OhMiBod, the winner is ...

Posted at 1:43 PM Feb 16, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Over the past couple of weeks, we asked our good, giving and game readers to send us their best and worst sex toy stories, all in hopes of winning an OhMiBod vibrator courtesy of HD and badass online adult toy shop Eden Fantasys.

And submit you did! You Dolls are a wacky bunch--your kids are playing with your vibrators, airport security got handsy with your toys and one of you even taught your mom about masturbation. But one story won the majority of us Dolls' hearts with both content and style, and to that person, we award the OhMiBod vibrator.

Read her mortifying story after the jump!

Read more OhMiBod, the winner... >>

Sexytime giveaway! Win an OhMiBod vibrator from HD and Eden Fantasys

Posted at 10:30 AM Feb 01, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Look at our sexy couple! You might look like this if you win.
The right sexytime music can take makin' love to a whole new level--and since I know our Heartless Doll readers love their gadgetry as much as they love their lovin', I figured a vibrator that schhooozzzzzzes along with your favorite tunes is the way to go for our first-ever giveaway with Eden Fantasys, adult toys superstore. (Their related online mag, SexIs, is also a great source of sexy info.)

But we can't just toss off this awesome OhMiBod Freestyle Music Vibrator to any ole' doll. We need to make sure you need it. That you want it. That you want it inside ... oh, okay, you saw that coming, didn't you?

If you want to win this musically stimulating vibratey goodness (and dudes 'n Dolls, this thing is like expensive and fancy), leave a comment on this post with your most awesome, sexy, mortifying or badass vibrator story. We'll pick a winner before Valentine's Day.

To get you started, I'll tell you a vibrator story of my own, after the jump. (Stop reading here, Mom, my students, potential employers).

Read more Sexytime giveaway!... >>

Gossip giveaway!

Posted at 12:00 PM Oct 30, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

We have schwag! Specifically, we have badass Gossip schwag celebrating the release of their new album, Music For Men. Hope you like sweaty hipster crotch:


Courtesy of Filter mag, we've got a Gossip Music For Men vinyl, a Music For Men CD and a Gossip poster to give to a lucky reader. All you have to do is comment on this post below with a Gossip-related haiku (you knew we'd make you work for it) and the best one wins the schwag. (Be sure to use your valid email addy--otherwise how will we give you this fabulousness?)

FU Penguin tells Heartless Doll pets (and humans) what's what!

Posted at 3:40 PM Sep 03, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

A few weeks ago, we asked readers to send in their cutest animal photos so that FU Penguin's Matthew Gasteier could give them the what-for--or, as the site's tagline says, "what's what," in the true spirit of hating on cuteness. Gasteier's in the middle of promoting his FU Penguin book, but he took some time to shit all over what a few of you Dolls hold nearest and dearest.

The big winners are Robyn and Sara, who will be receiving copies of the new book because they sent their photos in fastest. So, fuck ya'll.

Here's Robyn's dog, with accompanying FU caption:

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"Is this dog in an MC Escher drawing? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN PHYSICS TO THIS ASSHOLE."

And Sara's cat, Milly:

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"We let cats sleep anywhere, so why do they always decide to pick the craziest places ever? YOU COULD FALL AT ANY MOMENT, CAT. Or could it be... is this cat actually melting into the couch? Stay away from me, Couch Cat, you may be furry and comfortable, but you weird me out."

Reader Lauren, however, sent in a picture of an actual human baby. Mr. FU Penguin was not impressed--but neither was he deterred! Click after the jump to find out what Gasteier had to say to little Caden, pictured here:

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Read more FU Penguin tells... >>

Eff you, would you like to win a great book, you jerk?

Posted at 1:05 PM Aug 20, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

For the past couple of weeks, I have been entertaining friends and this random dude who showed up at my house and had just pretty much decided to own my couch and honestly, would it kill this guy to go to the store and pick up, oh, I don't know, some toilet paper and maybe a replacement for all that sour cream he ate the other night!? with my advance copy of the Fuck You, Penguin book, which contains some greatest hits from the eponymous website, which features "telling cute animals what's what."

For example:

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"This baby gorilla got rejected by its mom, and you can totally see why. In fact, I'm not even sure why I'm featuring this ugly bastard on this blog. I mean, look at this kid. WHO COULD EVER LOVE THAT???!!! When I looked at this picture, I threw up a little bit.

San Francisco Zoo: Don't bother trying to help this miserable loser. Send him to me and I will "take care of him." You don't need to know about what I'll do, just know you'll never have to worry about looking at him again. In fact, send me this, too. And one of these. And anyone else you want to send me really. Trust me: you do not want to fuck with these animals. Leave it up to a professional."

Whereas months ago I was content merely to pimp out FU Penguin on this here blog, now I have become like super BFF's with the FU Penguin folks and have them catering to my every whim. (That's what friendship is, right?)

So here's the deal: e-mail us  photos of your animals, children, what-have-you, and we'll pass them along to the Fuck You, Penguin people, to be returned with certified Fuck You, Penguin captions by Fuck You, Penguin founder Matthew Gastier. This is something you will want to print out, frame and pass on to generations to come. Not only that, the first two submissions will win copies of the new Fuck You, Penguin book, to be released August 25!

The deadline for photo submissions is this Monday, August 24.  So many photos! Contest closed. Meeptimes!

We can has a kitty haiku winner!

Posted at 9:04 AM Jul 16, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

The big winner in yesterday's Housecat Housecall giveaway is New England's own Brian Yurick. I dug his haiku, but it was the inclusion of this sweet photo of his adorable Peanut that made his entry numero uno:

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Peanut, how you cry
We love you old lady cat
The sun shines on you


Strangely, all but one of our entries were from men. I guess the New York Times is right, dudes love their felines. Or no women read this blog. Hrm. Some more of our favorite entries are after the cut:

Read more We can has a kitty... >>

Cat ladies: win season one of 'Housecat Housecall'

Posted at 11:51 AM Jul 15, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

If you read this morning's 10 Signs You're Destined To Become A Cat Lady list and recognized more than a little bit of yourself in it, consider entering our fun feline giveaway: send us an e-mail with a haiku about why you're a cat lady (or cat dude), and our favorite entrant will win a DVD copy of the first season of Animal Planet's Housecat Housecall! (And hey, a photo of you and your furball can't hurt, right?) Deadline's today by 7 p.m. Pacific Time. Oh, hell, just send in your entries tonight. I'll read 'em while hanging out with my cats, downing a bottle of rosé and eating microwavable taquitos.


Friday Giveaway: scrub your Easter sins away!

Posted at 8:29 AM Apr 10, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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It is with much excitement and fervence and pumpedness and gusto that I bring you the first-ever HeartlessDoll Friday Giveaway, wherein we Dolls seek out things that we actually like and enjoy and try and pass them on to you. That is, at least, until some PR flaks start sending us some nutty beauty products, we get overloaded, and are forced to hand them over to our readers.

But for now, I'm happy to say that the winner of this week's giveaway will get this lovely Green Tea Spa Basket from Tootie's Bubbles, a Dallas-based homemade soap company from Master Soapstress Lauren Snead, who dedicates her time to making super-sudsy--and occasionally even beer-flavored!--soap. The Green Tea Spa Basket includes embossed goat's milk green tea and ylang ylang soap, cocoa butter green tea lotion, green tea spa salts, loaded lotus blossom bath bomb and a loofah. Yowza.

How will you win this amazing gift basket? Contest details are after the jump. If you've got a camera and a dream, we bet you can pull this off ...

Read more Friday Giveaway:... >>

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