The sweet, sweet poetry of Tiger Woods' sexts
Posted at 4:40 PM Mar 18, 2010
By Andrea Grimes
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You might expect that, for a man who spends much of his time observing the sprawling pseudo-natural beauty of the golf course, Tiger Woods would be a gentle and caressing lover. A man who wants to make out behind the pro shop. A man who would blush at the suggestive handling of a nine-iron.
You would be wrong. Because the sexts he sent to his many mistresses are, well, kinky as hell. And kind of scary. And now, they are online. Tiger appears to be a tiger in the bedroom. To honor his naughty prose, I combined the best of his sexts into a poem any Digg addict would be proud to jot down in his bio-chem 101 notebook.
I want to be deep inside you
I need that so bad
I would love to have the ability to make you sore
I will try to wear you out
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
God girl. You better want to take care of me
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
You are my fucking whore
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don't do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
You just make sure you take care of me when you get here
So when can i have that ass again
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you
Hurry so i come in that ass
Parent hood melt down:)
Baby im not going anywhere or doing anything. You please me like no other has or ever will. I'm not losing that
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck
Comments
I started wincing around the second paragraph, but that final one is sheer hilarity.
Posted 03/18/2010 at 06:07:15 PMSome of this is unsanitary.
Posted 03/18/2010 at 07:55:26 PMIck! I feel like I need to take a shower after reading that....... And no, not THAT kind of shower! Tiger, you're filthy!
Posted 03/18/2010 at 10:42:34 PMHmm, maybe being a sex addict is a way to be better at golf? Maybe it improves your game when you can put your fantasy into action?
Posted 03/19/2010 at 12:36:05 AMWell. I'd have to say that this runs somewhat counter to his image.
Posted 03/19/2010 at 05:12:30 AMTo be fair, if Elin had no idea that he was like this, it's her own fault. I know I'll get flamed for this, but you can't know someone well enough to marry them without picking up on this. So if she married him without knowing him well enough, it was probably because he's TIGER WOODS and is LOADED. Which are really bad reasons to marry someone. And if she DID know that he was like this, well then what did she expect?
Posted 03/19/2010 at 06:02:20 AM@St. Michael - Okay, that made me laugh. Meanwhile, Tiger's sexts make me ill.
Posted 03/19/2010 at 06:25:02 AMSounds like his theme song is Judas Priest's "Ram It Down." Actually, someone send this to Trent Reznor.
Andrea, how could you have left out the "What do you want to eat" text? It could have been a small bastion of normality against the golden showers. Or something.
Posted 03/19/2010 at 10:21:41 AMI really love it how no one released Her texts- I mean, she was probably like, "Yeah, sure- see you @ 8! LOL"
Let's all continue to be disgusted by the (extremely) rough sex Tiger refers to in his texts...that he sent to his pornstar mistress...who was his Pornstar Mistress.
Ugh. Wake me up me when Swedish models are marrying Not incredibly famous and wealthy golfers.
Posted 03/19/2010 at 12:11:04 PMI like how he capitalizes "fuck."
Posted 03/23/2010 at 08:05:22 PM