We're midway through October, my friends, and the sexy, sexy internet is kicking things into high gear, psyching itself up to scare the pants off you by the time Halloween rolls around. On the serious, this week's lady sex internet news is like a plastic pumpkin of poisoned trick-or-treat candy. Or a sackful of rocks. Or a caramel apple with a razor blade hidden in the middle. Or a pillowcase containing 90 percent SweetTarts and one lonely, squished Snickers bar. My point being, it sucks balls. Boo.
A survey from New York's Guttmacher Institute finds "more than half the worldwide [abortion related] deaths (38,000) occur in sub-Saharan Africa, which has the lowest rates of contraception and the highest rates of accidental pregnancies." Dear, Africa -I am getting very, very tired of your bullshit. Please stop killing women with your fear. Best, Kiala
Hormone therapy will probably give you the breast cancer. So we either give in to the aging process and all the crap that goes along with menopause or we get the Cancer. Sound familiar? As in, we either take the birth control pill and get the boob cancer or we use condoms (or what have you), choose not to have kids, and get the uterine cancer. Or we have kids, which to me, is no more preferable than cancer. These are my choices, America? Eff it. I'll just wait this shit out until the year 2023 when I can replace my lady parts with new ones from a privatized medical vending machine.
"Battlestar Babes." MAXIM MAGAZINE PLEASE STOP TAKING AWAY EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR. Caprica Six and Boomer/Athena? You are dead to me*. No resurrection ship for you. SO SAY WE ALL.
* "I would care about this, but I'm too busy having a boner" - actual quote from my actual husband. Sigh.
This week's Fine China is a cornucopia of autumnal delights served to you on a bed of gentle snark and deep, abdominal belly laughter. Or maybe I'm getting the words "cornucopia" and "hodgepodge" mixed up. NO MATTER. A stew of Congressional health care news, lesbian-isms, men's magazine "wisdom" and bad birth control are simmering on the internet stove, awaiting your reading spoon. I apologize now for that metaphor. Please don't flame me.
Health reform is a woman's issue! Still! Female Democrats are stepping up to the plate and pushing the health reform agenda hard, reminding Congress that insurance companies routinely charge women more for health care and, in many states, domestic violence is considered a pre-existing condition. Guess which states. Go on, guess. I'll bet one of them rhymes with Bible Belt. On related note, I don't know what rhyming is.
According to this CNN Health article, lesbians are fat, depressed, alcoholics. To be fair, most Americans are fat, depressed, alcoholics so I suppose this assessment is pretty accurate?
Army of Darkness is a lady boner killer, according to Maxim magazine. Last time I checked, every single female friend of mine could recite at least two lines from this movie so to Maxim magazine, I say, "Klaatu Barada Nikto." There, Maxim, I SAID YOUR WORDS.
Men's Health published an article about Sex Secrets For Her, or some such thing and um ... it's actually pretty spot on. Why, yes, I do prefer to do it when the house is clean and my deadlines are met, and yes, positions do need to have a purpose rather than just fulfill some dude's recent porn fantasy. Congratulations to you, Men's Health, and thank you for paying attention!
Discovery Sexual Health says the pill "might induce women to mate with otherwise less-preferred partners, which might have important consequences for mate choice and reproductive outcomes". Basically, because we are no longer slaves to our non-ovulatory hormones, we will make poor choices for the evolution of our species. Heaven forbid we make our sexual decisions based on our brain pans, rather than the amount of facial hair or pectoral muscles on a dude. That would be awful.
During my late teens and early 20's, I, like most normal college co-eds, would fantasize about a life as David Letterman's personal page/paramour. (IT'S NOT WEIRD, OKAY?) Turns out, my fantasies were not so far-fetched (and once again, NOT WEIRD). David Letterman admitted on his show last night to shtupping many of his female co-workers during his years at NBC. I had no idea, however, that Mr. Letterman was engaged in a committed relationship with Regina Lasko the majority of that time. As his fantasy page/paramour I would have smacked him in the face if he so much as looked at me funny. I got your back, lady.
Moving on to this week's sexy lady health news!
Tufts University enacted a new "No sex while roommate is present" policy which includes a "no sexiling" clause. For those of you who don't know "sexiling" is, it what happens when your roommate needs to do the sex and doesn't want you involved in the doing of it. As the sexilee, you must go elsewhere for that time period (insert 3-minute joke here) or, I guess, whine about it to the student council until they enact a stupid, unenforceable policy.
[Ed. note: Welcome to Fine China, our new weekly feature wherein Kiala Kazebee brings you the weirdest, wonkiest, lady tingling-est sexual health news about your most exquisite parts. Get it, FINE CHINA, GET IT!?]
It's been years since I've felt the urgent and driving need to have intimate relations inside a vehicle but reading this post reminds me why I stopped, for lack of a better term, doin' it. The awkward seating arrangements, the confusing undergarment situation, the messiness, and the excitement/terror of getting caught eventually led to a cease and desist of car sex in my life. Still...I feel a little wistful, nostalgic even, for my car sex days and the me who threw panties to the wind or whatever and intimately related in cars without fear. Then again, I was usually super-drunk. So there's that.
According to US News and World Report, a study from the Guttmacher Institute has found that sexually active women ages 18-39 with low to middle class incomes are having a difficult time affording contraception due to the recession. These same women who can't afford birth control obviously can't afford the cost of having a child (or for that matter, an abortion). For women who aren't lucky enough to live within easy access to a Planned Parenthood, my only advice is, GAH YOU'RE FUCKED. Sorry. No, really, condoms are cheap. Keep them in your purse next to your lip balm please.