Dudes of the world: Menstruation does not make women insane

Posted at 12:00 PM Apr 09, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Dear Dudes of the World,

This may come as a shock to you, so please, take a seat lest I be liable for heads exploded: the women of Planet Earth are not driven to mass levels of insanity just because we bleed for a few days every month due a phenomenon known as "menstruation."

You do not, then, need to spend $1.99 on the iPhone "Code Red" app, which purports to be "a survival guide to her monthly cycle. Period!" The fact that you are alive and able to read this open letter proves my point: you have not been put in mortal danger by 50 percent of the world's population such that you need to "survive" something that does not even fucking happen to you.


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Dudes of the world: Please don't buy me flowers

Posted at 10:50 AM Oct 16, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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Dear Dudes of the World,

Today on CNN (via TheFrisky) some dude argues that dudes should buy ladies flowers. Dudes, do not buy me flowers!

There is, of course, the obvious floral drawback: flowers die, and quickly. Which is not to say that I necessarily want something that lasts a lifetime, but why don't you let me pick out the things I will not own tomorrow? If I wanted something that would last 24 hours, I'd fly down to Cancun and pick me up a pool boy with a limited grasp of English. Giving me flowers is like the Mitch Hedberg joke about flyers: "Here, you throw this away."

More than that, flowers do not say "I thought about you." They say "I thought about you, and then I thought of the most clichéd possible thing I can think of. I would like to give you this cliché as a symbol of the fact that I care minimally." Friend, if you care minimally, please do me the favor of doing nothing.

Finally, flowers are creepy. They feel funny. They attract bees. Why do you want me to get stung by a bee, Flower Boy?

Thx,
Andrea
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