
  • Anti-choice Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.) doesn't know what Roe v. Wade actually says. [Feministe] At this point, trying to squeeze the terms "Republican" and "knowledge" and "facts" and "truth" in one sentence is like completing a Rubik's Cube.
  • Amanda Marcotte argues that the public option is potentially more valuable than standing against Stupak-Pitts. [Pandagon] I'm sorry, women of America. Did someone lead you to believe you wouldn't always and forever be asked to compromise your own needs for the larger good? Go make me a sandwich. It's in your best interest.
  • At the 11th hour, an Oklahoma judge blocked women getting abortions' private information from being posted online. [Broadsheet] Making info available online is supposed to gather information on how to prevent future abortions. Because nobody likes to screw with Big Brother in the room. Awkward!
  • Feminist reasons for loving sports. [Bitch] No snark here. I'm in total agreement.

Pantylines, Monday 14 December 2009

Posted at 10:14 AM Dec 14, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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​There was news, and it happened. It happened this weekend. Look, here it is.

  • MTV names the Kardashian sisters something on some list. [MTV] Things MTV is in the business of: putting bullshit celebrities on lists. Things MTV is not in the business of: music.
  • Soy milk will kill you, but only if you've survived breast cancer. [Marin Independent-Journal] Other things that will kill you: EVERYTHING.
  • Women veterans not getting a warm welcome upon returning from Iraq. [Yahoo] Women misunderstood, underappreciated. That sure isn't a story I've ever heard anywhere, ever before, for any reason.
  • Iranian dudes do lady things in solidarity with man who was forced to do lady things in punishment. [Feminist Philosophers] News flash: lady things will not kill you. 50 percent of world population still alive, kicking.
  • The HuffPo takes Nike to task for not dumping Philandering Tiger. [HuffPo] Corporate money machine more interested in profit than moral values? Interesting. Tell me more.

Pantylines, Monday 30 November

Posted at 7:38 AM Nov 30, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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Good holiday morning, Dolls! Have you eaten all your leftovers? Ready to get back to the grind? I am well rested and ready to bring you the ladynews of the weekend. Here's a hint: it's not all good.

  • Sudanese teenager given 50 lashes for wearing a long skirt. [Change.org] Obviously Sudan's problems are so miniscule they have plenty of time to focus on how women dress. Right? That's a neat trick.
  • Some Swiss women adamant in vote against minarets. [Times UK] Architecture: the silent killer.
  • eBay exec Meg Whitman tries to woo lady voters in CA governor's race. [HuffPo] Fun fact! Women are only relevant in politics when one of them gets a wild hair up her lady-ass and tries to run for something. The rest of the time, we just talk about shoes.
  • "Grannies," not "women," arrested for gambling. [Some Harvard student] "Ivy League," not "synonymous with smart."
  • Have you ever been "turkey dropped by a S.O. during the holidays? [Jezebel] And here I thought the turkey drop was something I did 3-4 hours after Christmas lunch.
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