Shit Is Bout 'Ta Get Real, Y'all: Girl Scout cookies kind of suck

Posted at 2:30 PM Feb 04, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

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Hey, before you guys start talking about date rape and just saying no, I'd like to turn this here chair around and talk from my heart with you kids for a minute. You know, jam wit' you while I wear these acid-washed jeans and high-topped sneakers. Lay some issues down. Because shit is bout 'ta get real, y'all.

Girl Scout cookies are kind of gross.

Girl Scouts are cool, and cookies are cool, but man, the combination of the two has resulted in some seriously overblown love for a mediocre snack. In American pop culture, the Girl Scout cookie has reached mythological status. Thin Mint, Tagalongs, Caramel deLites. Merely saying the words inspires awe and reverence among mass throngs of people.

Why?

Kate Harding has some interesting thoughts over on Broadsheet, with regard to the illusion of scarcity and desperate nostalgia.

Which brings us to the most obvious reason for Girl Scout cookie mania: the illusion of scarcity. If you miss your chance, you will have to wait an entire year to get another shot at the real thing, which we all know is infinitely more satisfying than the numerous facsimiles available in the supermarket year-round, let alone something crazy like homemade cookies fresh from the oven.

... Maybe it's nostalgia. After all, one bite of a Girl Scout cookie takes you back to a time when people wrote elegant letters instead of poorly spelled texts, when popular music didn't sound like so much noise, when "The Wizard of Oz" was only on once a year. Or something. Basically, it's about tradition and ritual and tasty chocolate coating -- what's not to love?
I'll tell you what's not to love: the taste, texture and overall distribution process of Girl Scout Effing Cookies. In the realm of delicious desserts, Girl Scout cookies can't hold a candle to a creme brulée, a molten lava cake or heck, even a Swiss Cake Roll. But here's what else: I love even less the fact that this very blogger once bought into the hype. Once upon a time a couple days ago, I re-Tweeted a Girl Scout cookie article, affirming that "I love a Thin Mint."

Well, I don't. I mean, not any more than I like any other choco-mint flavored cookie. But I was swept up in the yearly novelty (is that even possible?) of the Girl Scout cookie. And I am ashamed of myself. I bowed to the wafer hegemony, the sweetness ideology. But the truth is, I don't think about wanting Girl Scout cookies all year long, and I'd be fairly surprised if more than five people on this planet actually do. Heck, I don't even go out of my way to buy them when they're in season. And I certainly don't appreciate teaching kids to run around and try to out-sell their peers, even in the name of charity. I am never more thankful to be a freelancer than when I realize I don't have an office wherein I will be pressured to buy coworkers' kids' crap--and that includes Girl Scout cookies. How did I manage to forget that?

You win, Kate Harding: I was swept up in the illusion of scarcity and also the nostalgia--which is strange, 'cause I dropped out of Brownie scouts because even in elementary school, I thought that shit was weird and conformist and I didn't want to get a badge for sewing a damned pillow. So, I actually don't have many fond memories of Girl Scouts or their cookies.

Girl Scout cookies, I want no part of you. You are boring and overpriced. But most of all, you remind me of how an otherwise critical and thoughtful individual like me--indeed, thousands if not millions of thoughtful people like me--can become caught up in cultural hype. And that saddens me. Quit reminding me I am but a mortal, Girl Scout cookies. For you give me hate in my heart.

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[Ed. note: but hey, you guys know what doesn't suck? Winning a badass vibrator from Eden Fantasys and Heartless Doll. Click here to tell us your best (worst!) sex toy story and you might win!]

Comments

The Admiral said:

You're right. Shit just got real. I would shank a roomful of nuns for a box of Samoas AND I MEAN IT. I might slap a baby for some Thin Mints.

Andrea said:

Thanks for the LOL, Admiral. Haha.

Susan said:

I also will help Admiral shank said roomful of nuns for said Samoas, and then I might shank him in order to have the whole of the box to myself. I also mean it.

Catherine said:

Never had girl scout cookies. Probably never will. Basically because you don't get them here. that is all, lol.

Lewen said:

I remember selling cookies the year Caramel delites were introduced and they gave samples. yum. they are still my favorite and no one has copied them to my satisfaction yet. So I still buy from the GS dispite only getting 16 cookies for $3.50.

lewen said:

I hear Canadian Girl scouts don't have our varieties. They sell chocolate and Vanilla sandwich cookies with the GS logo and thats it. So sad. i bet its not as big of a fund raiser for them as it is here. Cookies sales fund 25% of the organisation. The rest comes from dues and membership fees, grants and endowments.

Maug said:

Canadians sell the cookies twice a year. Chcolate Mint ones around Christmas, and then the vanilla/chocolate sandwich cookies in the Spring. The cookies are a fairly major fundraiser, like the American counterpart, from what I saw as a member of guides, and as a brief stint as a leader. The sandwich cookies are actually more popular than the mint ones.

RachelB said:

I just shelled out $14 for GSCs and I can't wait for them to arrive. I had a great time in Girl Scouts, went all the way up to Cadet level. My leader was this hippie chick who didn't shave her legs and whose boyfriend was a transvestite. We earned badges in fire building, star gazing, compasses, knots, swimming, camping--all outdoorsy stuff. More like Boy Scouts for girls, which is the way Scouts should be, instead of sewing and makeup application (sadly, you can get a badge in this). Yeah, I can get the same cookies by any other name at any time of the year, but call me nostalgic, I think they just taste better when they're made from real Girl Scouts.

defenestrated said:

" I think they just taste better when they're made from real Girl Scouts."

See, that's my problem with GS cookies. I'm vegetarian. :)

c.l. said:

But what about G.S. ICE CREAM!?!!

tardgenius said:

I have one word for you: Samoas
Best. Cookie. Ever. Crush it up in ice cream and that's an orgasm in a bowl. Most GS cookies are crap, but Samoas are Jesus.

Dotcom said:

HA! My MIL is the supreme cookie maker of the universe. GS cookies can't hold a candle to hers. She makes about a dozen different types every year during Thanksgiving and Christmas. One bite, and you'd never touch a GS cookie again (might as well eat sawdust).

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