Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 07, 2009
By Kathleen Willcox
Fun fact: type "self help" into Google and you'll get about 70,000,000 results. Why are we so eager to make over our lives, our partners, our pet goats?
Maybe it's the whole "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" thing, though I'm confident our forefathers didn't intend their Declaration to spawn a roughly $8.6 billion self-improvement plague. Learn to hug your inner child, build a yurt or lose 21 Pounds in 21 Days, all for the bargain price of $16.47. It's quicker and cheaper than actually consulting a doctor or shrink.
Is it all a SHAM? No. But in addition to fending off obvious offenders like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, The Game, and The Mystery Method, we're faced with a deluge of patently preposterous offerings from Amazon.com (183,789 and counting), not to mention women's mags and the airwaves. Here then, is our list of the 10 silliest, most nefarious and glaringly superfluous.
10. Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul, by Jack Canfield
ZOMG you guys, can you smell that? The book for Everyone Who Believes in a Dream is finally here! Try not to slurp down the tepid, monosodium glutamate-infused, salmonella-soaked, antibiotic-and-hormone injected concoction in one sitting. Once the Carrie Underwood, Clay Aiken and Sanjaya Malakar sections have ripped out chunks of your soul with the sheer power of their screechy vibratos, leave some for the producers, stylists, judges and yes -- fans.
9. Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart, by Sherry Argov
Yikes, someone sounds bitter. In this how-to guide to becoming one of the evil, materialistic wenches you've always despised, Argov's "77 principles" serve up a Machiavellian M.O. (pretend to be inexperienced in the sack, constantly ask yourself "What's in it for me?," never ever let your vulnerable side show, refuse to move in with him until the Big Fat White Wedding, etc.) that may actually work. If your goal is to marry a spineless loser and walk all over his gelatinous back in spike-heeled Manolo Blahniks until the inevitable divorce, that is. Mazel tov!
Read more "10 "Self-Help" Books..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 06, 2009
By Andrea Grimes
"Yum-O."
It is perhaps the most irritating descriptor to enter the modern vernacular since "That's hot." And so it's only fitting that the term's originator,
Rachael Ray, is perhaps the most irritating television personality to enter the modern media landscape since
Puck of
Real World San Francisco fame. For anyone who's tried to settle into a nice Food Network evening full of Bobby Flay and
Iron Chef and been rudely interrupted by the perky-ditzy squeal of Ms Ray, you'll understand when I say: Rachael is awful. And yet, she should not be banished to the ends of the earth. Oh, no. I believe Ms Ray has given us great gifts, and for these reasons, we shall allow her to remain among us.
10. She gives Oprah something to do.
The Queen of Talk (no, not you, Rachael) has her show on autopilot: interview celebrity, relate celebrity trials to own life, draw conclusions in form of adage for audience, give audience pricey gift. She could do it in her sleep. Having Rachael Ray as a protege gives Oprah something fun to do. Like owning a dog, but it's yippier.
9. She can bend time.
Ray became famous for her
30 Minute Meals schtick, wherein she makes a "yum-o" meal in a half hour, live on television. Anyone who's ever tried to do this at home with one of her
30 Minute Meals cookbooks knows that this is physically impossible unless one has an army of tiny sous-chefs prepping every ingredient. Rachael Ray is like the Dr. Who of the Food Network. Or she would be, if she were
David Tennant and Billie Piper was her sous-chef and people with good taste watched her show.
Read more "10 Reasons We Should..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 05, 2009
By Bonnie Ruberg
Facebook stalking is a delicate art. Anyone who's stared a little too long and a little too closely at a friend's profile has thought to themselves, "Is this weird?" Even if you've got no moral dilemma with reading every intricate detail of someone's online life -- and lots of time on your hands to do it -- there's the issue of not letting on to the person in question just how obsessed you are.
Whether you're following a crush, an ex, or even the new crush of an ex (that bitch!), here are some tips for recognizing you've officially crossed over into Facebook stalker territory -- and from preventing the person you're stalking from figuring that out.
10. You know more about what someone did last night than they do.
Checking out a friend's party photos is an entirely legitimate, non-stalkerly Facebook activity. Checking out those photos the second they're posted, watching the person in question get progressively drunker, and then glaring at the girl in the low-cut shirt falling all over your stalker-ee: that's questionable.
9. You notice when someone's profile pic changes, and you're not even their friend.
Stalking someone you can't friend for social reasons -- your boyfriend's ex, whom you've never met, for example -- can prove challenging even for the most intrepid Facebook user. If that person keeps their profile private, sometimes you have to content yourself and your unhealthy obsession with staring at the tiny profile pic that comes up when you search for their name. Desperate? Yes, but stalkers can't be choosers.
Read more "10 Signs You've..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 30, 2008
By Kathleen Willcox
Pundits and politicians were eager to dub 2008 the "year of the woman," pointing to a surreal election season in which two major parties -- for the first time in our country's history -- almost foisted a woman into the White House. But an examination of the cultural, economic and political scene this year actually reveals an alarming pattern of backsliding.
Bring on 2009. Let's hope it really ends up being, as so many pundits and politicians are touting it to be, the "year of change." For everyone.
8. Meet Aiko, Stepford Wife du jour
When inventor Le Trung started building a robot, he set out to craft a companion that was more human than machine, and he planned to market it to the elderly. Unfortunately, Trung soon abandoned his idealism and let his perverse vision of "the perfect woman" run amok all over a project that could have benefited the elderly, their over-taxed caregivers and society at large. The result: a sophisticated, robot version of the classic blow-up doll.
Dubbed Aiko, it has a passive personality, porno-esque lips, doe eyes and impossibly petite measurements (32-23-33). She's a super housekeeper. She can navigate a map, read newspapers and books aloud, and enjoys being tickled. Bonus: Aiko never needs to rest or eat, so she can work 24 hours a day. Trung plans to tweak her plumbing so that she also will be able to serve her "husband" in other ways. Fake orgasm included.
7. Sex and the City: The Movie
I admit it: I went to see it in the theater and despite the under-the-breath gripes, sighs and eye rolls with which I generously peppered my viewing, I genuinely enjoyed it. And I can't stop hating myself. Because despite Carrie & Co.'s superficial sexual, economic, emotional and intellectual liberation -- feminism's glorious produce in one tidy, diverse bundle of ladies -- the fact is, they clearly need men (and their sexual, economic, emotional and intellectual support) like fish need ... uh, food and water.
And, perhaps more outrageously, as "the girls" attempt to pursue/retain their dream men and ideal life, it becomes increasingly obvious that all any of them really care about is money and/or vise-like control of their men. But Sex and the City continues to draw women in with its joie de vivre, deliriously fun packaging and faux you-go-girl spirit. Really though, those women are walking nightmares: money-grubbing, castrating bitches dressed up as balanced, smart, sane, waxed, botoxed and buffed ladies.
Read more "Top 8 Worst Moments..." >>
Posted at 5:01 AM Dec 29, 2008
By Bonnie Ruberg
New Year's is a time to make promises to yourself about ways to change your life for the better, a time to turn your nasty habits around. It's also a time to decide to do a whole bunch of well-intentioned stuff you'll never actually get around to doing. Here's my list of New Year's resolutions I wish I had the willpower to put into action. Instead I'm working on a new kind of resolution: to be honest about my own laziness. Happy 2009!
5. To get so skinny it'll make 19-year-old porn stars jealous.
Everybody wants to lose weight for the New Year, and I'm no different. At least I've come to terms with the fact that, no matter how many times I get my butt out and about this spring, I am never -- and I mean never -- going to be skinny. Sure, I might get jealous when I see fresh-faced adult performers with their clearly showing ribs, but that won't stop me and my hips from going off and eating a burrito or three.
4. To never, ever order an another greasy pizza.
When times get stressful -- like around the holidays -- finding evenings to cook healthy food can be tough. Well, that's my excuse for the mountain of empty pizza boxes piling up in my kitchen. Every time I eat the stuff I can feel the delivery cheese coming through my pores for days. Never again! Until the next time...
3. To make it to the gym on weekend mornings, regardless of margarita count.
According to the grand Bonnie plan, I'm supposed to hit the treadmill either Saturday or Sunday morning, getting myself up and out of bed with vigor -- or something. It's something I should probably be better about. The fact of the matter is, though, after a night of margarita pitchers at Tortilla Heights, there's no workout that's worth me waking up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. Then, of course, by the time I'm awake, it's noon and by then I feel enough like a sleepy bum to justify skipping out on the gym altogether.
2. To learn how to knit, sail, and do math.
I wish there was more time in life. I really do. But since there's not, there are plenty of hobbies I'd like to have the time/energy to pick up that, honestly, I'm just not gonna. Every craftsy girl knows how to knit, right? Not me. I love water sports, and I live on a bay, so I should take sailing classes, right? Well, sure, I guess. By studying for the GREs, I remembered I actually really like math. I should take a night class at the nearby city college, just for fun, right? Meh, House is on that night of the week. I have more important things to do.
1. To be less judgmental of stupid people.
Apparently I have a low tolerance for telephone operators, ladies who jam their handbags into my side on public buses, and other silly humans who make me recite my mantra: "Hell is other people." I was recently told that, for the New Year's, maybe I should try and lighten up, to not judge others but just to listen and appreciate them for who they are. How stupid is that?
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 29, 2008
By Andrea Grimes
New Year's resolutions always seem kind of sad to me. Not that any excuse to better oneself is bad, but why do we have to make such a big deal about it? We're all bound to break one--or all--of our resolutions, and it's not like most of us didn't have plenty to feel crappy about, already. Which is why I've never made any resolutions, ever. Sure, I've had those vague, drunken end-of-year moments during which I vow to lose 20 lbs or clean up my potty mouth. And the next morning, I'm cursing the hell out of my hangover and loading up a big plate of
food pile. But this year, I'm going to try and manage a few things, for real. I trust you'll all hold me accountable on these five New Year's resolutions I will totally keep.
5. Fit Into My Hot-Ass Jeans with the Torn Thighs that I Haven't Worn For Two Years
This one is a little easier because I've already been hitting the gym somewhat regularly since I splurged for a personal trainer back in the fall. You can only see so many pictures of yourself holding a giant chelada, spilling both a belly and booze over bikini bottoms before you realize that no matter how great your tan is, fat is fat. Bronzed skin and a drinking problem won't help me fit into my favorite, most sexiest jeans--the ones that used to turn heads in SoHo, alas. Fear not, favorite denim. Mama's coming home.
4. Master the Art of Home Cocktailing
I know I just talked about the whole drinking issue, but really, if you're going to imbibe, you may as well make it pleasurable and classy. My obsession with great cocktails started with a vintage copy of the
Playboy Host and Bar Book (hey, it was before I was a real feminist) and has continued through a number of mixology nights chez moi and into a rather bizarre connoisseurship of absinthe. Sidecars, Manhattans and Old-Fashioneds beware: next up, complementary hors d'oeuvres.
3. Become Funny
I started doing stand-up comedy almost two years ago, and I'm still waiting to write a funny joke. I'm pretty sure I have it in me, I just haven't figured out where. Maybe behind my pancreas. (Badumchssh!) What I really need to be doing is less stressing and more writing. At first, doing comedy was invigorating and new, but after a couple of years and hundreds of shows, the shiny shimmery sheen of laugh-making has lost its glow. If I'm going to get funny, I'm going to have to re-motivate. Tips, readers, are welcome.
2. Learn to Really, Really Cook
Somewhere between college and the vast untamed landscape of middle twentysomethinghood, I became fascinated by cooking. It all started with the perfection of a family salsa recipe, and I haven't been able to put down a skillet since. Which doesn't exactly mean I can make anything tasty; I'm just adventurous. Yes, I've mastered pasta that brings men to their knees and an enchilada plate to die for, yet I find myself stumped and awed by the wonders of my favorite foodies on the Food Network. But there's a new food processor in my life and a Tyler Florence cookbook collection that made my Christmas brighter. This year, Iron Chef Andrea competes.
1. Be A Better Feminist
I guess I could probably put "be a feminist, generally speaking" in this category, since I haven't identified with the term for very long at all. Sure, I've long been the kind of equality-minded sassy girl who was happy to see any glass ceiling broken, but as far as getting a real, nuanced understanding of The Patriarchy And All That Business, I'm terribly new to it all. It'll take a lot of reading, writing, talking and activism, and I can't think of a better place to be doing all that than right here on
Heartless Doll.
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 23, 2008
By Andrea Grimes
Here's hoping you don't have the kind of scary, intrusive family members Jennifer wrote about in her hilarious annoying holiday relatives list. Nosy aunts and uncles all want to know when you'll be bringing a nice boy (yes, boy, specifically) home for the holidays and getting around to all the marriage (step one) and babies (step two) and stuff. Not that we all have to be pumped about the marriage and babies part, but having an ally by one's side at holiday functions can be rather nice. Trouble is, where's a girl to find her special friend?
This doll isn't afraid to look online, so I'm happy to sing the praises of finding love on the t00bs. Trouble is, all the jerks you don't want to talk to in bars, at parties and at work are also online, and they are emboldened by the computer veneer separating the two of you. All you've got to go on is a profile and an introductory message. And yet, so much can go wrong so quickly in these two little spaces. Thus, with all the holiday spirit and well-wishes I can muster, I give you, online daters, 10 ways to reduce online creepiness.
10. Mind the age gap
You're a September-October kinda guy, but that doesn't mean you don't dig a nice July day, right? Totally reasonable; everyone loves summer. However, if you're old enough to be her father, perhaps think twice before giving her your online game. Maybe she'd fall for you if you were the hot man-cougar at work or the handsome businessman she often ran into at the coffee shop. But when there's no real-world middle ground between you and Miss July, know that a message from Steppenwolfman62 will probably go straight into the trashcan, followed swiftly by a "block user" click. And for the record, there are no exceptions to this rule. Even for you, ponytail guy.
9. Accidents don't happen
Re: the "accidental" message containing something esoteric--and yet endearingly witty and vague--that gets delivered to the "wrong" Ashley/Andrea/Gertrude. Silly you! You thought you were messaging a woman from the office you found online, but ah! Happenstance! Your message went to another person, but my! isn't! she! lovely! Guess we'll just have to strike up some witty reparté anyway! This premise for starting conversations only works in wacky romantic comedies. In the real online dating world, it looks like you're intentionally trying to court a woman who doesn't mind you thinking she's a brain dead dipshit who can't see through this trick.
Read more "10 Ways Not To Be..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 22, 2008
By Jennifer MathieuAh, the holidaze...get ready, ladies, because your favorite relatives are coming out of the woodwork, and they are going to Drive You Nuts. Here is our list of the 10 most annoying relatives ever...just stay by the eggnog all night, and you should do just fine.
10. The Aunt Who Wants To Know Just When Are You Getting Married?
Be ye single or with partner, no relationship truly counts with this lady if it doesn't come with a diamond engagement ring. When are you getting married? Have I got just the guy for you! Have you tried the Internet? I've heard it's where all the kids are getting together! Never mind that this aunt is trapped in a loveless marriage, she will still claim a drunk louse of a husband is better than no husband at all. Sure, lady.
9. The Cousin Who Wants to Convert You
Have you heard about this great new religion in which everyone wears white and we all give each other new names and sing songs and hold hands? I've got a pamphlet right here in my pocket. You really should come to a service with me while you're in town. It will change your life! Be warned. This relative can take many forms. If he's not pushing his religion, he's pushing Amway or she's pushing Mary Kay or what have you. Stay away!
Read more "10 Annoying Relatives..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 19, 2008
By Bonnie RubergHanukah starts this Sunday, and that can mean only one thing: time for us Jews to revel in the fact that we get eight presents for our gift-giving holiday instead of just one. No, we may not get as many lights, or any eggnog, but we have a week+ of stuff, suckers!
Seriously though, no one actually gets eight awesome presents for Hanukah. Growing up, I'd get gifts like a pair of socks, or a sheet of stickers -- things that wouldn't even make it as stocking stuffers. That's why I've put together the following list: eight things I want this year, one for each night, none of which I'll actually get. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?
8. A puppyWho wouldn't want a puppy for the holidays? No, I don't really have anywhere to keep it. No, I don't actually want to have to take care of it. No, I especially don't want to clean up after it. But for the eight days of Hanukah, I'd be willing to feed it and cuddle it and not let it die. See, this is why I don't have a puppy already.
7. An SLR cameraBeing a journalist with a wimpy little camera kinda sucks. You push your way to the front of interesting events, ready to snap shots of something important or other. Once you're there, however, you look like every other normal person with a tiny camera. Covering sex-related events is particularly bad. If you look like press, then people will pose in their pretty half-nudity, content that they're going to show up on the website of some newspaper. Without the big camera, though, they'll shy away from you, convinced they're going to show up on... well, your computer, where you'll stare at them in the creepy privacy of your own home.
Read more "What I Want for..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 17, 2008
By Andrea Grimes
There were three deaths on Black Friday this year, as shoppers trampled and shot each other in the process of saving some money on new televisions and toys. Happy Holidays! People are batshit! But if Lil' Jennie wants her Wii, Lil' Jennie must have her Wii, right? Right. Abusing our sisters and brothers in search of the season's "It" toy is a fine holiday tradition. We can't bear to see our pretty, pretty princesses do without, and the toy makers know it, churning out frilly, furry and freaky toys each winter. In honor of everyone who's ever had to have whatever people had to have in a given year, I give you the top 10 most ridiculous holiday toy crazes targeted at girls.
10. Wii Fit
If folks expended half the energy they used to obtain a Wii Fit in their daily routines, they wouldn't need the Wii Fit. But it does yoga! And BMI monitoring! And cardio! Yes, those things are all extremely cool, and encouraging folks to get into shape is fantastic. But the Wii Fit still doesn't have the most important feature: a button that will force you to get up off your ass and actually use it.
9. Beanie Babies
Toy crazes may get out of control, but at least some of the time one can understand why a kid would throw a 45-minute temper tantrum in the middle of Target in hopes of taking home the object of her desire. Beanie Babies do not fall into this category. They don't talk, they don't come with dress-up and you can't take them into the bathtub. Beanie Babies were always more about being a status symbol for the parents who could find the "rare" ones than having a super fun, imagination-boosting toy to play with.
Read more "Top 10 Most Ridiculous..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 15, 2008
By Jennifer MathieuAs you fellow television queens no doubt know, the
E! channel is home to such ridiculous countdown shows as "Most Incredible Hollywood Slimdowns" and "Most Shocking Runway Moments" and "Most Unforgettable
SNL Episodes," among other illustrious titles.
What follows is a list of potential countdown shows that -- while they have not yet made their E! debut -- could certainly be considered for the network's lineup. At least in my opinion.
10. The 101 Places Charlie Sheen Has Scored Blow
By the convenience store on Santa Monica in '94. By that bodega on the Lower East Side in '89. This countdown could go on forever because, well, let's face it -- if there was blow, Charlie was probably there.
9. The 101 Places From Which Angelina Jolie Plans to Adopt a Kid
Sure, Madonna made Malawi famous, but we're betting there's a whole mess of countries Angelina knows about that Madge totally missed, and there's a more than likely chance that Angie's in the process of adopting a child from each of these godforsaken places as we speak.
8. The 101 Freakiest Things About Burt Reynolds' Plastic Surgery
Is it the rubbery cheekbones? The fact that his face has the appearance of marzipan? Yes and yes. And there are 99 other freaky things about Burt Reynolds' plastic surgery that we are going to talk about on this show.
Read more "10 Potential Celebrity..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 12, 2008
By Bonnie Ruberg
Yes, it's that time of year again -- the time when snow falls from the sky and you have to do something constructive with it. Plus, with Frosty airing tonight on CBS (check your local listings), what better time to start planning for your very own snowman? Here are some Heartless Doll tips for what to do -- and what not to do -- to the creature you create out of snow:
GOOD IDEAS
5. Give the guy a hat.
It's cold out there. Your snowman deserves some warm clothing. A coat might be a bit much, but with an adorable hat, scarf, and glove combination, you can never go wrong.
4. Use vegetables for facial features.
Everyone knows the old standby of a carrot for a nose, but you can also get creative with baby carrots for eyebrows, cauliflower for ears, or an eggplant for a big old mouth. Now just cross your finger the squirrels won't land on that mouth and eat it.
Read more "10 Best and Worst..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 11, 2008
By Andrea Grimes
I found myself harboring a bizarre, residual interest in the Britney Spears documentary that aired during every free moment MTV had last week. I'd just finished my first semester of graduate school and was enjoying a weekend without the usual 500 pages of academic reading. Between the Sci-Fi channel and "Music" Television, I let my beautiful, newly crafted brain go to mush.
The end of this semester also coincides with the first time in my life that I've been comfortable calling myself a real down-with-the-patriarchy, can-the-Subaltern-speak-for-herself, capital "F" Feminist, thanks to Heartless Doll and the wonderful girls who educated me during my first-ever gender studies course. Considering, one might imagine that the combination of cable television, Judith Butler and Britney Spears was a rather difficult one for this Doll's mushy, mushy brain. How to move feminism forward? Who is feminism for? What is feminism, and what is Britney's excuse for having the world's worst hair extensions? Is there no one with the answers, no one we can look up to? I tried to come up with a list of fictional and non-fictional female and, sometimes, feminist role models who make me happy. I hope they make you happy, too.
10. Lisa Simpson
She's a banana-yellow cartoon with spikes for hair, and she's still one of the most real, compassionate characters on television today or, probably, ever. Lisa's a Buddhist, a goody-two-shoes, a vegetarian, a liberal, a smart-aleck and an environmentalist. I think she reminds a lot of girls of the youthful idealism they harbored before MTV and sex and Cosmo started fighting for their attention. What would Lisa do? The right thing.
9. Romy and Michele
Lest anyone accuse me of only picking out traditionally intelligent women for this list--what with the patriarchy being in charge of our educational system and values and all--I'm happy to nominate fashion-conscious, business-minded Romy and Michele as role models. They're (perhaps overly) confident, shamelessly silly and thoroughly dedicated to each other. Would that everyone could have girlfriends like these two.
Read more "Top 10 Female Role..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 10, 2008
By Bonnie Ruberg
We all do our time in retail. Personally, I spent my senior year of high school slaving away at my local
Build-a-Bear Workshop, "where best friends are made." If you're not familiar with Build-a-Bear, it's a chain store you normally find in fancy malls that lets kids -- or adults -- stuff, dress, and name any number of fluffy animals. The idea is actually pretty cute, except that they're
an evil capitalist empire. Plus they literally made me tell tiny children that their bears "would love them more" if they bought expensive accessories. Sadness.
If there's one thing I took away from my experience in retail though, it's that customers can be real jerks -- especially around the holidays. Tensions are high, malls are crowded, and everyone is full of that specific type of holiday spirit that cries, "I want what I want, and I want it NOW!" Here then are a few tips I picked up at Build-a-Bear, for those who'd prefer not to be total assholes to poor retail employees while doing their holiday shopping. Remember, we've all been there.
10. Don't berate the cashier.For some reason macho male customers who want to prove to their kids that they're über tough like to treat 18-year-olds who take AP calculus as if they can't use a calculator. Don't speak to cashiers as if they're incompetent before they even open their mouths. Just because the customer is always right doesn't mean the person helping you is always wrong.
9. Don't leave your children with strangers.One of the more depressing parts of working at Build-a-Bear was the number of parents who'd treat the store like a babysitting service, leaving children to mess around with products they'd never buy while the adults spent three hours in Gap. At 11 p.m. closing would roll around (extended holiday hours) and we'd have to stand outside the gate, holding some poor child's hand, hoping his mom would remember him before shoving her shopping bags in her SUV and heading home.
Read more "10 Ways to Not Be..." >>
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 09, 2008
By Andrea Grimes
Coffee shops have become our home away from home, dorm away from dorm, office away from office. Who among us has not contributed to this phenomenon? I am as guilty as any, having taken up lodging for hours at a time. And during the course of this coffee house citizenship, I have seen much. Things I have witnessed people doing at coffee shops include: clipping their fingernails (New York City, East Village Starbucks), rounding second base (Austin, Kick Butt Coffee) and making important business decisions for all to hear (London, Oxford Circus Starbucks.)
But, based on absolutely no empirical research and a lot of idle speculation, I'm here to posit that the thing that occurs most frequently in coffee shops is this: assholes reading books. Sure, the asshole might like his or her book but more importantly, the asshole wants you to like his or her book. Or, rather, the asshole wants you to either have never heard of his or her book so that he or she may continue to gloat in superiority while sipping $4 coffee, or the asshole wants you to be the only other (hot, sexy) asshole in the world who knows and loves this book. 'Tis the ubiquitous asshole mating call.
I'm happy to share my research with you today. Please enjoy the rampant self-loathing in "The Top 10 Books Assholes Read At Coffee Shops."
10. Malcolm Gladwell's Blink
I'd have been happy to put any of Gladwell's smug little reportings here, but since it's nearly 2009 and Blink is sooooo kinda four years ago, anyone trying to catch up on this nonfiction wunderkinder at this late date is an asshole but probably not quite the asshole he or she would really like you to believe he or she is. If Blink is about "the power of thinking without thinking," reading it in a coffee shop with an overpriced cup of caffeine and a $7 scone is about "the power of marketing."
9. Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead
For future reference, my dear Objectivist, Atlas Shrugged is about four hundred pages longer than The Fountainhead, so it'll take longer to get through while you're sitting there waiting for Ayn Rand's hot young doppelganger to walk in the door of Individualist Beans or wherever the hell you are. Now get back to your book, Equality 198358.
Read more "Top 10 Books Assholes..." >>
