Posted at 5:00 AM Apr 19, 2010
By Susan Quesal
As the end of the school year approaches, many of our high school readers (did we ever figure out if anyone who reads this blog is actually in high school? Where you at, class of 2010? Holla back) are preparing to venture off to college next semester, and if they are anything like I was in high school, their thoughts have already turned to the vast social and educational world that is about to open up to them. It's super-exciting, y'all. Those of us who've been there and now have to exist either in the real world or the world of graduate/professional school miss it like you wouldn't believe. Never again will your amount of free time be so high and the expectations placed upon you be so low. Take advantage of this time, future college students: learn some things about drinking.
10) Treat a night of drunken debauchery like an athletic event
Sure, a night of drunken debauchery is a good time, but it also takes a toll on your body. Hydrate, before, during and after. Also, make sure to carbo-load. I remember celebrating a new job once in college by eating a giant Italian dinner and then going out for a night of carousing. The next morning, I woke up feeling like a million bucks. The lesson of the night: fill your belly with breadstuffs before you drink! You won't get as drunk (good) and you won't feel as bad the next day (even better).
9) Try to drink good booze if you can find it
Should you find yourself at a house party with a keg and BYO liquor, be sure to survey the bar before resigning yourself to the Natty Light or Lone Star or Beer 30 (yes, that's a real thing) that's in the yard. Did someone bring a bottle of something sort of decent? Maybe a Jack Daniels? Or a decent vodka? Take a healthy glass of that good booze and make it last the night. You'll thank yourself the next day.
8) Anything--and I mean anything--can be turned into a drinking game
There are all the classics that you should learn while you're studying the art of drinking--Asshole, Beer Pong, Flippy Cup, Quarters. But remember that if the company is lame and you don't have access to the accoutrement needed to play a traditional game, you can make something up. My friend Nicole used to play a game called "I'll Drink To That," which involved her taking a drink anytime someone said anything she vaguely agreed with, immediately after her saying aloud, "I'll drink to that." It doesn't have to be complicated, people. It just has to distract you from the fact that you don't have real friends yet.
7) Beer before liquor, liquor before beer--what the fuck ever, just stick to one thing and you'll feel better in the morning
I was taught, "Beer before liquor, never been sicker, liquor before beer, you're in the clear." My friend Annette was taught the exact opposite. What did personal experience teach me? No matter what the order, mixing booze and beer or mixing types of liquors or mixing really anything really is probably going to leave you feeling pretty crappy the next day. Which leads me to number 6...
6) Do not mix wine colors
I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. DON'T DO IT. I don't know the science behind it, but I do know that when my old friend Kiki didn't listen to this advice in college, she crawled across the floor on hands and knees to tell me a "secret" which she then forgot and spent the next few hours laying on the floor of our friend's bathroom. In fact, come to think of it, the majority of the puke-y nights I've been present for involved the mixing of wine colors. So FOR REAL, if you listen to nothing else I've said, SERIOUSLY don't mix your wine colors.