Roll your eyes like a woman while reading "lose weight like a guy"

Posted at 1:35 PM Mar 23, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Lo! Alas! Being a lady is yea, verily, a difficult task. The shoes we doth wear, they do wear on our feet. The makeup we doth don, doth do irritate the skin! The babies we doth birth, doth bear upon us a great burden. Truly, these things sucketh, with plague-like frequency.

But the herald that 'tis MSNBC hath searched out another afflictive lady affliction which afflicts the ladies of these many lands: ladies doth not lose weight like lords!

(I got some soap that smells like a Ren Faire and it makes me type funny. You Dolls knowhatahmean.)

But for real, you guys, MSNBC and Prevention magazine have teamed up to bring the women of the 'net yet another reason to feel shame about our bodies. According to "7 Ways To Lose Weight Like A Man," yet another thing wrong with women's fat, gluttonous lard-asses is that they are said lard-asses because they are not male bodies! Paging Michel Foucault, parce que cette shit sont bananas.

One of the most frustrating things your husband can say to you: "I need to lose 5 pounds -- I'll cut out the beer." That's because you could forgo beer forever and still never get close to squeezing into your skinny jeans from high school. It's not fair, but men are natural losers. We women may think we know every weight loss trick in the book, but men have some distinct physiological advantages.

Silly ladies! If only you could be men! (And yet, still ladies, because that gender queer stuff is totes creepy and guys hate it, and you want a guy, don't you?) Fear not, Prevention is here to provide seven ways you can attempt to alter your body in such a way that it mimics the male body but in such a way that it will be an attractive female body, which is to say, not fat.

It's really simple. Lemme break it down for you.

  • Don't crave sweets, because men don't crave sweets. Only women like sweet things, and that is gross, you fat cow. Have you ever seen a man eat candy? We didn't think so.
  • Don't get mad at yourself for not sticking to your diet and exercise plan, because men never do that. This is in no way related to body-shaming weight-loss articles that tell women to change themselves at any cost.
  • Lift heavy weights, like the beefcake men do. If you don't feel like you're growing a dick while doing bench presses, you're apparently doing it wrong.
  • Don't indulge in emotional eating, because men never do that. Men only eat when they're hungry, because they need fuel to be men and do man stuff, like wearing Dockers.
  • Don't talk your anger out, act it out, because all men hate talking about their feelings. Ladies, if you would just shut up and RUN, not only would you be thin, but you would also not be talking, which is really irritating.
  • Take time off for yourself, like men do, because they are always heading to the spa to get pedicures and shit when they are stressed out.
Remember, ladies: the way to do something right is to do it like a dude.

Comments

Ruth said:

So you're saying to be a more attractive woman, I should become a man? I think I'm going to check with my man first...he's always been more of a "you can do side-bends or sit-ups but please don't lose that butt" guy. ;)

Alyssa said:

Most of those tips are pretty lame, telling someone to not crave sweets is something that's easier said than done.
However the "lift heavy weights" tip is actually a good one. Women won't bulk up like men do by lifting heavy unless they take steroids. I never understand when I see girls in the gym doing a million quick reps of 20 pounds on a machine. It's called a 'work-out' because you're actually supposed to work.

BorgQueen said:

LMFAO @ "If you don't feel like you're growing a dick while doing bench presses, you're apparently doing it wrong." When will these rags... I mean, mags realize that everyone gains and loses weight different and we should all do what works for our individual selves? Oh, right, never because then they would have nothing to sell us. Also they have never seen my bf come home from a shit-sucky day at work and plow through 3 beers, a bag of chips and half a pack of cigs to deal with his stress. Maybe I should start doing that in order to "lose weight like a guy."

Ethan Moore said:

"Men don't crave sweets"?!? "Men don't indulge in emotional eating"?!? I'm carrying fifty extra pounds that put the lie to those ridiculous claims. (Just three months ago it was seventy-five pounds.)

In fact, my best stand-up comedy bit so far is about me being a terrible sugar addict. And I've written seriously about craving sweets too.

Lauren said:

Holy crap! I spit water at my screen at "If you don't feel like you're growing a dick while doing bench presses, you're apparently doing it wrong." I want to put that on one of my workout shirts.

Liz said:

The one about women using food as therapist is something socially induced too. When you've been told to deny, deny, deny yourself the food you like, like women are constantly, when your stressed, your commitment to that denial is the first thing to wane. Men, in general, aren't told they shouldn't eat this or that, so there is little to no denial and thus no need to binge.

Ethan Moore said:

Incidentally, I am amused that the ad currently showing on this page is for Nestle Toll House cookies.

Anonymous said:

RE: Liz's comment: And this is exactly why I eat what I want. I used to deny, deny, deny and binge, binge, binge. Then I started following the "no such thing as 'good' and 'bad' food" rule. If you listen to women talk, they CONSTANTLY refer to food as "good" and "bad." They also CONSTANTLY say things like, "I've been so good today!" and "I've been so bad today!" I conciously decided not to use that language anymore. I also eat whatever I want. I realized the other day that since I stopped denying myself and focusing on "good/bad" food, I just don't binge like I used to anymore, and when I DO throw down (which I do because food is AWESOME and I LOVE IT), I don't ruin the experience with all that guilt. The worst part? When I tell other women about the "good/bad" issue, they look at me with blank stares as if it doesn't compute. Of course food is either "good" or "bad"! And those terms, while they try to disguise themselves as being about health, actually come from "good=whatever doesn't make you fat" and "bad=whatever makes you fat." But here's the kicker: since I stopped talking "good" and "bad" and started eating whatever I want, I've been able to maintain a healthy weight (curvy, fit, energetic, and not too skinny). Just something to think about.

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