Is This for Real?: Celebs struggle to stay sober, TLC apes and Tyra's just weird

Posted at 8:00 AM Mar 15, 2010

By Merritt Martin

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I was pretty fucking excited to find out that even though I hadn't been watching too much CW of late--my doctor said I'd been getting too much crap on TV--my TiVo majestically captured the premiere of America's Next Top Model (as well as VH-1's Sober House).

Generally, I watch ANTM with one eye open until they narrow the model-testants down to 10, or if there's a Dallas gal and I gotta watch it official-like for the day job. BUT! I always, always relish the absolute ridiculousness of the first episode. As if guaranteed, Tyra and the Jays are involved in some asinine shtick that plays out while they whittle down the semi-finalists to finalists and then decide on the series contestants who will be in the running...to become...America's next top model.

This season's theme? Social networking, of course! Tyra popped up talking to the girls via her MyFiercePage.com (what, you don't have one?). Then she brought runway coach Miss Jay and stylist Jay Manuel into the loop using her TyChat feature. I am not joking. I wish I were. And frankly, while we're on the subject, I don't see why she wouldn't have gone with FierceBook (or just, you know, um, Facebook itself...you know, with the "face" in the name and all? Whatever) instead of riffing on the way less popular My Space. But, c'mon, when we question the methods of Tyra Banks do we ever truly get an answer? No. Which is why it's so awesome to watch her do crazy shit all the time.

So, they narrow the pool down to 12 and tell the girls that they'll go to NYC where they'll meet a 13th model--one for whom T & the Js will have searched high and low, nationwide. And that's odd, for sure. But then, when they arrive in the Big Apple, they get in their limo with vertical airlocked doors or some such, they are transported to a surprise location, and greeted by...wait for it...Perez Hilton and a wax figure of Johnny Depp. Again, not joking.

Apparently, ol' Perez made a deal to stop talking about celebrity children for 6 months if he got to appear on ANTM. And, yeah, that totally makes sense...though I see the positives.

Oh, and the 13th girl, Ren, is from Dallas, or, rather a suburb of, and doesn't shave her pits ("I don't shave my armpits, like, regularly, because, both health and women's rights," Ren stated). So, naturally, Miss Jay did it for her. Other models were wondering if she shaves anything else. Discussed on prime time television. Not joking.

For the record, I'm putting Naduah in my Top Three. IJS.

ANTM is all well and good in terms of vapid reality schlock, but I was exceptionally stoked to find out who from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew would be transitioning over to sober living c/o Sober House.