Posted at 8:30 AM Feb 04, 2010
By Andrea Grimes
The worshipful celebrity profile has been a staple of magazine journalism since the dawn of glossy--heck, probably before. And while these things are always already horrible in their mere concept, some are worse than others. A 2007 Esquire profile of Angelina Jolie comes to mind. But the March 2010 issue of Vanity Fair has taken the genre to a whole new level. After reading this whirlwind profile of nine Hollywood "It Girls," though surely author Evgenia Peretz would prefer the term "ingenues," a reader could be forgiven for wondering if any of these women might be the second coming of the Virgin Herself.
Have you heard of, for example, Abbie Cornish? I haven't, but now I'm going to run out and rent all her films because clearly kittens, rainbows and unicorns look to her for inspiration:
The Cupid's-bow lips, the downy-soft cheeks, the button nose: 27-year-old Abbie Cornish has those Ivory-soap-girl features we're so familiar with, and yet hers is a face it's hard to stop staring at--testament to the intelligence, vulnerability, and sensuality she brings to her characters. Her breakthrough for American audiences came with fellow Australian Heath Ledger, as a junkie in 2006's Candy, free-falling from invincible heroin highs to soul-seizing anguish. Kimberly Peirce's Stop-Loss saw her fleeing the law with Ryan Phillippe's character. (Enter some real-life drama: Phillippe, then the husband of Reese Witherspoon, would soon become her boyfriend.) She may have been her loveliest in Jane Campion's Bright Star, playing John Keats's muse, the flirty and forthright Fanny Brawne.
Swoooooon! The whole thing is borderline hilarious in its unabashed hyper-fawning. Peretz, are you joking? If you are joking, this is the best joke ever. If you're not joking, I'll make it into a joke for you. Behind the cut, I've created our own Heartless Doll Vanity Fair Mad Lib so that you, too, can insert yourself into the awed gaze of VF.
Click the image to enlarge my super awesome Photoshop skillz. (Edit: inspired by a very smart commenter's observation: Do not actually attempt this Mad Lib if your skin is brown, black, tan-ish, off-white ... really any color besides shimmering ivory. You are unsexy and destined for sassy, supporting roles. But you already knew that, probably. Quit being uppity.)
Do please, post your interpretations in the comments!