Extra Extra! Tabloid News!: Shiloh is a BOY!
Posted at 8:00 AM Mar 09, 2010
By Tolly Moseley
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Welcome, interwebs! Extra Extra! is a round-up of our favorite tabloid headlines and tidbits, collected from hallowed corners of the internet and trusted grocery store check-out aisles. All aboard for Crazytown, this is your captain speaking: We're taking a non-stop flight on SmutWay Express!
FROM US WEEKLY:
Cover: How She Tricked Him
It appears that Us Weekly is the official sponsor for The Bachelor. If you will recall, Jake fronted Us Weekly's cover 2 weeks ago in a hand-wringing story describing his "mistake" (i.e. keeping Vienna around). Well, Vienna showed us! Because not only did she stay in the Bachelor running, she had a special mouth to...er, HEART-TO-HEART with Jake, and now they are engaged. Que horror! Moving on: Miley Cyrus says she is really deep. Or rather, deeper than everyday 'mericans. "I think [my boyfriend and I] are deeper than normal people -- what they think and how they feel." In the same story she recalls trying "to book my friend a flight, and I didn't know how because I was used to someone doing it for me." Someone, that is, who was probably not as deep! Finally, Kathy Ireland says she was NOT on meds at the Oscars. Here I am going to side with Team Kathy and reserve judgement for Us Weekly itself, who compiled a story of pill abuse / alcoholism based on other people's Twitter feeds. Which is stunning journalism. Anyway, Kathy responded Tweeted gracefully, saying: "Just excited 2 be involved. Grateful."
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Cover: Why is Angelina Turning Shiloh Turning Into a Boy?
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kid you not, that is what it says. Its bulleted pieces of evidence below the shocking headline include "No Girlie Things!" And then breathlessly implores "Is It Harming the 3-Year Old?" Apparently Shiloh didn't get the memo that GIRLS are supposed to wear ruffled pinafores and bejeweled flats, and only BOYS have short hair! Silly, silly Shiloh. What would Suri Cruise think? Also, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are apparently "official," but I refuse to believe it. Not for the reason you think. R-Patz is hot, but K-Stew brings out my sapphic side IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. And I think she knows it, too. (About her ability to turn on women in general, not her ability to turn ME on personally...though that would be really, really awesome). Also, this is the 83rd time we've heard that these two are an item, so I think it is safe to say at this point that L&S is simply toying with our emotions. Anyway, Life & Style corroborates the Vienna-tricked-Jake theory. There is a mini-headline on this week's L&S cover mimicking Us Weekly's claim: It wasn't Vienna's boobies! It wasn't her bedroom behavior! It was her TRICKERY!
From OK!
Cover: Exclusive Bachelor Wedding Album
Jesus, what is the deal with The Bachelor? Someone named Jason and someone named Molly got married. Yawn. Let's talk about something a little more exciting, like Zac Efron crushing on R-Patz. Notice I didn't say "man-crush" as if to imply it was all innocent and heterosexual. THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT. I don't think that dimpled, All-American Zac is R-Patz's type, but anyway, good call Zac. On to etiquette! Countess De Lesepps is now OK's! resident etiquette expert, and has some choice words for Megan Fox, who recently revealed that she's only had two sexual partners. "Megan Fox has a tendency to 'overshare,'" says the Countess. "Is the world a better place because Megan has had sex with only two men?" Which is a funny follow-up question. I guess, um, no? It's not? Unless by "men" we are actually meaning "unicorns" and then it's a completely different, and altogether more confusing, matter entirely.
From IN TOUCH:
Cover: Sisters in Crisis: Humiliated By Their Men
Sit down, Kardashians! Your men are HUMILIATING! Khloe is dragging new husband Lamar Odom to counseling, Kim is mad at Reggie because he has a ring but won't propose to her, Scott Disick continues to possibly be psychotic. Not too much new to report here. On to happier items, Kate Gosselin and her hair are going to be on the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars, which makes me oddly excited. And finally, Sandra Bullock might be the most awesome woman ever? She not only won, but ATTENDED The Razzies, where she was deemed "Worst Actress" for her part in All About Steve. And then exactly one day later, she won the Oscar for Best Actress in The Blind Side. Her remarks? "It probably means more that both of them happened at the same time...nothing ever lets me get too full of myself!" Sandy (is it ok to call you "Sandy?"), I want to make this official, you are hereby invited to be my BFF. I, too, live in Austin, Texas, I too snort when I laugh, I too am an Oscar winner (in my MIND!). Call me!
