Extra Extra! Tabloid! News!

Posted at 10:15 AM Feb 23, 2010

By Tolly Moseley

OK_COVER_Jessica-Simpson.jpg
Hiya interwebs. We're starting a new bi-weekly round-up of "news," by which we mean, tabloid news. It shall be a rundown of sorts of our favorite tabloid highlights, collected from hallowed corners of the internet and trusted grocery store check-out aisles. All aboard for Crazytown, you're on a non-stop flight with SmutWay Express!

FROM US WEEKLY
Cover: Jake's Mistake


Someone named Jake has apparently f--d up. Because I don't watch The Bachelor, I'm not entirely sure what this means, but anyway, Vienna has a "secret boyfriend" and Ali is already dating again. Boo-ya Jake! Also of note in Us Weekly:


FROM LIFE & STYLE
Cover: Jen and Jessica's DIRTY SECRETS


Oh, John Mayer. Silly, silly John Mayer. Life & Style basically added to the deafening chorus of "John Mayer is a douchebag" happening right now, but spotlighted a really funny quote from his infamous Playboy interview. On breaking up with Jennifer Aniston: "One of the most significant differences between us is that I was tweeting." Which explains everything. Also:

  • There is a photo feature called Hollywood's Kids in 2020 which uses age projection software to show what Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Suri Cruise, and other famous kids will look like in 10 years. It is clever. And, disturbing.
  • The Situation is launching his own cologne."Eau de Abs." Just kidding. (About Eau de Abs -- he really is launching a cologne).

FROM OK!
Cover: Sex Scandal: Betrayed By John



FROM IN TOUCH:
Cover: Kourtney Trapped: Boyfriend From Hell


Not gonna lie, this week's In Touch is kind of a snoozer. But we do know this: Scott Disick (the one who, you'll remember, looks like Christian Bale) is bad news bears times 1,000. But Kourtney still loves him. It is confusing. Also: Simon wants Lady Gaga on Idol. In response, Lady Gaga continues to wear weird face coverings made out of lace and/or papier mache.  I love you, Lady Gaga.

Comments

Breanna said:

I watched about 15 seconds of that Kardashian show once (no, I don't know why), and it was an episode filmed before Kourtney had her baby, and Scott was SUCH. A JERK. I couldn't take it. 15 seconds in and I can already tell he's worthless. This does not bode well for something important like, I don't know, parenthood.

Nicki E. said:

And Lady Gaga wants to get preggers, too! http://digg.com/music/Lady_Gaga_Wants_to_Be_Knocked_Up

DJRM said:

So Jessica Simpson wants a pet pig and likes to wear Hannibal-Lecter-just-skinned-someones-face-and-is-wearing-it-as-a-mask...
You know what I completely lost my train of thought while typing that.
The point is Jessica Simpson scares me almost as much as Sarah Palin sometimes but for different reasons.

Tolly said:

@Breanna - Word on Scott. Was it the episode where the fam is in Vegas for Kim's birthday? (Embarrassing I know that....)

@Nicki - Gaga will be a badass mom, methinks. AND she'll do in vitro.

@DJRM - Haha DJRM I lost your train of thought too, but, still laughed.

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