Posted at 5:00 AM May 05, 2010
By Kiala Kazebee
Ladies, how many hours a day would you all say we spend fretting about our looks? 23? 75? And of those hours, what percentage are we focused primarily on our fatty fatness--real or imaginary? 100 percent? That's what I thought.
I just signed up for a boot camp group fitness outdoors-y class with a group of other writerly women. This is way out of character for me for two reasons. One, I don't like group activities that don't involve alcohol, and two, I don't like the outdoors unless it's a patio with a bar.
So why am I doing this, you ask? Well, I really like these girls, so there's that, but also, a long winter of whiskey-fueled karaoke, stress and moving three times has left me feeling a wee bit bloated, and although I practice Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga regularly, I feel like a major jump start to my metabolism might help my pants feel more comfortable venturing away from my hips and waist on their own ... like grown-up pants.
And yet, I can't help but think about the time it will take me to drive to the boot camp location, exercise, drive back and shower and how much better that time could be spent, say, writing a novel or creating a sculpture made entirely of cat fur and hair bands. And when I look at that time over the past however many years I have been alive and exercising, and then add in all the time I have spent worrying about and convincing myself and hemming and hawing and feeling guilty about not exercising, well, it's kind of totally fucked-up how much time I have devoted to the idea of fitness.
Anyway, here is a list of careers I realized I could have totally excelled at had I not been spending my entire fucking life worried about how my butt looked in jeans. Thank you society. I hate you.
I imagine I would have been able to navigate by the stars, tack to the port side (I just made that up), and keel haul a cabin boy like nobody's business if I wasn't busy trying to hold in my tummy while wearing a bikini top and sailor shorts.
9. Broadway Musical Star
One word. CATS. It's a really tight costume.
Instead of feeling as if I didn't deserve to argue about anything because my muffin top was showing while I sat in my high school desk, I could have concentrated wholeheartedly on the art of debate and the beauty of justice. Plus, I would now be rolling in the dough instead of paying my rent late. Again.
7. Ballet Dancer
One word. THE NUTCRACKER. Or two words. Whatever. Mmmmm...nuts.
6. Computer Software Engineer
When I was a kid, we learned how to code on a big white board in um...FORTRAN, I think. I remember I liked it A LOT. And then I got my period, and I forgot I liked things that boys didn't tell me I liked. Crap.