Is there such a thing as a platonic friendship between dudes and ladies?
Posted at 12:50 PM Jan 07, 2010
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Erin writes:
As a girl who has a male roommate (it's just the two of us) and plenty of totally platonic male friends (none of whom I'm interested in boning), I'm a life-long member of the It's Possible camp.I, too, have always been in the "It's Possible" camp, having had a number of male friends that I have no desire to sleep with. (Heck, sometimes I even actually sleep with people I don't really have a desire to sleep with. But that's a whole other therapy session.) Thing is, there's a problem with asking this question at all: it's impossible to really, empirically know how someone feels about you, regardless of their gender. All you can know for sure is how you feel about them. And even that gets messy.
As a woman who really enjoys watching sports and whose main hobby is stand-up comedy, I spend an awful lot of time in the company of men. And I can say with confidence that I don't want to sleep with very many of them. And so I'm tempted to say that yes, platonic friendships are completely possible. However, I just don't know how they feel about me. I assume they feel mainly the same way that I do: most of them probably don't want to screw me and just like hanging out, while a few of them might want to get some horizontal time.
The problem is, the magic ideal of the platonic friendship makes it hard to tell which is which. Because the platonic friendship is valued as a fun, grown-up thing to have, there's probably a fair bit of feeling-stifling going on. More than we'd like to admit. Your platonic dude friend could be harboring a secret crush, but hiding it really well to preserve the friendship he knows would crash and burn if he spilled the beans. And likewise, I am friends with several dudes that I would not hesitate to bed, should the opportunity arise, and I suspect that almost none of them know it.
I reckon we are in more non-platonic platonic friendships than we're willing to admit. The question is, as long as nothing's going on and the friendship behaves as if it is platonic, even if there are secret feelings, is that a platonic friendship? If it looks and tastes and smells and sounds platonic, does it really matter if one person kinda doesn't want it to feel platonic?
(In unrelated news, HOOK 'EM HORNS.)
Comments
Coming from the side of being single with a lot of female friends, single and otherwise, to the side of taken and happy to be, it's complicated. Or maybe not. When I was single I would have probably slept with 90% of my single friends, but NEVER one that was in a relationship.
Once I had a relationship of my own, that's all gone away for me. I only want to sleep with onebody. I never thought it would work like that.
Everythings more complicated for girls as they mature. Sleeping with an old friend may have been a big no-no when you were 23, but at 27 is no problem, even a goal sometimes. I think guys often see a friendship as an opportunity to either bang a girl, or her hot friends. And pretty much all guys are the same: hungry and horney.
I think most of the time girls recognize that, and are either flattered, totally unattracted and put off, or use it to their advantage.
Posted 01/07/2010 at 01:31:34 PMI'm male, and about 90% of my platonic female friends are exes. I think that helps. There's no tension, because it's over, it didn't work, and we moved on.
Posted 01/07/2010 at 02:38:57 PMThe idea of a platonic friendshiP I think makes more sense to ask, "am I going to try to sleep with this person?" Not "do I want to sleep with this person?" I have a idea that people are generally only friends with members of the opposite sex they are at least somewhat attracted to on some level, and that friendship is only a small degree away from more then friendship. Platonic friends exist, but truly platonic friends less so. I probably would have slept with every female friend I have ever had, espcially if it would have ruined the friendship, and I would wager many women feel the same way. If you could throw the friendship in another world, bang each and then come back and still be friends without any weirdness, I think most people would do it. Unless of course the friends is just Plato ugly.
Posted 01/07/2010 at 04:25:28 PMYou've basically summed it up perfectly. The only thing I have to add is that it is so hard when you have a crush on a friend. Do you tell him and run the risk of ruining the friendship or do you keep quiet and suffer the pain of never letting your feelings out?
Posted 01/08/2010 at 04:33:57 AMIt's completely possible. For our wedding we gave up on the whole groomsmen/bridemaids, since almost all my good friends are females. I just get along with them better, since I generally don't care for "macho" guys.
Posted 01/08/2010 at 04:58:35 AMThis one is really a possible thing I am very fond of girls and I like to stand between all girls they are with me an enjoy .This one is really nice
Posted 01/09/2010 at 01:47:24 AMI think it's possible. All my friends have been male since grade school. (So, I guess the fact that we grew up together factors into it bit.)
Posted 01/09/2010 at 11:24:05 AMAt this point in time, someone might jump at it, just out of lack of experience but I'm referred to as a 'plant'. As far as they're concerned, I'm not thought of as a sexual being.
My best friend is a guy. I was the "best lady" at his wedding. When we were in college we decided to kiss and see if there was anything there. We both pulled back pretty quick and said, "Nope, that was kinda icky." That was that. You just have to know where each other stands, and finding some one sexually attractive is different than wanting to be in a romantic relationship with them.
Posted 01/12/2010 at 12:55:10 PM