Posted at 1:35 PM Mar 23, 2010By Andrea Grimes
But the herald that 'tis MSNBC hath searched out another afflictive lady affliction which afflicts the ladies of these many lands: ladies doth not lose weight like lords!
(I got some soap that smells like a Ren Faire and it makes me type funny. You Dolls knowhatahmean.)
But for real, you guys, MSNBC and Prevention magazine have teamed up to bring the women of the 'net yet another reason to feel shame about our bodies. According to "7 Ways To Lose Weight Like A Man," yet another thing wrong with women's fat, gluttonous lard-asses is that they are said lard-asses because they are not male bodies! Paging Michel Foucault, parce que cette shit sont bananas.
One of the most frustrating things your husband can say to you: "I need to lose 5 pounds -- I'll cut out the beer." That's because you could forgo beer forever and still never get close to squeezing into your skinny jeans from high school. It's not fair, but men are natural losers. We women may think we know every weight loss trick in the book, but men have some distinct physiological advantages.
Silly ladies! If only you could be men! (And yet, still ladies, because that gender queer stuff is totes creepy and guys hate it, and you want a guy, don't you?) Fear not, Prevention is here to provide seven ways you can attempt to alter your body in such a way that it mimics the male body but in such a way that it will be an attractive female body, which is to say, not fat.
It's really simple. Lemme break it down for you.
Remember, ladies: the way to do something right is to do it like a dude.
- Don't crave sweets, because men don't crave sweets. Only women like sweet things, and that is gross, you fat cow. Have you ever seen a man eat candy? We didn't think so.
- Don't get mad at yourself for not sticking to your diet and exercise plan, because men never do that. This is in no way related to body-shaming weight-loss articles that tell women to change themselves at any cost.
- Lift heavy weights, like the beefcake men do. If you don't feel like you're growing a dick while doing bench presses, you're apparently doing it wrong.
- Don't indulge in emotional eating, because men never do that. Men only eat when they're hungry, because they need fuel to be men and do man stuff, like wearing Dockers.
- Don't talk your anger out, act it out, because all men hate talking about their feelings. Ladies, if you would just shut up and RUN, not only would you be thin, but you would also not be talking, which is really irritating.
- Take time off for yourself, like men do, because they are always heading to the spa to get pedicures and shit when they are stressed out.