10 Ways in Which It Is Obvious That You, Sir, Do Not Need Magnum XL's

Posted at 5:00 AM Mar 08, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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It's always a nice surprise when you get a guy home and you're going for the big reveal, and tada! it's a big fish! Not that big fish are the only kind ladies like to eat, but an extra-filling snack can definitely be a fun bonus. However, sometimes a gentleman's pants don't have to be dangling 'round his ankles for us to be able to tell that he's packing a sardine--and that's when the bad times start.

Dudes, it's really not a big deal if your johnson isn't a big deal. The problem starts when you try desperately to make up for it by, well, doing things besides having a great personality and fine sense of humor and sweet in-the-sack skills. Anything else is kind of sad. And funny. But mainly sad. Here are 10 ways through which it's obvious a guy is overcompensating:

10. Driving a vehicle with a "lift."

We've got a lot of transportation-related faux pas to get through on this list, and the first is putting a lift on your truck. Nothing says "I wish a certain something was bigger" like making your damned car bigger. Or taller. Or whatever. I already know you're getting ready to quibble with me about this, which leads me to the next point ...

9. Always needing to be right.

If it's important that a dude has the last word, it's important that that dude also know he's not fooling anyone. Hopefully, insufferable quibbling over social theory or which actor was in that one film or whether two plus two always equals four will keep mouthy, pushy dudes largely out of sex's way. Oh, who are we kidding? Reality television exists to prove otherwise. Sigh.

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8. Owning Ed Hardy anything.

Okay, to be fair, wearing Ed Hardy does not, in and of itself, have a directly proportional relationship to penis size. But the sheer thought of sleeping with a Hardy-man is so ridiculous, it really wouldn't matter if the dude was packing a Saturn V in his pants. This sex is not cleared for takeoff.

7. Driving a car in which the acceleration apparatus has been modified in any way.

Unless it's your job to drive fast in circles around a track for lots of money, pretty much any car with four wheels and an engine that you can purchase from a dealership is probably going to be speedy enough to get you where you need to go in a timely fashion. Adding NOS or exhaust or unicorns or a Batmobile kit or whatever to your car is the equivalent of walking around in public with a penis pump.

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6. Talking about your salary outside of a job interview.

Here's when it's okay to talk about how much money you make: when your boss, or potential boss, asks you about it, so that they can figure out how much to pay you. Here's when it's not: every other time anywhere at any point, ever. You may have a massive bank account, but there's nothing of value in the safety deposit box in your pants.