What would the cast of 'Empire Records' do?: The Conan conundrum

Posted at 8:00 AM Jan 14, 2010

By Tolly Moseley

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Remember when Gin Blossoms completely rocked your world? Remember when Ethan Embry was the adorable little skater boy of your dreams? Remember when music stores existed? Friends, I think you and I are talking about the same thing. I think we're talking about Empire Records!

Back when Liv Tyler was just Alicia Silverstone's sidekick in all those Aerosmith videos, and back before dirty words like "Napster" existed, I dreamed of working at Empire Records. A place where you could stomp around in your Doc Martens while screaming "DAMN THE MAN!" A place where you could throw rock concerts on the roof and spontaneous dance parties with customers inside, pumping up your Toad the Wet Sprocket like you just didn't care. Fuck yeah, Empire Records! This ain't no Music Town!

So who better than the kicky cast of this '90s dramedy to proffer bits of wisdom on Conan O'Brien? Conan, as you may recall, is facing a similar "damn the man" moment himself. (Pause. Rather than simply linking to that article - on ABC News - I feel compelled to copy and paste it's full title: "Conan O'Brien Swings at NBC, Calls Network a 'Pimp' and Himself a 'Ho.")

Anyhoo, faced with such a grave corporate and network debacle, what would the cast of Empire Records do?

Bet the money at Atlantic City.  Hey Conan, guess what?  You can sell music but you don't have to sell out. Have you tried raiding the NBC money safe, and betting it double or nothing at a classy little joint I like to call The Rouge Flamingo?  May I remind you that a bold and courageous act can change the course of history?  Sure, Rory Cochran lost the money, but in its place a far more menacing version of Anthony LaPaglia (if there is such a thing!) appeared.  And that's exactly what NBC needs right now: Anthony LaPaglia to show them what's what.

Seduce Rex Manning.  There's only one way to handle this Conan, and it is by making your demands clear.  You have to bring Rex his lunch. You NEED to bring Rex his lunch. YOU ARE BRINGING REX HIS LUNCH! Just make sure a young, slutty Renee Zellweger doesn't swoop in and steal him from you.  What would the networks think then?

Glue quarters to the floor.  Some people just don't understand.  Sometimes Conan, we are all alone in this world.  That's why we must take to the hot glue gun and make an artistic statement by glueing quarters to the floor.  You don't feel that you need to explain your art to Warren, that twerpy shoplifting kid, or any of the suits at NBC for that matter.  Trust me on this one.

Shave your head. Way before Britney did it, Robin Tunney was doing it.  She, like you, was tired of being invisible, Conan.  Are you near a bathroom?  Are The Martinis playing?  Good.  Pick up your scissors and your electric razor, and kiss those red locks goodbye.  This will definitely get NBC's attention.  

Throw a fundraiser rock show.  Preferably on a roof.  A balls-to-the-wall performance that may require you to sing "Sugar High," may require you to wear a supremely short skirt, and, yes, may require you to don a scrunchie.  But it's worth it, Conan!  It's worth it to save Empire Records!  I mean...The Tonight Show.