College co-eds gone contemplative

Posted at 7:07 AM Nov 11, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

gossipgirl.jpgIt's a shame I like watching television at 1:00 a.m. so much, 'cause it sucks to be winding down from a long day and have to get all riled up again when I see a Girls Gone Wild infomercial. Blame the girls, blame Joe Francis, blame my chronic insomnia, but the whole brand just reeks of glitter-lotioned ignorance. So allow me to express my surprise at New York's recent portrayal of a non-promiscuous co-ed on their Daily Intel blog.

In "The Contemplative, Not-Getting-Any College Student," NY's occasional foray into the sex lives of others actually contains no sex. Does the fact that it's written by a 20-year-old college student living in New York City surprise you?

"12:30 p.m.: At school. Contrary to popular belief, there aren’t many romantic options for female college students in New York. Or, I should say, for girls who don’t want to either (a) be in relationships with much older men, (b) have sex with guys who wear bronzer, or (c) hook up with the rare straight college males who are very aware of what a commodity they are."

Oh, hon. Sounds like a Water Street dorm Bobcat (Hey, did you know NYU had a mascot? Yeah. It's named after the library catalog--Bobst Catalog.) The author gets dissed in the comments by folks calling her stupid, square, or worse, a liar. To them I say: I was so, so in her boat five years ago. Consider this gal vouched for.

Sure, NYU's full of hot men. Most of them are gay. What of NYC itself? Yes, plenty of men--and even more women. What's a straight gal to do? Well, do what I did--snag one on the first day of orientation or bed a grad student too busy to go trolling for tail elsewhere. But NY Mag's gal? She's got another option:

Noon: I contemplate masturbating this morning to put off my homework, but I feel too lazy to even bother. Maybe like a chameleon, my sex drive has adapted to its surroundings.
2:30 p.m.: Trying to put off my homework even more, I scan through my Facebook account, my BlackBerry, and my in-box trying to think if I am friends with any guys who I haven’t hooked up with already. Zilch.

Don't give up, Contemplative Not-Getting-Any College Student. Your day will come, and so will you.

Are your shoes pedi-donkulous?

Posted at 3:17 PM Oct 21, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

There's a lot to like (or in my case, love) about Sex and the City. Unfortunately the thing I love least of all is probably what most non-SATC fans are most familiar with: the show's shoe obsession. Say you're a SATC fan in front of a n00b, and chances are you're going to get asked, "Why do you like a show about overpriced shoes?"

No doubt, SATC vaulted designer shoes (and designers, cough, Manolo) into the mainstream vernacular. Of course, whether designers really want to be in the mainstream vernacular is another story, but I'd bet the paycheck makes any highbrow artistic aspirations a little easier to forget about. Regardless, this shoe business is getting out of control.

Late last week, Christian Louboutin announced his intention to produce an 8" high heel.

Ladies, I ask you, what the hell are we doing to our feet? We already know we could end up a bunch of hobbling cripples by the age of 50. And yet we plow (or demurely step) on. I'm a victim, myself. I love, love love my Cole Haan 3" pumps with the Nike Air soles. No, they're not good for jogging, but they're a hell of a lot better feeling than the other shoes I'm likely to wear: vintage heels in all shapes and sizes. Sparkly, shiny, bright, understated, I don't care--my closet is absolutely overflowing with heels gleaned from thrift stores, vintage shops and my mother's closet over the past decade.


And yet, how far is too far? I shudder to think of the damage I've already done to my feet, plodding along through New York City and London, walking miles a day at a height of 2" or more. Since moving to Austin, I've obtained a bike and a love for flats, and I'm only now realizing that my feet don't have to hurt all the time! And so I ache, literally and figuratively, for the celebuladies in People's Style Watch "Star's Most Outrageous Shoes" today and their shocking pedi-donkulousness.

Case in point: the Antonio Berardi boots recently worn by Victoria Beckham. You may see this runway photo, and think, hey, those are just some tall boots. But click the link--they don't have heels! Yes, they are kind of fabulous, but WTF? Does David Beckham care what kind of shoes Posh wears? Does any man, for that matter, go around choosing women based on the height and ridiculousness of her footwear? (Oh, dear. Don't answer that if you, uh, do do that.)

With some notable drag or TG exceptions, I've never seen a man in a pair of heels or any shoe, for that matter, that he felt was uncomfortable. And yet day in and day out, us girls schlep around with blistered feet. With the intention of pleasing ... whom?

Marcia, Marcia ... Marcia!?

Posted at 1:44 PM Oct 16, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

bradys.jpgYou know how you always imagine that the popular, pretty girl's life isn't as great as it seems to be but you never get around to proving it, especially not after you got caught stalking her and had that stupid restraining order set against you and who really is able to judge precisely how long 50 feet is, anyway?

Maybe just me. OK.

So excuse me for being totally riveted by the new Maureen McCormick, a.k.a. Marcia Brady, revelations about drug use and venereal disease. Oh yes, venereal disease. That Brady Bunch set sounds like a parrrrrrty on bizarre green astroturf. OK Mag has the scoop on the scoop McCormick's giving The Morning Show with Some Guy and Some Girl, and a hearty spoonful it is:

"My grandmother died in a mental institution, she had contracted syphilis from her husband...he committed suicide a week after. My mother contracted the disease from my grandmother" ....

Add cocaine and abortions and you've got one hell of a memoir, McCormick. (Well, literally ... the book's called Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice.) Sing-along time, everybody!

Here's the story of an actress lady
Who was famous in another time and another world.
She was raking in cash and gold, no regard for others,
But she was one sad girl.

On the TV, she played Marcia Brady,
A goody-two-shoes, liked to talk on the phone,
But in real life, things were way different,
A different kinda line at home.

There was one day when the lady met this fellow
His name was Spielberg, and she nearly lost her lunch,
She was so high she didn't know up from downish,
Nobody hired her and her career went into a slump.
Oh, Brady Bunch,

That's the way it was behind the scenes on the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch!

Boy George, karma expert, warns Winehouse

Posted at 7:44 AM Oct 10, 2008

by Andrea Grimes

boy-g.jpgWho knows more about karma and chameleons than Boy George? None! None, I say! And so it's rather appropriate that he's reaching out to our poor, troubled Amy Winehouse. Using his vocal chords for the force of good for the first time in a quarter century, the former drug addict has announced he thinks Winehouse ought to quit taking the drugs. Boy, Boy George, you are nothing if not observant. And that's why I've modified your 80s classic Karma Chameleon to make sure we really, really get through to Winehouse.

Come-a Clean, Young One

Stumbling round with your eyeliner all astray
If I confiscated your pipe would you say
Im a girl with drug convictions
Im a girl who will not show
How to quit an addiction
Rehab, just go
Rehab, just go

Come-a come-a come-a come-a come-a clean, young one
Something on your nose
Something on your nose
Quitting won't be easy no more seeing colors on LSD
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Used to hear your soulful songs every day
And you used to be almost coherent, oh Amy
You said drugs weren't an addiction
When you sing your voice is gone
When it goes, you're gone forever
Grammy's gone
Grammy's gone

Every day, paparazzi survival
Pete was your lover, now your rival
Every day, beehive survival
Hairspray's your lover, not your rival

Find a man with conviction
Find a man who doesn't know
How to sell a coke concoction
Rehab, just go
Rehab, just go

How to Become a Gentleman

Posted at 1:00 PM Sep 30, 2008

by Andrea Grimes

king50 Rules to Being a Gentleman. No, it's not a guide to getting your transgender on, it's a guide to proper conduct for "dudes who split bills on fast-food dates," brought to you by King magazine, "the illest men's magazine ever." Of course, King fails to take into account the fact that any "dude" who splits a fast-food bill probably doesn't spend a lot of time reading magazines or critically evaluating his own behavior or having thoughts.

But that shouldn't bar us from passing on a few tips just in case you ladies out there are dating un-ill men. For instance, rapper Q-Tip suggests tip #40: "“[As far as books], start with the classics: Catcher in the Rye, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Odyssey, Crime and Punishment.” Does that seem too hard? Skip right on to #39: "If reading books the size of War & Peace seems daunting, peruse different types of magazines—ones covering art, architecture, design or photography."

They don't really get to the good stuff until #19: "Avoid unnecessary use of expletives in public, especially in the presence of a woman you’re trying to impress." King, you suggested someone read Crime and Punishment before telling them not to drop F-bombs? Baby steps, for fuck's sake. Oops.

Tip #8 just makes me want to cry: "Even if you’re having a one-night stand with a woman, be respectful. Jay-Z might brag about kicking women out five minutes after having sex with them, but he’s not having sex with your date—you are. Casual sex needn’t be disrespectful. In fact, it’s more fun when its not."

But what's the #1 way to be a gentleman? Don't procreate! "Young guys should pump their brakes," declareth King. "Don’t have kids until you’re 30, and look at her family and background to know what you’re getting into."

Yet, King has missed the forest for the trees. Based on a perusal of King covers, I'd posit that a great start to becoming a gentleman would be avoiding King altogether.

A magazine for the "New South"

Posted at 10:30 AM Sep 15, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

garden.jpgPicked up your copy of Garden and Gun magazine, yet? It's a publication for the "New South," where gardens and guns live in harmony together with mint juleps and wide-brimmed hats. Infuriatingly, the magazine doesn't have any breaking news in the War of Northern Aggression. Which is strange, because I'm sure I heard something about Georgia being invaded recently.

One can only speculate as to how Southerners kept their gardens and guns properly maintained before a publishing genius fulfilled this most nichest of niches. Trouble is, how do you know if you're an Old Southerner or a New Southerner? I've delineated a few key points in Garden and Gun that should help you decide whether to subscribe or just to head out for a Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity with the guys from the feed store.

New South: "The Pork Is In The Mail," about 10 "iconic" Southern foods you can order through the mail
Old South: Actually cooking dinner

New South: Thoughtful, prosaic "Goodbye, Bo Diddley" memorial obituary
Old South: Drinking moonshine and listening to Bo Diddley

New South: "Miranda Lambert: The New Queen of Country"
Old South: "Quit yer yammerin and put on that Loretta Lynn record. We don't need no new damn queen."

New South: A reader writes, "I am a 44-year-old avid hunter and saltwater fly fisherman. I also like a great bottle of wine and 700 thread-count cotton sheets on my hunt camp bed."
Old South: "What in the hell is your dysfunction, friend? Now get in the deer blind and shut up."

New South: "A Love Letter to Southern Coaches"
Old South: "I'll tell you what, if Mac Brown doesn't get his shit together this season, I'm gonna go down there to that damned University of Texas and coach the bitch myself."

Old and New South: gardens, guns

A Letter From London: Cosmo vs. Maxim

Posted at 6:53 AM Sep 12, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

kate-cosmo.jpgHello from London! This girl just spent 10 hours on an airplane. Does that mean I got a lot of work done and sat next to a handsome Englishman dying to show me around upon landing? Hellz no. I watched TK Mrs. Pettigrew, and sat next to a toddler with the world's most astounding, enduring set of vocal chords. Truly, the little beast was a medical anomaly. I can only hope the parents were taking it in to get tagged or cataloged or similar.

The urge to buy a Cosmo in an airport is nearly undeniable, and it overtakes women who ought to know better with shocking ease. However, I decided that as long as I was going to be reading suspect literature, I might as well go all the way. So I bought a Maxim, too, and spent the better part of Screamer Fit No. 9 (A Concerto) doing a page-by-page comparison of the two magazines.

Without further comment, I give you Cosmo vs. Maxim: What A Man Wants. Draw what conclusions you will.

Cosmo cover : tousle-haired Kate Hudson wearing a plaid corset
Maxim cover : tousle-haired Megan Fox holding a bedsheet

Cosmo page 47: "Hot Sheet" declares taking back your ex is a bad idea
Maxim page 47: "High Infidelity" tells you why your girlfriend is cheating on you

Cosmo page 50: "6 Things You Didn't Know About Kate Hudson"
Maxim page 50: "The Worst Teams in College Football"

Cosmo page 56: "When Guys Bail Without Warning"
Maxim page 56: An open letter to Megan Fox declaring her "Earth's Hottest Girl"; lingerie pictures of Megan Fox

Cosmo page 61: black-and-white advertisement for Calvin Klein perfume featuring (implied) topless model (implied) in the throes of ecstasy
Maxim page 61: "48 Hours in Las Vegas" guide to debauchery

Cosmo page 78: "This Is What It Means When Guys Cry"
Maxim page 78: Interview with actress Nadine Velazquez re: crotchless panties; photo of aforementioned actress in bra

I'll believe it when I see it: Marie Claire gets real

Posted at 11:03 AM Sep 10, 2008

by Andrea Grimes

marieclaireNever underestimate reality television's continuing dedication to making "reality" out of people whose job it is to subvert and alter reality. Except this time, they're not exposing manipulative celebs a la Denise Richards, they're tailing Marie Claire mag staffers. They'll be the new subject of a "docu-reality" series on the Style Network, airing in March.

Could be a disaster; could be fascinating. If it's going to be all launch parties and fashion shows, and if those super-confessional diary entries are going to be all about overblown office politics, I'll opt out. But if there's just one scene--one scene--where they show an overloaded editor saying, "Fuck it, Avon sent us this sample lipstick and I need something pink to go on this spread, so we're calling this stuff the new It Stick and if anyone disagrees they can shove this Venti latte down their promotional Prada clutch!" I'll be a happy, happy camper.

Other key elements of the show I'd love to see: cover line writing sessions and the awkward silence in editorial meetings when someone asks who'd like to write "150 Hairstyles Even You Can Master" (you idiot?). Will staffers confess to the intense pressure in the fashion journo world to look superhot on $28k/year in Manhattan? Or will everything remain mysteriously fabulous, jet-setting and dramatic?

We'll have to wait and see. In the meantime, I'm going to go take notes on the Top 10 Best Watches for Fall. What if I pick the wrong one? Equal-opportunity pandering

Posted at 10:52 AM Sep 09, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

cheaters.jpgI'm sitting here on a lawn on the campus of the University of Texas, hanging out with a group of women's studies gals who've convened to sit around and talk about the patriarchy and other man-hatin' issues on our agenda. And I'm surfing the 'Net, thinking I've gotta get some more fascinating content up for you guys, and I come across this article: "The New Infidelity."

"You guys are not going to believe what I'm reading right now," I piped, interrupting a discussion about Arab representations in Western media. (WE'RE SMRT.) "Women commit infidelity! And you know why? does: men do too much housework."

It's a conversation stopper. I quoth:

"... Diane Shader Smith, the author of Undressing Infidelity: Why More Women Are Unfaithful [says] "Nowadays women have jobs. And if they're home, there are gardeners, there are pool men. They have opportunities and they feel empowered." They also feel sexual. And while your prowess with a Dyson is commendable, it's hardly titillating."
That's right, dudes. Put the housework down and start being an unavailable man-ball of testosterone. That'll definitely keep your wife from stepping out.

At least one real-life rebuttal from our circle: "My husband is a sweet angel. That is ridiculous."

I'm a BodyWatcher

Posted at 11:10 AM Sep 04, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

muffin.jpgPeople magazine's "BodyWatch" section, a thoughtful exploration of body-image issues and health concerns, offers valuable insight today into a few revolutionary self-grooming, weight-loss and well-being techniques that will enrich your daily routine. By using real-life examples from the popular celebrities we know and admire, we can better understand how to make ourselves in their image. In this paper, I will attempt to draw out some of the key arguments presented in "BodyWatch" and translate them into a more accessible form for Heartless Doll readers.

Initially, BodyWatch theorist Amy Keith advises those seeking to lose weight to follow the example of actress Eva Mendes. She notes: "Consistency is key for Eva Mendes, who makes fitness a part of her daily life." One way in which readers can achieve this is by having a personal trainer. Keith notes that this is not possible for everyone. Alternately, "If you need inspiration to get moving, read" In the vernacular: have trouble getting off your ass and losing weight? Surf the Internet.

Next, the notable aesthetic authority Maureen Harrington presents the results of what has clearly been years of close research based on the skin care regime of Orlando Bloom. "Orlando Bloom keeps his skin looking camera-ready with another great British export – U.K.-based Liz Earle Naturally Active Skincare line." If one's socioeconomic status prevents one from purchasing this line of skincare, Harrington offers an alternative: "Read about more healthy skincare ideas on" If this seems too esoteric for readers, allow me to summarize briefly: "Read about more healthy skincare ideas on"

Thirdly, health-anthropologist Lisa Marsh expounds at some length on the advantages of teaching healthy habits to children as young as 3 years old through the example of The Biggest Loser star Allison Sweeney. "Sweeney is already teaching 3-year-old son Ben the importance of exercise," writes Marsh. If this theory seems problematic, consider alternately the horror of having a fat toddler. Confused? Marsh posits: "Find out how to feel and look your best while you're expecting on" It is a refreshingly postmodern embracing of new media; who are doctors, and what is truth? Read, perhaps, to find out.

Serena Kappes, who needs no introduction, considers the problem of back pain and wastes no time in offering her interpretation: "dancer-turned-teacher Elaine Petrone's The Elaine Petrone Method: Stop the Back Pain could offer you some relief." Her theory speaks for itself, but the conclusion she draws is worth considering: "Find out five other ways to baby your back on"

Kappes goes on, in another section, to the cultural significance of chocolate craving in adult females: "The Real Housewives of New York City star Bethenny Frankel, who's also a natural-foods chef, made a guilt-free chocolate muffin..." for a Law and Order actress. Feeling a gastronomical desire for the muffins is natural. We may examine the muffin in detail, according to an uncharacteristically enthusiastic Kappes, "Get the recipe for Mariska's Joyful Heart Fudge Chip Muffins on!" At this point, one may identify an interesting pattern with regard to Can the reader suss it out? We will discuss next class.

The Adventure of the Hipster Hooker

Posted at 8:29 AM Aug 21, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

callgirl.jpgHow can it be that the world's oldest profession is still so incredibly fascinating to us repressed Americans? You'd think after a few thousand years of whoring around, we'd have all the juicy deets. But other peoples' illicit sex lives never get old, and even though "Secrets of a Hipster Hooker" in Radar this month tells me absolutely nothing I didn't already know about hookers, it's not any less riveting. Hell, this could be a million monkeys pecking away at typewriters, and if one of them came up with a barely readable article about sex workers, I'd devour it.

Added bonus: the author, a brave/stupid Jessica Pilot, whose tits aren't big enough to warrant her a four-figure hourly rate, according to her madam, actually tries hooking. The rest of the time, she's interviewing a few well-bred call girls whose trust funds, one would think, should make the temptation to sell their bodies rather small. But they rake in $300,000 in tax-free cash, and one of their clients even does their taxes!

But here's where every article and fable about prostitution fails, including this one: nowhere is there a discussion of STD's. One of these girls estimates she's slept with 70 clients in a couple of years of working. I don't care if you use a condom every time, something's bound to slip through. And yet, these high class call-girls never seem to address the issue of contracting anything. Then again, maybe they're so expensive because they get tested all the time. And if that's the case, I want to know.

You say tomato, I say this is unbelievably ridiculous

Posted at 8:08 AM Aug 14, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

menwomen.jpgMagazine showdown time! It's the battle of the century between Cosmo and Ask Men! The gauntlet has been thrown! The battle is on! Who will fight the good fight? Who will leave me comments with more and better war clichés?

The hot-button issue: things men and women can do, exclusive to each other. Ask Men has the original list, "10 Things Only Men Can Do," which includes men being able to go topless and hold their liquor. (Is it time to rename the site Ask Asshats? yet?) But Cosmo's retort is all "Oh, no she didn't!" with enviable female abilities like getting pregnant and looking sexy while sipping a fruity drink.

I don't even know where to start, here. The fact that we're making boys vs. girls lists about qualities that deal with anything other than purely biological or legal abilities is so packed with hetero-focused sexism that my weak little ovaries are 'bout to 'splode.

So let's break it down. (Note: Cosmo really went the extra mile with 21 reasons, but I'm just dealing with a few key selections from the top 10, because I don't have the kind of time or willpower to deal with much more unabashed stupidity.)

Ask Men 10. Men can "go topless" because it's legal and also, because their tits don't jiggle when they play streetball. I guess these guys haven't seen a lot of the guys I've seen playing streetball. Also, where I live here in Austin, it's totes legal for girls to drop their tops anywhere, any time. Viva Texas!

Cosmo 10. Women can "get out of a speeding ticket" with a wink and a smile. In what universe? The cops who pull me over are the same rule-obsessed wanks who pull guys over, and I know a lot of women with a lot of speeding tickets.

Ask Men 9. Men can "hold our liquor." Look, just because you can drink more of it because, on average, you're larger, doesn't mean you can "hold it" better. Case in point: every frat and bachelor party in history. And don't even get me started on your cretin-level joke about global warming discussions.

Cosmo 9. Women can "wear skirts." Uh, the Sartorialist disagrees, and I think he's right.

More shocking stereotypes and bad jokes after the jump!

Read more You say tomato,... >>

Celebrity trends, we can has them!

Posted at 10:05 AM Aug 11, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

twins.jpgCeleb rags never fail to amaze with their unabashed enthusiasm for identifying one characteristic or fact about a celebrity and calling it a trend or a must-have. Nicole Richie gets spotted with a hot tea? Nicole Richie loves hot tea! You should get some hot tea! Lauren Conrad wears flip-flops? Flip-flops will make you thin! The latest craze, according to OK!: twins!

Yes, "twins are in," like gladiator shoes and leggings. Gah. Aside from the fact that it would be impossible for a bunch of Hollywood breeders to get together and decide to have pairs of babies, uh, it would be impossible for a bunch of Hollywood breeders to get together and decide to have pairs of babies. But hey, since Lisa Marie Presley, Brangelina, Julia Roberts and a handful of other Hollywooders have had twins, it's all the rage.

Going off that logic, let's spot some more hot celebrity trends. Hayden Panatierre and Bill Murray have both dealt with domestic violence incidents in the past few weeks. Trend alert! Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes died this weekend, so kickin' the bucket is probably the new grey/is the new black/is the new "That's hot." Oh, and a lot of celebrities carry purses and wear shoes. You heard it here first, trendozoids!

Talk of cougars makes us growl

Posted at 8:18 AM Aug 04, 2008

By Andrea Grimes

If ever Hollywood had a rough weekend, it's the last. Bernie Mac has pneumonia, Christina Applegate (love you, funny girl) has breast cancer -- and even weirder, the Superficial reported but did not make fun of it -- and David Beckham is American teens' "male athlete of the year." 'Cause we all know how us Americans love to watch a good game of footie.

But who has it perennially rough? Hollywood ladies over the ancient age of 30, with one foot in the retirement home and the other foot in ... hot men!? How can it be? Yes, OK! magazine reports on Hollywood's hottest cougars today, announcing with surprise that it is possible for those old ladies to be hot and popular with the gents.


Near-death Demi Moore is hitched to 30-year-old Ashton Kutcher, who's practically still in pre-school. Kim Cattrall has had a relationship of shocking length -- three years! -- with Alan Wyse, who at 28, has not yet run screaming from her laugh lines. Jen Aniston and John Mayer, with a gaping 9-year difference in age, are probably doomed. Gwenyth Paltrow, nigh the crypt-keeper at 36, reminds youthful 31-year-old Chris Martin every day that death is near. Madonna isn't supposedly even with Guy any more, but they're 10 years apart, so they get the OK! treatment, too. Courteney Cox's withered uterus even managed to punch out a kid with David Arquette. And holyfuckingcow, Susan Sarandon has been together with Tim Robbins for 20 years even though she's -- gasp -- 12 years his senior? Somebody give Tim the cougar medal. And this is just stupid: Sandra Bullock is only 3 years older than her man. Keep clicking for more cougar-shaming with Julianne Moore and Maria Bello.

Maybe OK! is seriously trying to give these girls some kind of bro-high-five for bagging hot younger dudes. But this girl, who intends to be a hot and ancient 35-year-old someday, wouldn't want to be called out like some kind of freak of nature because she's still working it. Dear readers, I would like to see a moratorium on cougar-calling. Am I overreacting?

Pinkberry, who loves ya baby?

Posted at 8:52 AM Jul 31, 2008

By Andrea Grimes


When I rolled off the couch this morning, fully dressed and narrowly avoiding a half-consumed whiskey sour perched precariously on the coffee table, I had one thing on my mind: that the readers of Heartless Doll must be told what Mike Tyson likes to snack on! Actually, that might have been my second thought. I believe the first one was "this Lean Pocket is not going to do the trick."

In any case, you guys get some celebrity food news while I try to find out how many calories there are in a Cheesy Beefy Melt. OK! mag has done some super-sleuthing to find out which celebrities like to eat what. (Full disclosure: one of these celebrities is Nicole Richie. And to be fair, she's not actually eating in the OK! photo, but she is at least holding her food.)

In an effort to make tabloid journalism even mildly mentally stimulating, I figured it'd be fun to fashion up a little match game for you brilliant kiddos. So gather 'round your co-workers, and that creepy guy from sales, and see who can pair up the celeb with their snackage! (Note, two of the eateries will be used twice.)

Celebs: Joel Madden, Britney Spears, Mike Tyson, Miley Cyrus, The Afflecks, Nicole Richie, Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton

Foods: Tea Leaf, YogurTree, Pinkberry, Coffee Bean, random Sherman Oaks donut shop, Starbucks

Answers are after the jump!

Read more Pinkberry, who loves... >>

© 2016 Village Voice Media Holdings, LLC. All Rights Reserved. | Privacy Policy