Top 10 Casual Dining Menu Items that Sound Like Sex Acts
Posted at 5:00 AM Feb 09, 2010
By Susan Quesal
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| flickr/justj0000lie |
| The onion, it blooms! |
Economic troubles have hit everyone pretty hard this year, and with Valentine's Day just around the corner, I'm sure you'll all looking for somewhere to take your sweetie that won't break the bank. Luckily, America's casual dining restaurants are here to offer you a mid-priced dinner guaranteed to put everyone in a sexy mood.
Why, you ask, would a salt-and-fat-laden, giant-'Mercan-sized portion of casual dining food-pile put anyone in a mood that even comes close to "sexy"? Because the names of the dishes and drinks at casual dining restaurants are FILTHY, y'all! If you want to get your date all hot 'n bothered this Valentine's Day, be sure to order him or her one of these top 10 casual dining menu items that sound like sex acts.
10. Bloomin' Onion (appetizer at Outback)
What it actually is: Basically onion rings, but like, still attached to one another.
What it sounds like: A man is buried completely in rich black soil, except for his "onions" (and I guess face so he doesn't die). Said "onions" are then licked until his gentleman-parts "bloom" through the earth.
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9. Shaved Turkey (sandwich at Chili's)
What it actually is: A turkey sandwich.
What it sounds like: A raspberry blown on a freshly shaven scrotum.
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8. Frozen Swirl (drink at Joe's Crab Shack)
What it actually is: A frozen margarita with "sweet and sassy strawberry swirled in."
What it sounds like: 1) Oral sex performed with a mouthful of frozen margarita; 2) A Popsicle to the cooter.
7. French Toast Napoleon (brunch entrée at The Cheesecake Factory)
What it actually is: "Brioche" French toast with strawberries, pecans and "chantilly cream."
What it sounds like: A short man is coated in maple syrup and powdered sugar and passed among guests at breakfast. (Note: While this CAN be sexual in nature, it's also just a fun way to spend a Sunday.)
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6. Leaning Bellini (drink at Macaroni Grill)
What it actually is: Bacardi, peach nectar, white wine, and champagne, frozen and blended.
What it sounds like: Trying to make it with an Italian girl who has been stricken by vertigo.
Comments
Don't you think everything on the list is really grasping at straws? IMHO, you've completely missed the mark.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 05:58:02 AMHilarious! You just made my sadness at realizing it's only Tuesday get a little bit lighter.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 06:59:45 AMfunny thing is i could see all of these in an issue of cosmo. mostly in flirting tips and sex advice.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 07:32:23 AMMiss C. Lanyus,
Grasping at straws? Maybe. But are these any less believable than sex acts like teapotting and supermanning? There are people putting their balls in teapots and having someone blow on the spout to create a testicle jacuzzi! It's all meant in silly internet fun.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 08:34:48 AMNot casual dining, but I used to chuckle over the Sonic (or was it Dairy Queen?) commercials advertising the "Hot Fudge Brownie Blast".
Posted 02/09/2010 at 09:53:35 AMi LOLed for like 10 minutes after French Toast Napoleon.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 10:06:53 AMFYI: A blondie is basically a pan cookie, or blond brownie.
Also, you just made me snort and shriek (in public) I was laughing so hard. Your take on French Toast Napoleon is amazing.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 05:05:38 PMya'll should tag things by author
Posted 02/09/2010 at 05:53:38 PMMy brain was so not expecting this: "When fully marinated, anilingus is performed."
Posted 02/09/2010 at 09:18:19 PMThese comedy versions sound more appetizing than the hideous real things here.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 11:51:54 PMNot a single mention of Spotted Dick? Fail.
Posted 02/09/2010 at 11:52:49 PMI'm never eating again.
Posted 02/10/2010 at 12:07:02 AMI have tried all but two recipes of the first three days menu plan, plus two extras, sometimes they took a little longer than 5 minutes but I have enjoyed every recipes. This is my fourth try going raw and I may make it this time.
Posted 02/11/2010 at 12:54:36 AM