Ladies of the World, how do you doo?

Posted at 8:00 AM May 06, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

Ladies of the World,

You may not realize this, but Maxim magazine knows you well. Intimately, even. Maxim magazine knows what you like: things that are not in Maxim magazine. What you like to do: posing naked in skimpy lingerie. What you like to have sex with: anything with a swinging dick. And now, how you go to the bathroom when time for Number Two comes around. It's like they're reading our diaries, they understand us ladies so well!

See, girls like frilly puffy rainbows when they're bowelly engaged, and guys like wiping their asses with pinecones in the presence of hardened criminals as long as they're sitting on a germ-infested seat where the entire world can hear their activities.

Maxim even made a graph for us!

Via Jessica at Jezebel, who says this is "relatively accurate" (What? Will you quit jumping the shark, Jezebel?). If you, ladies of the world, like me, read this list and thought, "Uh, no thanks, I'll poo where and when I please if the need strikes, farting be damned," you are similar to the multitude of Jez commenters who were like, "WTF?"

  • Writes 'LutherNipperkin': "Nah. I just need the seat to look clean before I'm willing to sit on it."
  • Writes 'TheFormerJuneBronson': "I have never known a woman to think, "Okay, but let's wait until I get home." An ex of mine was positively neurotic about it. And if we didn't head home immediately after, say, a restaurant meal, he'd "miss his window" and be unable to go at all. What's up with that?"
  • Writes 'MorningGloria': "I won't shit unless first presented with a shiny, sparkly ring containing a stone mined by an exploited African. Every shit begins with K in my house."
Besides, everyone knows the key to a happy public poo is the presence of non-automatic flushing. There is nothing "automatic" about doing your business and wondering if Robot Flushie is going to let it sit and fester there while you finish up.

But many, many Jez commenters did wonder about an actual difference in male and female bathroom habits: why do guys take so long to drop the kids off at the pool? I've asked nearly all my boyfriends over the course of my pseudo-adult life, and I've never gotten a satisfactory answer. Guys and Dolls, can you help us out with this one?



CTrees said:

I suspect that on average, it's just our perception of time that goes very slowly while waiting for someone. Men (at least myself and the ones I've talked to) seem to think women usually take an exceptionally long time in the bathroom, and at least according to you, women think men take a very long time in the loo. Both viewpoints cannot be correct - either one gender generally takes longer for some reason, or (more likely) they're both roughly equivalent, and we just "feel like" people are taking a long time.

Harp364 said:

My hubs claims it's because he's just "reading and relaxing." I'm not sure why anyone would want to read and relax while pewping. I mean, pewp THEN go read on the couch. Makes more sense to me.

Paul said:

As a kid, I used to read and poop at the same time since it was the only way I could get some privacy in the house.

Regarding public restrooms, I only go if my bladders giving me the "no más". I've got a shy bladder and I'm a real stickler about the cleanliness of the toilet.

Krista said:

Hold on! The cover! Hillary Duff is still around?!

As for the bathroom thing, my boyfriend takes FOREVER! Plus, he's picky about the when and where. Me, I don't care, when I need to go, I go.

FrankieB said:

The time when I take my daily grumpy at home is sacred. There is a variety of literature to peruse, I have been known to occasionally take my iPod in with me (I like Satie). My boyfriend thinks it's weird, but I do some of my best thinking in there.

In public? I just shit & split. Everybody poops & I try not to habituate any establishments with scary ladies' loos. The one place I used to go with a nasty bathroom was a block from my place, so I'd just run home if I had to go that bad.

Nicki E. said:

A former bf once told me "it's a religious experience." Whatever that means.

Paco said:

As a guy, I will admit, I have a lot of phobias about #2 in public, so much so that if I ever write my memoirs, it'll be called "A Quiet Place To Take A Shit". I think Freud would theorize that it has something to do with my mom.

Lauren said:

I have to say that my boyfriend once told me that I good shit is like having an 1/8 of a orgasm. So, maybe it isn't religious but spiritual. Ha. He may be right though, since the rectum does do a lot of spasming during the big o.

Nima said:

My husband uses that time to catch up on his news face book and emails on his phone. I think, generally I get thrown out of the room while goes about his business. Maybe he is communing with the Man-Gods and praying for a smooth ride. O_O

If I get desprate at work, I'll use the individual Handicap restroom(We are the only office on the floor, and no one here is handicapped)but will make sure I wipe the toilet down with soap or hand sanitizer first. But i'm germ/mold/mildew paranoid, I use so much bleach to clean my bathroom, I often come very close to choking.

scaryjoann said:

When I was young, my father would read when he went poo. He either took his novel with him, or had a stack of gun and motorcycle magazines next to my moms Readers Digest. As a result, I learned at least 1/4 of my childhood reading skills while sitting on that glorious ceramic bowl.
My sister however, sang.
To each their own.

VictorianModesty said:

Uh....I am a very regular person, so my daily BM is fairly fast and easy. A restroom doesn't need to be squeaky clean for me to use it, but I draw the line at using a stall that has either menstrual fluid, urine or fecal matter on the floor or walls; I WISH I was joking about that. People are nasty.

As for the difference between my significant other and myself, it may depend upon the amount of 'contact' time men and women are used to. For example, if a lady needs to use the restroom, regardless of the 'movement', she will need to sit. Some wipe off the seat, others lay the toilet paper ring or seat cover, some hover above. But most ladies have come in contact with a foreign seat, multiple times in their lives. Guys only have to sit for one. So, they experience 50% less seat exposure than ladies. Quite a few men I have spoken to say they refuse to use a public restroom if they have to sit down, and will wait until they get home. Maybe this means, the Gentlemen get backed up, and thus take a longer time. Or, if we assume the 'average man' (out of how many samples?) eats a diet heavy with meats and processed foods, he may take a longer time at the porcelain goddess than his 'average' feminine lady counterpart, assuming that 'average lady' eats a diet heavy with veggies, fruits and oh-so-diety products. Ha.

Andrea said:

I just love that a pooping post garnered so much input.

Shannon said:

Oh to pick a day to talk about pooping. I refuse to poop in public restrooms, not for any cleanliness reasons, but simply because ever since I was a babe my body has decided that it will produce massive pipe-clogging poops and I don't want to force that experience on anyone else. And during that oh-so-lovely time of the month its even worse. I also live with 2 guys at the moment, and I am 100% certain that I spend more time at the toilet than both of them combined. I even have a special book which I dub "the bathroom book" (i'm so creative) to be read during this time period.

Sara said:

Well after reading this, I'm ashamed to admit that the chart IS accurate for me. I can't have a BM at all if there is anyone else in the room (unless it's a "I'm going to shit my pants"-level emergency). Even then, it has to be fairly clean. I've never known a guy to admit to having the same issues- maybe most women are just more willing to present an image that doesn't include going wherever the mood strikes.

menefee insurance said:

I'm glad you said that :)


Offshore SEO said:

I do not know why someone would want to read and relax pewping. I mean, pewp you read on the couch. More sense to me.

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