Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 25, 2010
By Susan Quesal
I'm not going to lie, Dolls: I love an Italian man. And generally speaking, the more embarrassing the better. Oh, sure, I had my crush on Robert Deniro when I saw Taxi Driver and on Al Pacino in The Godfather, but I would take Scott Baio or Tony Danza over those two any day. Which is why I was hesitant to start watching MTV's Jersey Shore when friends recommended it to me. I know my Achilles' heel, guys.
It started with the Funny or Die skit starring The Situation, Snooki, and Pauly. I'd never seen an episode of Jersey Shore proper, but the minute I saw The Situation don those glasses and sincerely state, "I fear my character The Situation is like a lone orphan boy lost in a meadow, and I know not how to guide him home," I was IN. LOVE. Self-deprecating humor? From a reality star? Awesome. After the semester ended, I started watching episodes online at MTV.com, and things only got worse. "NOW HE'S COOKING??" I tweeted. I put a #guidoswoon hashtag on that shit. And then (**SPOILER ALERT**) he fell hard for Sweetheart and couldn't have her and got all sad about it and UGH MARRY ME THE SITUATION. That guy is going through a thing right now, but I'll tell you what, in about 5 years he's going to make someone the best wife they can imagine. AND I WANT IT TO BE ME.
So in the hopes that Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino reads ladyblogs or at least Googles himself, here is an open letter to him (TO YOU, MIKE) regarding our future together, disguised as a top 10 list for Heartless Doll. Without further ado, the top 10 situations in which I want to find myself with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.
10) At the gym in booty shorts
I've never had an ass, but I bet Mike "Assistant Manager of a Gym Until My Reality TV Career Takes Off" Sorrentino could build me one with a 3,000-calorie-a-day diet and hundreds and hundreds of squats. Then I could wear those cute booty shorts like a real guidette. If only my hair had enough body to rock a poof.
9) In the studio recording his rap single
The Situation recently confided in me via being on the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien that he had been offered the opportunity to record a rap song (Conan said, "I like you, I want to help you, don't do it,") but I think part of being a supportive partner is letting your S.O. follow his dreams all the way into the ground. I will gladly sit in the studio drinking Andre in a (faux) fur coat while Mike lives out his rap star fantasies. I don't need much convincing to drink Andre.
8) At a strip club in 2004 when Mike would have actually been accessible to me
That's right, ladies. The Situation used to be part of an all-male revue called "All American Male" (YEAH he is). TMZ reported that he "gave a great lap dance." I would totally purchase a little "face time" with the Situation, especially back in 2004 when it was probably like $20 a song. My 2004 lap dance song of choice? A tie between "Confessions Part II" by Usher and "Freek-A-Leek" by Petey Pablo. I keep it classy.
7) "Cooking" some "sausages"
No, but seriously, have you seen this guy cook? He makes these crazy meals for everyone in the house like he's either the best dad-in-training ever or like he's a guy who had to take care of himself and his family from a young age. Either way, I'm totally, totally, TOTALLY into whatever he just put in that pan with those peppers. I could make Aunt Chrissy's New York-Style Cheesecake for dessert and we could drink good wine and eat bread with gravy (by which I mean marinara, see how hip I am??) and stay up talking over coffee. IT WOULD BE AWESOME.
6) Role-playing Tony and Carmela
I'll get acrylic nails, he can get fat (or not), and we can stand in the kitchen talking about AJ's problems at school and Meadow's boyfriend until our anger becomes an unstoppable torrent of passion rolling through our spacious suburban home. Oooh, do those ducks make you sad? Mmm, tell me about it. Yeah, eat that proscuitto dipped in mayo and talk about how I can't invest in real estate because you want to take care of me. They are totally going to revoke my feminist card for that one, but it would be so hot.