Posted at 8:35 AM Feb 01, 2010
By Merritt Martin
Toddlers & Tiaras and Little Miss Perfect are ruining my life. Tiny children sexualized via spray tan and sequins for the benefit of their stage parents is one big issue. But this week, pageantry infiltrated not only my Food Network shows (I'll get to that), but also furry territory...as in furries. On Little Miss Perfect, a diminutive blonde girl playing Little Red Riding Hood (naturally) gyrated on a giant fursuit-ed creature claiming to be a wolf. Appropriate? Hell no. Maybe it was innocent but all I could think was, "Why is that tiny child in the vertical cowgirl position on a wolf and everyone is just clapping?" Thankfully, The Soup also found the segment disturbing (the footage below is courtesy of The Soup Blog). Then, on my beloved Food Network Challenge the contest was to create "pageant cakes," and the bakers were forced to work with stage moms as their assistants. I was so pissed. Seeing a mom demand that one of the decorative elements on her daughter's cake be a fan of cash made my stomach turn.
Next, I cannot, even in jest, figure out why a guy 10 years older than the age cut-off and who was on Seasons 1 and 2 of Project Runway would show up on my American Idol audition episode.
Daniel Franco, you should be ashamed. Did someone dare you? Do you really need another chance to get kicked off a reality show? Do you realize what a fame whore that made you look like? More important, do you realize how freaking embarrassed I am that I recognized you and knew your name when you showed up for barely a split second to call yourself the love child of Adam Lambert and Susan Boyle? Go make an outfit or another one of these YouTube videos and stay off my screen. In related news, Neil Patrick Harris should replace Simon when he leaves AI next year. Dr. Horrible was harsh, unapologetic and freakin' awesome as a judge. Plus, he knows his song and dance so he's totally qualified. Ellen? Well, we'll see.
|Is that a ladypart I see in the background there, Fergie?|
OK, so I know most of you watched the Grammys last night, right? OK, many of you? Some of you? Wait, six of you? And all of you voted for Bon Jovi to play "Livin' On a Prayer"? Well done. That "It's My Life" song blows compared to Johnny and Gina's classic trials and tribs. But seriously, I just need to bring up a couple of quick points:
- Pink is a theatrical, acrobatic badass wrapped in a tape measure. She spun hanging from a ribbon and never missed a note. Who knew?
- The Black Eyed Peas dancers were futuristic clitorises. For real.
- Um, did you see Rihanna pull out her wedgie on stage at the Grammys last night? I did. It was awesome. Totally shameless.
- Stevie Nicks harmonizing for Taylor Swift on the line "and I'm on the bleachers" made me feel funny. I give her credit for sounding better than Tay-Swi, however.
- Someone in the Zac Brown Band definitely burst a blood vessel whilst screaming "above the fruited plains." Really unnecessary. Scared my cat.
- Aretha Fran--wait, I mean Mary J. Blige, Andrea Bocelli and David Foster reminded everyone that Simon & Garfunkel are still the shit with a multi-genre version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water."
- Jimmy walks! I still have a problem believing that little Aubrey Graham from Degrassi: The Next Generation is the panty-dropping hip-hop sensation, Drake. Or that he shared the stage with Lil Wayne, Eminem and Travis Barker. Of course, most of it was silenced for obscenities. What would Ashley think?!
And finally, Joel McHale's Best Bite of Soup: "Gary Coleman was arrested for a misdemeanor in Utah after being wanted for one count of domestic assault. Even more shocking: Domestic assault is a misdemeanor in Utah." Thank you, Joel, for not shying away from a comment just because you're on a comedy show.