What would your "true" Valentine's Day card say?

Posted at 3:00 PM Feb 12, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Valentine's Day is here,
and the silly, trendy news features are too!

Monsieur, mademoiselle, may I interest you in a run-of-the-mill gift guide? A celebrity love story? A compendium of "true" Valentine's Day cards? That's how Cracked.com is rocking Valentine's Day, with reader submissions of what they'd really say to their valentines. They are ever so sweet and oh-so-male and I'm real glad I'm going to have a valentine this year or this shit would keep me off the dating scene for the next six months:


Okay, I'm not that much of a Scrooge. Some of them are kinda funny ("Hey hand, thanks for everything. Happy Valentine's Day XOXO" is a particularly shiny gem) and Valentine's Day is such a saccharin holiday, anyway. Trying to be sincere on February 14 is for 14-year-olds and those self-styled Casanova-types who favor gold chains and leather seats.

Nobody actually bought anything this holiday season

Posted at 3:21 PM Jan 08, 2009

By Sharon Steel

OldXmas.jpgOur economy continues to flourish in this delightful free market, where people are buying and consuming, jobs are a-plenty, and President Barack Obama is in his 20th straight term -- the gubmint scientists figured out a way to make him live for an extra couple hundred years till stuff got fixed! Handy, no? Today, the healthy, not-at-all-struggling paper of record The New York Times offers some new retail data on the December sales. Click for some delightfully positive analysis and percentages that will surely quell your fiery Recession-ulcer:

Read more Nobody actually... >>

On tying knots in cherry stems and family reactions thereto

Posted at 12:22 PM Dec 31, 2008

By Bonnie Ruberg

Over at Jezebel today you can find detailed instructions on how to tie knots in cherry stems as a New Year's Eve party trick. This is one of those classic coy ways to grab attention from slightly drunk boys who can only barely wrap their minds around what your tongue must have been doing to achieve such a result. What's interesting to me though is the author's description of how she learned the trick, and her family's reaction:

Unfortunately for my still-probably-embarrassed mother, when does a 12-year-old have access to enough practice maraschino cherry stems but at a family function with an open bar. At least a dozen cherry stems, a massive sugar high and a bunch of snickering male relatives later, I knew how to do it.
I should admit, I'm also one of those girls who can tie knots in cherry stems. Unlike this fine lady though, I don't do it often, and my family doesn't find it embarrassing. Much to the contrary, my mother actually uses it as her party trick. When we're at family functions or social gatherings and someone has a cherry in their drink, she can be heard to proclaim, "Oh, Bonnie knows a great trick with a cherry stem. Go on, Bonnie, show them!" Luckily, if the crowd is old enough, it doesn't seem to occur to them that what I've been guilted into doing is somehow wildly inappropriate. 

How about you, dolls? Any interesting party tricks?

Hanukah has started, let the lameness begin

Posted at 11:59 AM Dec 22, 2008

By Bonnie Ruberg

Last night marked the beginning of Hanukah, the Jewish festival of lights -- i.e. a chance for us pork haters to get gifts for the holidays so our Christian friends can't make fun of us and call our religion stupid. I'm no super Jew, but I like the happy, cultural side of celebrating my heritage, especially when that involves getting presents and making greasy ethnic food (latkes FTW!). I've moved around a lot over the last few years, so I often find myself constructing totally ghetto, yet bizarrely endearing little menorahs -- those things will all the candles, for you gentiles -- out of tea lights and potential flammable tabletops. This year, my Hanukah decorations are set up in the shadow of a little Christmas tree. Don't worry, the Torah says that's okay. At least, I think it does.

So, a couple days ago I brought you a list of the eight things I wish someone would buy me for Hanukah. The fact of the matter is, that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. In reality, us Jews tend to get pretty lame gifts, considering our holiday is spread out over a whole bunch of nights -- well intentioned, to be sure, be weak nonetheless. Here then is a more realistic list of what I can probably expect between now and the 28th from the bag of gifts my mother sent me home with from Philadelphia:

Night 1: a wash cloth (seriously, that was last night's present)

Night 2: a pair of socks with kitties

Night 3: a packet of novelty tissues

Night 4: a brightly colored pair of those stretchy "magic" gloves

Night 5: a singular pair of underwear

Night 6: a small wall calendar with photos of sad puppies

Night 7: a travel-size bottle of scented hand lotion

Night 8: a t-shirt too big for me in a color and cut I would never wear

Yeah, you know you wish you were Jewish. Now to stare longingly at other people's Christmas decorations...

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