Extra! Extra! Tabloid News!: Bizarre celeb pairings edition

Posted at 10:45 AM Mar 23, 2010

By Tolly Moseley

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Welcome, interwebs! Extra Extra! is a round-up of our favorite tabloid headlines and tidbits, collected from hallowed corners of the internet and trusted grocery store check-out aisles. All aboard for Crazytown, this is your captain speaking: We're taking a non-stop flight on SmutWay Express!

FROM US WEEKLY:
Cover: Hollywood Kids: GROWING UP TOO FAST

Us Weekly feigns concerned hand-wringing this issue, over the state of Hollywood's children and how they are embracing adulthood far, far too quickly. Us, please. For starters, your site currently contains a link on how "Shiloh's style has evolved." In about a year, you'll start running "Who Wore it Better?" photo polls between her and Suri Cruise, so don't give us this "oh, the children!" nonsense. But in a related feature, there is a fascinating picture gallery - exclamation point-theirs - called "From Little Angels to Devils!" It shows Miley Cyrus, Taylor Momsen, et. al when they were kids. Pre-highlights, pre-lip injections, pre-rehab trips, pre-ass backwards crazy. I feel like I am staring at Suri Cruise's future and want to save her from it. Moving on, did you know that Shannon Doherty and Pamela Anderson share an ex? With Paris Hilton? For whom said ex, Rick Salamon, bears "producer" title for internet sex tape One Night in Paris? Good God Rick Salamon. Rein it freaking IN.

From LIFE & STYLE:
Cover: Corey's Final Days

No snark here: Rest in peace, Corey Haim.

You know who's not dead, AT ALL? Heidi and Spencer Montag, who apparently might be brainwashed. They are following a new "spiritual adviser" who has friends and family members concerned. Now, I'm not sure what brand of spirituality this guy is peddling, but just a few years ago Heidi and Spencer were all hard-core Christian. Remember that? I can't keep up with these two. Lord have mercy, Jesse James' alleged mistress has got some big ol' brass balls. After revealing she had an 11-month affair with Sandra Bullock's husband, she changed her Twitter handle from "MichelleSinai" to the decidedly more pointed "EvilCunt." Well. In other news, Demi Moore recently gave her daughter, Rumer Willis, pole dancing lessons while stepdad Ashton Kutcher watched. And that is awkward.

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From OK!
Cover: Kendra Diet Exclusive: How I Lost Another 10 Pounds in 10 Days!

Cue Kendra Wilkinson diet book / exercise DVD series in 3-2-! Before the inevitable happens, Kendra is scrupulously documenting her post-baby figure insecurities on her reality show, Kendra. I'm sorry, but this girl's self-identity is all over the place. First OK!'s story calls Kendra a "self-confessed tomboy" (?) then, upon smoking a cigar, Kendra is quoted as saying: "I can still puff on a cigar like the same old G that I used to be!" What? Moving on, Kirstie Alley called Howard Stern a "f-k head." Teehee. Also, my new favorite OK! series has a new installment: What Would the Countess Do! This week, Countess De Lesepps talks about something a little boring, so I'm going to link to this old What Would the Countess Do? instead: "Cleaning Up Jersey Shore." Thoughts, Countess? "The men are misogynist, the women are badly dressed, and they all need their mouths washed out with hair gel." Hair gel - interesting choice. I actually would LOVE to see a Charm School remake with The Countess as Mo'nique, and the cast of Jersey Shore as the former Flavor/Rock of Love girls. You're welcome, VH1.

From IN TOUCH:
Cover: Sandra's Husband Caught Cheating: The Ultimate Betrayal!

Sigh, In Touch. This website! I could make a cuter AngelFire blog. Anyway, the big news is Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. And how Jesse done f-d up. Oh Sandy, my fellow Austin girl: come to these arms! Let's remember Hope Floats and Harry Connick, Jr. and make Keanu Reeves jokes together! Bring your Oscar so I can beat Jesse's ass with it. Dennis Rodman is making Sandy a romantic counter-offer, which I support whole-heartedly. In another unexpected celebrity pairing, Michael Bolton and Lady Gaga have recorded a single together called "Murder My Heart." The fleecy-white Bolton was all, "People are going to be so shocked by us collaborating!" and Gaga was like, "MURDER. LET'S PUT MURDER IN THE SONG TITLE." And Bolton goes "I don't know - murder? What about, 'When a Man Loves His Spouse?'" Then Gaga looked at him with crazy eyes and Bolton was like, "Golly geez! Well then, 'murder' it is Miss Gaga! Hidy ho, I'm late for parasailing!"


Comments

Anonymous said:

Suri and Shiloh look like baby versions of Lindsey Lohan and Sam Ronson.

Tolly said:

LOL, Anonymous! I like you.

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