Posted at 5:00 AM Apr 14, 2010
By Kiala Kazebee
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This is not in any way, shape, or form an advice column for teens. Look at this list as a kind of retro-active bildungs roman or a fictional memoir of sorts. THIS IS NOT A MANUAL FOR THE UNDERAGE OF THE WORLD.
I was a terribly late bloomer in regards to High School Shenaniganer-y, and while I had a college boyfriend with whom I had The Sex, I did not drink or do drugs or swear or do anything which might have made my later teen years bearable. I have a lot of regret about this, if only because I hated high school, and I believe I would have done really well drinking responsibly and making out with/engaging in safe, mutually respectful sexual situations. But I did not. I read a lot of science fiction and quietly deflowered the boy of my dreams right before graduation.
I guess that counts for something.
Onward with the wishes of things I'd done at that iconic milestone of the American High School Experience. Sigh.
10. Erik Kleist
BUT I DID HIM LATER. RIMSHOT! HEY-O!
Erik had floppy hair like the dudes in Dead Poets Society. He surfed, skateboarded, played the guitar and piano and took college level physics classes at UC Irvine. He was the only person I'd ever known besides me who had met Ray Bradbury.
OF COURSE I HAD SEX WITH HIM. I am not stupid.
9. Binge Drink
I think binge drinking would have been awful and fun. The puking would probably have been horribly embarrassing, but the experience of being really, super-drunk at the Newport Beach Hilton and finally saying all the things I'd wanted to say to everyone at school and possibly a few valet guys? Priceless.
Yes, I had a college age boyfriend with whom I had The Sex on a semi-regular basis but, because we both worked and went to school and didn't drink or do stimulants, we fell asleep fully clothed on my bed around midnight. SNOOZE.
7. Booty Dance
I don't know if Booty Dancing was a thing when I was in High School. I mean, we barely had the motorized horse drawn carriage or you know, fire, but if we did have a Booty Dance type thing, I didn't know about it. I think I would have liked to drop it while it was hot and maybe grind up against a teacher or two which leads me to...
6. Make My Physics Teacher Really, Really Uncomfortable