10 Things We Would Actually Like to See Shrinked and Pinked

Posted at 5:00 AM Feb 10, 2010

By Andrea Grimes

"Shrink it and pink it."

It's the age-old (er, years-old?) mantra of techno-creators trying to market products to stupid, technophobic, incapable and barely functional women who run kicking and screaming from anything with a screen, plug or battery. That's what happens when women encounter technology, right? Our lady-brains explode?

But my computer, car and television all serve me just fine without being bitty or rose-toned, even though I have a vagina. (Try and wrap your mind around it! It's hard!) So I have a suggestion for shink-and-pinkers worldwide: quit shrinking-and-pinking things just because you want to sell them to women, and shrink and pink these things instead. (And before you get mouthy: Why isn't Infinite Jest on this list? Because it goes without saying.)

10. Republicans

Seriously, imagine if everyone in this video was little and pink. Not only would Republicans be more lovable, they would probably be actual fun to watch, instead of sad, face-palming fun to watch.

9. Kittens

My proudly fat, proudly brown tabby cat Whiskey would probably hate me for this. Good thing he can't read. (But he can Tweet? What?)

8. Cigarettes

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I mean, we're already halfway there.

7. The "Kittens Inspired By Kittens" girl, and the kittens in that book, too.

If your heart doesn't already explode with happiness when you watch "Kittens Inspired By Kittens," consider what this would be like if everything in this video was shrank and panked. No heart melting, still? Well, you don't have one.

6. Racists

Would the KKK be quite as intimidating if they were scurrying around underfoot in pink-toned sheets?

5. Clitorises

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JUST KIDDING THAT WOULD BE REALLY MEAN.

4. Bears

A bloody, vicious attack by a little pink bear? Yes, please. Et tu, Stephen Colbert?

3. Specula

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2. The national debt

Oh, tiny pink national deficit! You are so cute! We should give some of you to China because you are so 'dorbels.

1. Tucker Max

It would really bring out his eyes. And the size of his gigantic ego. And the size of his dick ... which could be as big or small as any person wanted it to be, but it would still belong to this assface.