Do you have a "girl code?"
Posted at 3:55 PM Feb 17, 2010
By Andrea Grimes |
It wasn't until I met two of my fellow dolls--Merritt Martin and Susan Quesal--that I became actual friends with girls. Merritt and Susan apparently both decided, upon meeting me, That We Would Be Friends, And That Was That. (They're both Pisces--coincidence?) And so I'd stop by Merritt's cube at the Dallas Observer to obsess over crushes, and once, she even talked me down from a serious boy-related public crying jag at a bar. And when I met Susan in grad school, we spent our first beer outing talking for literally hours about academia and arms and loving Ryan Adams, and it has turned into a serious friend affair.
Which is all to say, okay, I'm new to this ladyfriends thing, but The Frisky's Girl (Friend) Code is confusing to me. Some advice is good and funny--"Babysit to give a necessary breather." and "Online stalk your friend's crush and/or ex with her, as long as it doesn't get too crazy."--but other parts just have me wondering: do friends really need to be told not to do some of this to each other?
For example, "Tell her when it's time to stop plucking her brows." I understand a little beauty-crit if she asks for it, but this implies that you, Awesome Fashion Lady, cannot be seen in friendship with someone with ugly brows/hair/shoes/whatever, and you need to tell your friends so. You know what? I love Susan even in her "teacher clothes," i.e. Danskos. And I hope she loves me even in sparkly, stripper-green eyeshadow up to my brows.
Similarly, "Don't let your friends go out if they look horrible." If I obeyed this rule with my girlfriends, I would never have had even one delicious, mascara-smeared brunch with Bloody Marys and night-before horror stories.
And this: "Always be wiling to pass her a tampon." What kind of asshole are you if you have a tampon and your best friend needs one, but you won't give her one? Seriously?
Then, there's "Don't rub your new guy in her single face." Because all single women are sad and on the prowl, and seeing a friend with a boyfriend will no doubt send a BFF into a spiral of drugs and depression? Alternately, if a ladyfriend is being obnoxious and gloating about her boyfriend, it might be time to back off from the relationship, anyway. Or, you know, just speak up and tell her what's wrong and talk it out.
And then there are a whole bunch of common-sense, just-being-a-good-normal-person pieces of code:
Don't tell your friends' secrets.If you really need those last three pieces of advice, I wonder if you even have friends.
Don't bail by sending a text message 15 minutes before you're supposed to be somewhere.
Don't gossip about your friends.
In fact, Susan and I have been compiling a list of friendship rules over the course of knowing each other. So far, we have "No throwing fits in public" and "Lie to me," as in, if you do some dumb but harmless things you know I'll roll my eyes at, just keep it to yourself.
Dolls, do you have friendship rules with your buds?
Comments
The no gossip rule, I think, is kind of iffy. Wait! Hear me out! The code of friendship is not a code of silence. Obviously you're not really a friend if you're being snide or derisive when talking about your girlfriends, but gossip can actually reinforce relationships in a group of friends. It strengthens the community bond and makes information sharing easier between members of the group.
There are, I think, two related, more specific rules that are set in stone:
1. Don't spread unsubstantiated rumors, lie, or say bitchy things about a friend.* That's a real no-brainer.
2. If she tells you something in confidence, it ends with you. If you think you might want to tell your S.O. or your mother, ask her, "Well can I at least tell my S.O./mother?" If she says no, the secret dies with you.
*That doesn't mean that you can't tell anyone else if you and your friend have an argument. Talking about it can help you work it out. Also, good mutual friends can help mediate, if necessary.
Posted 02/17/2010 at 08:36:25 PMActually, I just read the intro more carefully, and it is HILARIOUS! Sad, too, but funny. She says she generated this list because she was thinking about the ways that her friend that she's feuding with has hurt her.
She's actually breaking a pretty basic girlfriend rule: Don't be passive-aggressive.
Posted 02/17/2010 at 08:41:26 PMI will tell a friend she looks horrible if by horrible I mean that she is dressed inappropriately for the event we are about to go to, too casual or too dressy. I also told a friend once that the dress she wanted to wear to a wedding was too sexy because it showed a lot of leg and cleavage and you never want to dress sexier than the bride.
Posted 02/18/2010 at 05:30:49 AMMy girlfriends and I promised to tell each other when we don't look good. We work for the govt and see a lot of zany fashion mistakes. We promised never to let each other become lifers and wear pantyhose with athletic socks and sneakers.
Posted 02/18/2010 at 07:12:48 AMComicshhopgrl - That's hysterical. I made my bff's promise to hit me real hard if they ever saw me do the sneakers/socks thing on my way to the office. Fortunately, I think it's generation but I'm an UGG chick, so it might be just as bad.
I really liked this article and I have known a ton of women who are quite similar in that they never bothered to have female friends until they were adults. I've had two best friends since age 4 and have continued to collect more throughout the years. They have made my life so much better it astounds me but the truth is, aside from some rules to live by no matter who the person is:
Mutual respect
Trust
Honesty (but not to the point of unnecessary nastiness - rock that green eye shadow if you like it)
I maintain rules based on the individual and I've managed to keep a tight network of best friends for the last 20 years. It's as simple as the acknowledgement that we should be cognizant of the people we care about that keeps them around though.
Andrea - your friends are lucky to have you.
Posted 02/18/2010 at 07:59:05 AMI just read the post on the Pelosi pinata and it got me to thinking about all the ways women are competitive with one another and undermine the whole "sisterhood solidarity" thing that we need in order to present a united front against the patriarchy. So I'd add that being a real girlfriend means not judging your friends, accepting them for who they are, and most importantly, trusting them. I've been in so many group situations where the woman perceived to be the biggest slut--or even just the prettiest of the bunch--is snubbed and gossiped about, even if she hasn't done anything wrong (and having multiple sexual partners isn't wrong, just throwing that out there). Comments like, "I wouldn't leave my boyfriend alone in the same room as her" come from a level of bullshit that's astounding to hear. If you feel threatened by another woman's sexual history or appearance, you're the problem, not her.
Posted 02/18/2010 at 09:01:01 AMThis is a general rule, but I like to apply it to friendships:
Don't follow any advice ever given by Lucinda Rosenfeld. :)
Just kidding (mostly). The big rule I follow with my friends is the same rule I try to follow with my boyfriend, because I hope to have them for the same amount of time (er - forever).
Don't say anything you can't come back from. In other words, even if you get into a fight over something, watch what you say, because after you're out of the heat of the moment, if you regret anything you said, it's impossible to take it back. So think about what you say, and if it's necessary and/or hurtful, and how much of both. It might be hurtful to tell your friend she's acting like an asshole, but if she is, you probably should.
Posted 02/18/2010 at 09:36:45 AMMy bff and I went to high school with a girl who always wore pants waaaaay too small for her. No one ever said anything to the girl, and one inevitable day, her pants split. We vowed to always be brutally honest with each other. Sometimes we ignore the other's warning, but at least its a head's up before tragedy strikes.
Posted 02/19/2010 at 11:37:47 AM