Posted at 9:00 AM Feb 19, 2010By Andrea Grimes
But one of my fellow Dolls--whose identity shall remain hidden, so we'll call her "KiSusMerJiTolNi"--has had actual good luck with online dating, specifically OKCupid, and so I always find myself running back into the tepid arms of the OKC. But over the past few weeks, we've both gotten some ridonk messages from dudes that have had us laughing as hard as we were crying.
Look at this barrel of fish! Let's shoot them.
In an IM to KiSusMerJiTolNi, who is a smoker and lists herself as such on her profile--with no preceding introductory message or wink--some guy pops up with, more or less, this: "I like everything else about you, but you smoke, and I don't like smokers." What kindness, letting KiSusMerJiTolNi know that, if she would only quit smoking, she could bask in the glow of love from some guy she's never met and probably isn't even interested in. Thanks for not being passive aggressive, man we've never met.
And speaking of passive-aggressive, I recently got a message about my love of tomatoes (which I talk about at length on my profile, because I really love tomatoes). What did it say? It was my very first interaction with this guy, and he sent me just one line: "Tomatoes, huh? I hope you buy organic." I mean, if I can't be scolded and flirted with in the same breath, I don't want to talk to the guy, amirite ladies?
Then, while it's nice to get a compliment from a guy in a message, it's also nice for him to tell you exactly what he doesn't like about your appearance, too. Because every good relationship starts off with a vague criticism of the object of your affection, right? Some guy who lives several hundred miles away from me sent me this: "You have the most beautiful hair ... when you wear it down." Oh, dude! You had me at "I take dating advice from Mystery." Be still, my pattering heart.
But perhaps the most bizarre online dating messenger of all is the guy--and this is specific to OkCupid--who is in no way a match but who messages and harasses you anyway. If you're not on OKC, the deal is this: based on your answers to a bunch of questions, they match you up on a friend/love/enemy level with other users. In my experience, it's at least accurate at matching the friend bit, as the guys I've been out with have been high friend matches and are almost always dudes I'd like to hang with, if not date, in real life. And I presume this goes for other daters, as well. And if, for example, I wanted to date someone who was the opposite of me, that would come across in my match levels. As it is, I want to date someone who is kind of like me, and so if you're not, you won't have a high match rate with me.
So why is there some shaven-headed Three Doors Down Republican guy messaging me to ask me out for a drink? You don't have to get very far down in my online profile to realize that I am a commie-ass pinko hipster liberal who isn't interested in religious asshats from the suburbs. (Yes, I am a snob, because when you online date, you have to be. I don't have the time or inclination to be generous to every other guy who winks at me, and I expect the same from dudes.)
So what gives, friends? If any Dolls have thoughts on the mystery of the non-match who won't leave you alone, please post them in the comments. And please, feel free to relive your most asinine online dating message moments with us.