Posted at 5:00 AM Apr 01, 2010
By Tolly Moseley
When I was about 11 years old, I had a very awkward, very public conversation with my 6th grade math teacher about my breasts. Ms. Greenburg picked up a note mid-pass--cringe--in which I had told a friend in no uncertain terms: "I AM GETTING A BRA ON SATURDAY." Mrs. Greenburg looked at the note, looked at me, and said tiredly, "Well have fun. A girl like you will have to go often."
What I didn't understand then, but that I do understand now, is that Mrs. Greenburg could see I was an early-developing kinda gal. And that indeed, I would have to go often. This I resented enormously. It's not that I was a tomboy, light years from it, but my boobs continued to outgrow the bras I bought for them with astonishing speed, like unrelenting, alien beings that were attached to my chest.
Now I know what you're thinking: "Awesome!" NO, not awesome, in fact having big boobs is pretty much the opposite of awesome.
When you have big boobs, you have to consider them first when getting dressed. Otherwise you'll throw everything out of proportion. Also, they can very quickly make you look ridiculous. Whenever I try on bras from Victoria's Secret--deliberately designed to make your girls look as hilariously large as possible--it appears as though two bald men have climbed up inside my shirt. Hello, gentlemen! Oh wait...those are my breasts, stuffed up to my neck.
Here are 10 more reasons why huge boobs are deceptively not cool.
10. Because whatever you wear looks kinda slutty.
Christina Hendricks, one my of my favorite women on television, has this problem. Whenever there is an awards show, and she gets all glitzy, internet commenters invariably call her out for getting tarted up. "HER BREASTS ARE OBSCENE!" gentle readers will cry. People, it's called dressing to your figure, not being a wanton slut. Women with big boobs know that v-necks and well-defined waists are their friends, and that is why we stock our closet appropriately.
9. ...Or, matronly.
You know those tent dresses that became so popular last season? Yeah, we boobish types aren't wearing them. That is because we'll literally make it look like a tent. Or, a teepee. If we wear anything too loose, it becomes an ever-enlargening triangle at the bust area, turning the "tent dress" into a Boca Raton mumu.
8. Because bikinis make you look like a cartoon.
Think Jessica Rabbit. Bikinis are specifically engineered to make our lady parts go up and out. On some, the results can be frightening.
7. Because you can't wear high-necked things unless you want your top half to look like a square.
Oh, frilly necked tops! How I gaze upon you with desire! And then, spit on you in the dressing room because you always make me look unforgivingly terrible. How can something so gauzy and delicate be transformed into something so geometric and wrong? WHY ANTHROPOLOGIE, WHY?
6. Because boob-related nicknames are sort of horrendous.
Now that I think about it, even "boob" is bad. "BOOB!" What? What does it mean? Webster's says "a stupid, awkward person." My, how flattering. See also: jugs, fun bags, grillwork (?), and more descriptive terms here.