Ladies of the world, can you forget how to have sex?

Posted at 2:30 PM Apr 28, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

Ladies of the World,

Here I sit, gazing out the window of my Upper Central West-ish Austin Apartment, wearing a jungle-print romper, sipping an ice-cold Bloody Mary. My hair is wild and blonde and curly, and I fancy myself a bit of a Texan Carrie Bradshaw today. I am thinking thoughtful thoughts about love and fashion, as I am wont to do, but there is something else pressing on my mind. What does a lady do when her dance card, as it were, has been empty for some time? Especially if the single gal in question is not particularly excited about screwing the first (or second, or third, or fourth) cute boy who comes by, in the interest of valuing quality over quantity, but seriously, stock is low at the moment? Does she lose her touch after a period of time?

I couldn't help but wonder: is riding a dick like riding a bike?

One presumes that people, throughout time and history, have been figuring out how to have sex without much prior instruction, so surely it can't be too serious if you at least knew how to screw at one time, but have taken a coitus hiatus. One presumes that one sees the apparatus in front of one, and one remembers, "Ah, yes! This is where I put my tongue/finger/hedgehog! It's all coming back to me now!"

Ladies of the world, I ask you: what's the longest you ever went without getting some tail--and did it affect your performance?



Beej said:

I went 9 months once. and recently 6 months. Strangely, both of those slumps were busted by the same, bad lover. He is my official Slumpbuster I guess.

Um I recently went down on a guy for the first time in 6 months, and that seemed to go ok so that's like riding a bike. My issue is, in general, it's hard to tell cause the first time you do somone is always awkward, no matter how long you've gone without, so it's hard to tell if the lack of skills is cause you're out of practice or if you both are just a little uncomfortable.

Anonymous said:

In my late teens/early twenties I actually had a three year slump. Mostly it was because I had had a baby and just wasn't getting out to meet anyone, but it was rough. I had no problem remembering what to do once my dry spot ended.

Now I have been dry for 2 1/2 years since my divorce, and am DYING to get back into the saddle so to speak, but am having a hard time finding anyone interesting who is interested in me.

Nan said:

I once went 2-and-a-half years. The first 6 months were fine. The second six months were unbearable. Then I reached some kind of zen-like state with the whole thing for about six more months, and then I was pretty much completely depressed and self-loathing for the last year. But, much like an alcoholic who gives up drinking only to start again after a few years, I found that I picked up right where I left off when I started having sex again. It was as if those 2 years had never happened. So that's good.

Anonymous said:

For me, it wasn't a matter of forgetting the basics for the one-time slumpbuster. It was a matter of forgetting the subtleties of being good in bed.

That came back after, I don't know, two or three weeks of screwing the same person?

But, maybe that's just how long it takes to get up to speed with anyone.

Lauren said:

I have to say that I went quite a while without riding a bike, and it took me a few rides to get my balance back the last time I tried to go for a joyride, but then I was golden once again. I find the same things usually happens when I am testing out a new bicycle as well.

Kat said:

I think the level of awkwardness has a lot more to do with who your partner is and how you're feeling than just having a skill set. Which is to say that riding a dick is only like riding a bike if each time you hop on a bicycle it's a different bicycle and you have to get used to the frame and the squeaky gears or whatever. Ya feel me??

Not Guilty said:

I am currently in a significant slump. Last time I had rode was the last spring the Toronto Maple Leafs were in the playoffs. Look it up if you are really curious. I was with somebody a couple months ago and there were some serious difficulties, which I attribute to my slump. But it was kinda one shot deal, so I still have yet to remedy the problem, which of course contributes to my nervousness and doesn't help. So ya, not quite like riding a bike I'd say... I haven't ridden an actual bike in a long while and I don't miss it as much as I miss "riding a bike".

sid said:

I recently came off a year and two month hiatus after a bad breakup. That first time was awkward in the stamina department. I actually told him I had to stop, it wasn't working for me anymore. I was just done. I realized after that I needed to explore again what really worked for me, and lucky the same guy has been very obliging.

Amanda said:

Um... the longest I've gone, since I was really active at least, is a month.
Don't hate! Because prior to that, it was about a year of once a month, perfunctory, and awful.
And yes, I did forget, to some extent, what it was like and what I was supposed to do. It didn't take long to learn again, especially since I had a good partner who wasn't judgemental, but it did throw me for a loop for awhile.

© 2014 Village Voice Media Holdings, LLC. All Rights Reserved. | Privacy Policy