Posted at 10:15 AM Feb 23, 2010By Tolly Moseley
FROM US WEEKLY
Cover: Jake's Mistake
Someone named Jake has apparently f--d up. Because I don't watch The Bachelor, I'm not entirely sure what this means, but anyway, Vienna has a "secret boyfriend" and Ali is already dating again. Boo-ya Jake! Also of note in Us Weekly:
- Scott Resembles Christian Bale from American Psycho. And moreover, if someone made a movie about the Kardashians, the girls would actually like it if Christian Bale AGREED TO PLAY Scott Disick. Good luck with that one.
- Lindsay Lohan Comes Clean About Cocaine Use and more or less blames it on her dad. "I was only aware of cocaine because of my dad," she says.
- Jessica Simpson Is Thinking About Getting a Pet Pig which just seems so right.
- In other Jessica news, she Posted a "Wacky" Fask Mask Pic on Twitter over the weekend. "Wacky" isn't quite the adjective I'd use there.
FROM LIFE & STYLE
Cover: Jen and Jessica's DIRTY SECRETS
Oh, John Mayer. Silly, silly John Mayer. Life & Style basically added to the deafening chorus of "John Mayer is a douchebag" happening right now, but spotlighted a really funny quote from his infamous Playboy interview. On breaking up with Jennifer Aniston: "One of the most significant differences between us is that I was tweeting." Which explains everything. Also:
- There is a photo feature called Hollywood's Kids in 2020 which uses age projection software to show what Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Suri Cruise, and other famous kids will look like in 10 years. It is clever. And, disturbing.
- The Situation is launching his own cologne."Eau de Abs." Just kidding. (About Eau de Abs -- he really is launching a cologne).
Cover: Sex Scandal: Betrayed By John
- This is yet another breathless report of John Mayer's well-documented Playboy interview, and rather than summarize OK!'s take, I am, again, going to pull a favorite J. Mayer quote: "My biggest dream is to write pornography." Well then. Moving on:
- SJP & Matthew Are a Hot, Hat-Wearing Couple. SJP perhaps, but Matthew Broderick? That hat is many things...red...goofy...sock-like. But OK! I think you know very well that hat is much too Team Zissou to reasonably be called "hot."
- Onto more weighty matters, Travis Barker Tweets the Truth in Paparazzi Attack. But I vote we end that headline at "-the Truth."
FROM IN TOUCH:
Cover: Kourtney Trapped: Boyfriend From Hell
Not gonna lie, this week's In Touch is kind of a snoozer. But we do know this: Scott Disick (the one who, you'll remember, looks like Christian Bale) is bad news bears times 1,000. But Kourtney still loves him. It is confusing. Also: Simon wants Lady Gaga on Idol. In response, Lady Gaga continues to wear weird face coverings made out of lace and/or papier mache. I love you, Lady Gaga.