Posted at 5:00 AM Mar 16, 2010
By Susan Quesal
I have a theory that eventually everyone I know will have, at least once, tried online dating. For better or worse, we all get to the point someday--maybe after a big bad breakup, maybe after a particularly dry stretch, maybe out of sheer boredom or curiosity--that we think, What could it hurt? I'll just try it and see.
Yet, despite the fact that almost everyone I know has a profile up, the results for most of us have been mixed at best. More often than not, conversations about online dating center around horror stories so similar that they almost take on a quality of urban legend. Vaguely familiar characters pop up, and most of the time we all know where the story is going almost before it has begun. This is because, like legend, the world of online dating is populated by archetypes familiar to anyone who has tried a hand on MatchCupidHarmony.com. For those of you who wonder what this online dating is really all about, please find below a helpful guidebook to the worst bullshit you will encounter. Warning: not for the faint of heart or the borderline cynical.
10) Public self-loathers
A picture and headline pop up in your search list that seem promising. But when you click on the profile, you are smothered with a barrage of blatant self-loathing. I am lazy! I am fat! I am terrible with women/men and super-geeky! I've stopped caring what people think of me and I don't know why you'd message me but whatever, this is stupid anyway! UGH! Didn't your mom tell you that if you don't love yourself, no one else will love you either? Put your best face forward, people.
9) Angry, socially-awkward people who don't get why you don't like them
Fellow Doll Andrea has already discussed this hot mess, but her message bears repeating: no one wants to be berated on an online dating site about being uninterested or slow to respond. Sometimes people don't like you, and your throwing a hysterical fit about it isn't going to win anyone over. Maybe if you did a little work on those people skills, you could meet/keep someone in real life.
8) People who send you weeks of messages but won't ever meet you in person
I'm still trying to figure out just exactly what "TDel" wanted from me when we sent messages back and forth for a month or so. When I noticed we hung out at similar places and said we were going to awkwardly run into each other someday, he said, "Hey, we should meet up before that happens." I said, "Sure, here's my number." And he never called. Six months later, we DID run into each other. He was too drunk to feel awkward, but it wasn't the most pleasant thing this sober Doll has ever been through (though it was totally validating, but I digress). What I'm saying here is, just meet! Or else what the fuck are you on the site for anyway?
7) People who lie about having kids
People lie about a lot of stuff when they are internet dating. We all try to make ourselves look as good as possible. However, it was pretty disturbing when a guy with whom I was exchanging messages switched his "Kids" status from "Has kids" to "Likes kids." Um, dishonest much about things that should be a really high priority in your life? Why would you even want to date someone for whom that might be a dealbreaker? I'm all for selling yourself, but some things just need to be said.
6) Hipster assholes who act like they are too good for online dating and yet have profiles up
I smoke Parliments, and I'm totally into this list of bands you've never heard of and this list of documentaries about bands you've never heard of and I don't even know why I'm on this site really because my two jobs at that hip restaurant and that hip bar keep me pretty busy plus I'm opening a label out of my basement (or my mom's but I pay rent so, whatever) so that's taking up a lot of time too and I'm basically looking for someone who looks like Zooey Deschanel, but like, less corporate, and I rarely answer messages because I'm really picky about who I date. VOMIT.