I'm sure other objects are titallating, just to certain people. Because I'm pretty sure Rule 34 applies to fetishes too.

Also, freakin' fan art. I'm pretty positive Selvaria's breasts weren't that massive during Valkyria Chronicles.

There is actually a point to sex. It's not just a lifestyle option. 18,000 years of human evolution is pointing directly at you. And your breasts.

The counterpoint list, of reasons boobs are awesome:
1. They're boobs!
2. They're boobs!
3. They're boobs!
4. They're boobs!
5. They're boobs!
6. They're boobs!
7. They're boobs!
8. They're boobs!
9. They're boobs!
10. They're boobs!

I believe you will find that your argument is invalid.

(yes I'm a guy - how'd you guess?)

That this list comes out on April 1 just reinforces what I've always believed - boobies of any size are awesome.

Well, I can't say I sympathize. I am a B-cup at my bloatiest and while I don't want a C cup badly enough to get plastic surgery, I remember the embarassment of 6th grade gym class, undressing in the locker room and seeing all the pretty little bras around me while I still looked like a boy. Small-chested girls have the same trouble with strapless tops, since we don't have much to hold them up we are worried about reaching our arms up and giving out a free show.

Why boobs? According to Desmond Morris, British zoologist and ethologist, men like breasts because when we evolved past roaming around bent over (when our asses were prominent and attractive for mounting), our asses were no longer prominent. So, women developed breasts that were always "out" even when not lactating because they are in a more prominent position and mimic the look of the ass--inviting men to mount us. This theory has made more sense to me than anything Freud ever had to say about mothers.

Yeah, plus when I was a kid some of the older girls mocked me and made me feel like complete crap. I mean boob-god wasn't that friendly to me, but boob-god wasn't friendly like at all to those girls, so haha? But I hate that everything does look pretty slutty, I have like 30 scarves just to cover the boobs...because sometimes they just shouldn't be right on display..

What about back problems?

Please...don't let Heidi Montag ruin a great thing.

And no matter how huge or cascading her tits are, Christina Hendricks is a classy lady.

I was the first to start developing in school -- and the last to stop. Luckily, I have the shoulders of an Olympic swimmer so I don't have back problems.

I have two additions to the not-awesome list:
*Having to wear TWO bras to the gym so I don't bruise. And STILL bouncing enough to distract passing joggers.
*Good gravy, do they get in the way! I'm not a small lass with dainty limbs, but once you account for my boobs sticking out to my elbows, I have the arm reach of a Tyranasaurus Rex.

.....And don't get me started on men & sex & the gravitational pull they exert.

@Jason Knize I LOVE ME SOME Christina Hendricks. For serious. It's the hand-wringing fools who get all excitable when she dresses sexy that I have some words for.

@RubyRoses - I ALSO possess a million scarves! But I do love them. I pretend I am French when wearing one.

I am totally guilty of wearing those little bralette things from Forever 21 that look like a less constrictive sports bra.

They push my boobs down a bit so I feel less fat. Or something. WTF SOCIETY?

*Good gravy, do they get in the way! I'm not a small lass with dainty limbs, but once you account for my boobs sticking out to my elbows, I have the arm reach of a Tyranasaurus Rex.

In college, I took a golf class and I could NEVER get my arms positioned correctly because of my frontal fullness.

When you realize that boobs are just highly specialized sweat glands the magic goes away.

Amen, sister. I too developed early, and I felt a bit like a hunted animal. Suddenly, grown men were leering at me, hovering over me, eyes fixed on my chest, and I was like ... uh, so you *don't* want to buy Girl Scout cookies? Hello? Up here?

Creepers.

And the clothes thing. Agreed. Thanks to shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Girls Next Door, there's a whole generation of girls who think it would be just fine to become cartoonishly enhanced. Don't do it! You will never look so good in clothes again.

Sure, sometimes having big boobs are a pain, but most of the reasons you've listed either a) refer to how other people will view and judge you or b) actually put down large breasts as an undesirable social attribute for women. You could just as easily make a list about small boobs...and then you'd have succeeded in putting EVERY woman in a no-win situation!

Other than surgery, you can't choose your breast size. Some women were born with large breasts and some with small ones. So why do we need to spend time on the pretty anti-feminist cause of pointing out how our bodies constrict our desired social appearances? We all know media perceptions of women are f*cked up...do we really need to help promote them by augmenting our behavior and body-images to meet their comfort levels? Or agreeing that certain women's choices of fashion/surgery are comical or "slutty"?

I'm surprised to find this column on Heartless Doll.

@Anonimo Magnifica - Hey friend. You are heard.

It's true, before surgery, you can't choose your breast size.

It's also true that many of the reasons I've listed here indeed refer to how people will view me.

I am curious, though, to get your thoughts on this point: the fact that this list could be a critique of the very culture/media you (rightly) indict.

Thoughts?

two words: back problems.

i know it's been mentioned, but i know this one all too well. at the risk of sounding crude, i've at an F-cup and jesus hell is it awful. girls tell me how they wish they were naturally well-endowed like i am, but they don't know i spend roughly 80% of my waking life in pain due to them. and no, reduction isn't really an option for me because of health problems and financial difficulties.

i do have to say, though, that i like my figure, aesthetics-wise. i look very womanly--edging into the matronly, yes, but that doesn't bother me much as i've got hardcore maternal instincts anyway and it does seem to suit me. i'd just like to stop hearing how lucky i am to have giant tits, thankee kindly. i hurt all the time and it's impossible to find clothing that fits properly. it's really more irksome than anything else.

It could be a critique, but if it is, it's far too thinly veiled. It seems to me to be more about what kind of bodies are ideal and which ones aren't - and the reasons are all appearance-based and are bordering on body-shaming.

If it's a critique on culture or the media, then why is it titled "Top 10 Reasons Huge Boobs Are Not Awesome"? It could have been a great critique if it was called "Top 10 Reasons My Huge Boobs Are None of Your Business" (and obviously, if the content was edited). Additionally, if it's a critique of breast obsession, why use negative cultural images to prove your points?

I think this list only hurts the feminist cause of promoting healthy, happy, and VARIED body images. We can complain about our bodies if we want to, but saying some part of us is just "not awesome" because we don't fit into the right clothes or social standards of beauty is something totally different.

As a fellow big busted gal I can agree and empathize with all of the above points. I'm a 36DDD and have had boobs since about the second grade which led to horrible teasing until jr. high when I was suddenly quite popular with all the boys. I played sports and I would always have to wear my bra plus two sports bras to prevent the playing field from looking like the opening sequence from Baywatch. I would also have to add to the above list the fact that unless I want to spend a ton of money to order bras from specialty retailers all the bras in my size look like something my grandmother would wear- so not sexy. I also hate having to either by dresses either in a stretchy fabric or get it several sizes too big (to fit my bust) and then having to spend more money to get it tailored to fit my waist. The point about everything we wear looking slutty or matronly hits pretty close to home for me too, without necessarily meaning to my mom caused some major emotional damage by calling me a slut growing up because everything I wore showed off how big my boobs were. It was because of that that I hid under sweaters, sweatshirts and layers for years which made me look heavier and older than I was. I've always been self conscious of my body, I've never worn a bikini in my life. I've had to have back surgery twice now (I'm currently recovering from spinal fusion) and I definitely think that the added weight of my boobs have caused pain and strain on my back and am seriously thinking about breast reduction surgery. I love Christina Hendricks though, I love that someone with my body type is on tv and considered sexy. Anyways sorry for rambling, this is kind of a sensitive subject for me lol.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This is a perfect example of body shaming for women who have large breasts (32DD here). Women are not perfect at any size--which is why we need more celebration of woman of all sizes. I love Christina Hendrix, but why is she the only large-breasted role model we can mention? I think we need more top heavy women on TV who do not use their breasts solely to entertain men.

@Anonimo Magnifica - No snark at all, your points are well taken.

Thank you (and you too, @asp009) for chiming in.

1 reason big boobs are awesome: Christina Hendricks

I am 5'1 and a natural 38F. Boobs are not awesome. Im too thin to wear plus size clothes, and too "chesty" to wear misses sizes. If I ever get pregnant, I wont be able to walk due to the weight of a belly and boobs!

Big boobs are better for mens.

I died inside reading this. Boobs are the only thing that keep my married, happy or alive.

@Roses,

Pics or you a liar.

of course big boobs would suck for women.. for all the reasons given, but that's purely from a female perspective. guys are hardwired to appreciate opulence in that area; however the appreciation(or sometimes downright leering) probably doesn't compensate enough for the troubles they beget.. me, i prefer smaller ones. dunno why, but as a guy i never really got the whole big boob craze.

nice boobs are a sign of a healthy woman with good genes that can provide for their children. That is why it is ingrained in all men to be obsessed with boobs and not calves or elbows. What a dumb bitch.

This is simple; large breasts (in the natural sense) mean higher estrogen levels. Higher estrogen levels mean better fertility. And evolutionarily speaking, we are all programmed to find a mate with the highest fertility.

You forgot spendin $180 on one bra because you require engineering-by-boeing to keep them looking like saggy old lady boobs.

@Roses
I see your 38 F and raise you a 34 H. (And yes, they're natural)

I can so relate to everything in this article.
Clothes do look slutty or matronly, there is little in between once you cross into DD cups.
You must mix and match top and bottom sizes. You will not find anything that fits both in the same size.
Your back will hurt unless you slouch.
Unless you get it made for you, you look like Pamela Anderson in ANY bathing-suit, could be your Grandmas, it doesn't matter.
Specialty bras with a professional bra fitter become a must. (Props to Fantasie of England, Elomi and Freya for some kick ass sexy F/G cups in COLORS ppl, COLORS!!)
Worst of all, once you cross 25, They.Will.Droop. and if you lose weight, They.Will.Deflate.
My Mom also damaged my self-confidence and made me hate my body because of her issues with my breasts. When you're 13 and have DD's it doesn't take much to do that to someone who's already having issues with her body changing. It's only in my 30's that I am learning to love my body and dress to suit my figure instead of layering and camoflaging the fact that I have any breasts at all.
Hear's to dealing and looking fabulous doing it !!

I know they can be a hassle, but I could easily give 10 (or more) reasons why having large breasts IS awesome. A lot of the reasons in the list seem weak, and some aren't even right.

Oh well, people who think they are so horrible can always get a reduction. I'll keep mine though.

To the writer of the article....it matters not that you, a woman, do not find boobs to be awesome. The awesomeness of boobs is not for you to decide. Boobs feed our offspring, are a cheap alternative to those stress relieving squeezeballs, an excellent masturbatory aid, flotation device, etc...its uses and benefits are endless.

I'm sorry but I have huge Double D knockers and I love every minute of them. I can dress without looking slutty or matronly. This is all in your head...get over it and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about your boobs.

lol @ Erin
Double D's are the A cups of large breasts.

@Elle,

Will you marry me?

I have to agree with Erin. All the problems stated are one's rooted in your consciousness and have nothing to do with the boobs themselves. The only legitimate downsides I can think of are back problems and the difficulty of doing athletic activities, those alone are way more of a reason that big boobs are not awesome than anything you wrote. I expected reasons why big boobs suck, not reasons caused by your mental paradigms.

Really, there's downsides to everything. All the women with small boobs/ no boobs want huge boobs, and all the women with huge boobs want smaller boobs, because 'the grass is always greener...' right? Yeah, fashion and physical activity can be real pains with big boobs, but often the benefits outweigh the detractors. Beauty can sometimes be a curse as all women rightly know, because you attract way more losers with big boobs, but think of it this way- the quality guys among us are interested and checking them out too!

Oh, @Gill Avila: No, we men will not 'lose the magic' when we find out boobs are just specialised sweat glands, its something I don't have, or see everyday. They're something that works on a rudimentary level in the most primitive parts of my brain. They symbolise life, health, fertility, wars are fought over them and empires lost because of them. Boobs are powerful, despite all the maintenance attached. (And they're soft, fun, and flirty too!)

Besides, I know lots of girls with big butts who say the same thing about not fitting into clothes, and although not the same thing, there's gripes all around from every camp. Just be lucky that you have what society believes is sexy right now, because in a few decades, boobs may not be the 'in' thing.

And @Tolly: Covering up your shapely calves for the titilation of men will yield nary a peep from me, because I can look at my own guy calves every day, with little difference to your'n. As stated above, I have calves. What I don't have are boobs (or at least moobs so I can compare or imagine), a big shapely butt (my butt is tiny), or any other womanly part that gets my crank turning (or generalising to the population at large, heterosexual men's cranks).

What I really want to know about 'why big boobs suck' is: why can't I ever meet a girl who has big boobs and is still a good person (IE normal)? Every single girl with huge boobs is either brainless (in my experience, some don't even TRY to be smart, because they know they get an easy ride through life on their chesticles), or (if they are smart, because not all women with big boobs have this sense of entitlement) they just don't want to get involved with one guy, they just want to actually BE slutty (not just dress up slutty- yes there is a difference).
^^Honest question. I'd say 90% of big breasted women I know are like this from my experience, and I live in a major city. What I want to know is, how do women feel about this? Is that why smaller-breasted women give big boobs cut-eye? Am I alone in this? Do big boobs cause women to become jerks?

Not that it helps much, but our boob fixation is purely cultural. Other cultures have focused on long necks, large asses, small feet and so forth. The amazing thing to me is that something so arbitrary should have such a strong grip. I'm totally boob-fixated myself.

Hey guys, I have read all of your comments and am taking them to heart. (A heart lodged underneath an abundant bosom!)

I've gotta say, on the "don't worry so much what you look like" comments, that's a totally valid point. @Kiala, your "WTF SOCIETY?" sums it up best. We ladies - no matter our boob size - DO have a choice whether or not to buy into damaging stereotypes of what the optimal female form should look like. Call it the male gaze. Call it an f-d up cultural paradigm. Call it, "why can't we be dolphins? Dolphins don't worry about boobs. Harumph."

As a lady you're constantly having to remind yourself that you do have a choice. At least I am. To all of the folks that suggested that the 'choice' part be a bigger part of this piece, I agree with you.

But now you have some insight into the way my brain works! And that as a lady and a feminist, I am (and I suspect other women are) clearly still grappling with this one. We -- humans, not just ladies -- wanna look good. But we're mad at society for defining "good." And the latter is the best thing about this comment debate: that we can take apart "good" and redefine it.

SO, I hear you guys on the looks-based points. Loud and clear.

Finally, @Jordan - your logic not only makes sense, it made me laugh. :) But seriously. You should see my calves. You might retract your statement.

I can understand where some of those neg. imputs come from on big boobs, but as a whole big boobs are such a turn on, any man will look at you with big boobs, as someone else said "because they're boobs"
We want what we dont have, I dont need to look at a womans eyes, I have eyes.

They forgot to mention how painful it is. Not good for the back.

Great post, Tolly. Glad someone AWESOME out there shares my pain. Being one with a 32" ribcage and a not-so-small bust, buying bras is a freaking nightmare. Not even VS carries my size. Reason #11 why huge boobs are not awesome = I can't even wear a size that fits me! WTF SOCIETY

34L; Seriously, no joke!
Was a 34H before baby number 2 came along. Yes I can breast-feed, no problem, but finding any bra? No chance! I was even told in one shop that no woman had boobs as big as mine, yet there I was, standing in front of the assistant with these bastards on display! lol.
It's the inconvenience of not being able to contain/ cover them that pisses me off most; I'm now learning to sew! SIGH!

You've all made me giggle though, so thanks for that!

I think women with large breasts and men should just stop replying to these posts. Its not fair to us small chested women to hear from men who say they "appreciate big breasts" you don't appreciate them if you go out on a date with a small chested girl and look at someone else with big ones instead. That is not respect, that is not truth. I myself also hate having small breasts. I have a great ass but apparently it doesn't go with what I am lacking for in the mammary gland area. I am tired of learning about feminist ideals and being burdened by American conditioning. I envy women with large breasts, you may have back pain but I have emotional pain that comes with the scars of abuse I have suffered from men because I was lacking in some way. I've moved from one assholes to another and it almost seems like they are all the same. If all guys like big boobs then id rather just be alone than deal with them. I've considered implants but I would consider it a blow to the hard work women over the ages have done to get us the freedom we actually have now. I want a man who doesn't like big boobs, I want a guy who thinks I AM THE IDEAL TO HIM. I dont want to have to worry about the what ifs. There are too many of them. Girl I hear ya. I hope you can find your peace because I still can't find mine. It's not easy to live in a society where big breasts mean a higher pay check and more attention from men. It's not the best attention but if you don't get squat and you see all your big bossmed friends get it then it can be nerve racking. Guys, if you like big boobs keep your hands off the keyboard. you are just blowing our self esteems out the water. its not just what we think about ourselves its what we have to put up with in society and that is just something that hurts our ability to be able to be truly confident. you can't have self acceptance without experiencing your worth in someone elses eyes. Women who are blessed to be endowed. You have no idea what we small breasted women have to go through. You may have it rough but so do we. Please keep that in mind when replying to these posts. We don't care about the cons, those can be assumed. what we care about is no matter how much pain you're in you're still going to be getting attention and we're not. i can't wait to find a guy who actually sees me for who and what I am and loves that I don't have large breasts as a non-pregnant woman. I crave for a man to be excited to have me and see my body as it is now in addition to any transition I may have in becoming a mother and then an older woman. I want someone to want to see my body do what it is supposed to do, live, thrive and stand up to the elements the way the cosmos intended. I hope I find that, if I don't who knows maybe I'll end up paying some white man to put water in my chest. But it will ultimatly be to please me and tease. No man will ever see them and no man will ever know, because if i get a boob job no man will ever be worthy enough to see them.

I'd like to point out that the woman in #3 actually broke up with her boyfriend because he didn't want her to get any bigger. After leaving him, she went and got the boob job she wanted.

I am more than happy to pay for custom bras for my wife. Her breasts are large, with dark, pronounced nipples. They are most beautiful. She has an advanced I.Q. as well. I like 'em both.

frustrated...damn, child...are YOU worthy?

Elija

Tolly, you must have no boobs and prob grew up either being made fun of for your small boobs or jealous of all the girls that had boobs. Go get a reasonable boob job so you can get some sort of self-esteem and quite bitching about other girls decisions to do the same. Good luck!

elijah,

ur post was good until you decided to put someone else down. of course frustrated is worthy of being loved for who she is. we all are.

I as a guy could care less about a girls bust I love eyes. But if I had to pick I would prefer a girl with b to c rang ds often look nasty and vainy. Hell my favorite actress is Milla Jovovich see has beautifull eyes but she's married so there goes that idea nothing against large breasted girls.

*she. To all women who think themselves ugly I have one thing to tell you stop worrying and start working on a personality because no mater what u look like someone out there will be attracted to u but lower your standards cuz it isn't going to be braid pitt or someone like that. If your dating nothing but assholes then maybe u need to meet guys elsewheres don't pick up a guy at a bar 9 out of 10 times he'll be an asshole.

@frustrated (actually this whole post is)

Remember, plusses and minuses to everything. I've seen comments (by guys) disparaging larger bust sizes as well as those disparaging smaller bust sizes. That's a self-esteem crusher too.

I'm sure being small-chested has its downsides too but there are a lot of upsides and when it comes down to it, its all about confidence and acceptance of yourself. If you (as a woman in general) feel complete and happy as a person, breast size as well as other physical traits, good or bad, become less important.

Because you seem frustrated (haha), I would try to "accept the things you can't change and change the things you can." The former would be cultural (or evolutionary) opinion of breasts. The latter would be one's attitude to the situation. Changing your attitude about things opens new doors- including ones leading to romance.

And about going on a date where guys look (but not leer) at other girls?
Hell, everyone appreciates eye candy, including women. Think of the movies you and a best girlfriend ooh and ahh over because Channing Tatum (or someone else) is in it.

It may seem like large breasts magically mean guys pay attention- but that only happens if "the girls" are literally overflowing and are barely covered. Male attention is mostly about body language, flirting, and perceived availability. Dressing to fit your figure is also important- be that a figure with an A cup, a D cup, or larger.

Personally, I'm a 36D but to me it just feels average. And some consider that big, but to me its just kinda in the middle (and smallish when reading comments to articles like this!!)

Michael, that was a very good post and you managed to give your opinion without giving insult. Personality wins always, male or female. And some very good points about not picking up guys in bars.

Why boobs? easy, because male brain associates big boobs = fertile women. we (males) can't do anything about it! it's natural, it's a primal urge

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