Top 10 Reasons Anthropologie Makes Me Feel Very, Very Insecure
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 14, 2009
By Tolly Moseley
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Oh, Anthropologie. Could you be any cuter? Your aprons. Your twee prints. Your dainty measuring cups and spoons. It's almost enough to make me blow off work, just so I can stay home and bake a cake! (While looking fabulous).
But I've got news, Anthropologie. In addition to being cute, I think you are terrifying. See, behind your delicate, feminine facade, there lies judgment. Martha Stewart-laced-with-Gwyneth Paltrow judgment. As I sit here writing this in my Target sweatpants, I feel like less and less of a True Lady with each click through your beautiful website. Here are 10 reasons why.
10. Because I can't mix prints
Listen, if you can't mix prints at Anthropologie, you're fucked. Paisley and polka dots? Stripes and plaid? Ack, I don't know!! Is there a "How to Effortlessly Combine Prints" memo floating about? If so, I never got it.
9. Because I don't understand some (many) of your products
Alright, answer me this Anthropologie: Felt and soap. Felt...and...soap? What? How does it work? Is the soap, like, woven into the felt? Is this how rich people bathe? So many questions. Questions that I, as a pedestrian bather, am not prepared to answer.
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8. Because you make my vices seem classier than they really are
And by vices I mean "drinking." I'm sorry Anthropologie, but I just don't feel right shooting tequila out of this adorable little buck. It feels wrong. I mean...it's an innocent woodland creature. Let's keep the fairytale sphere separate from the crunk sphere, K?
7. Because your "sleepwear" looks suspiciously like proper outfits
So, I see we've dispensed with a T-shirt and sweatpants to bed. Is this how we're doing it now? Going to sleep in a prim little dress? Because this is nicer than the stuff I wear to work. And just like that: two more bars raised, right out of my unfashionable reach.
Anthropologie, was I wrong all these years to trust the straight seam? That stalwart, predictable edge of finished fabric? Apparently I was, because you put ruffles on EVERYTHING. Shirt collars, scarves, shoes. I own no ruffles, and yet...ruffles are whimsical! Ruffles are girly! Ruffles represent my profound failure to the female gender because I don't have any. Thanks, Anthropologie.
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Jebus, seriously Anthropologie? Do people measure out their flour and organic buckwheat and whatever using demure art objects? No corner of the home is safe from your pervasive good taste. Looking at my chipped Pyrex, I just feel like giving up.
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Comments
Yes and yes! Also, if you lay your hands on the prints mixing memo, pass that bad boy on. I am clueless. =)
Posted 12/14/2009 at 08:28:52 AMAlso, is it just me or do all the clothes in Anthro run small? I basically stick to their housewares because I can't fit into any of those mixable prints.
Posted 12/14/2009 at 08:35:10 AMyes, yes, and yes!
Posted 12/14/2009 at 10:08:36 AMHowever, I want those charming little measuring cups, even if I'm going to have to hide them on a high shelf to protect them from thestress of daily life.
I had a coworker who pronounced it "an-throw-puh-lah-hee." Far more offensive was when she thought that my very stylish wife would actually want something from there for Christmas.
Posted 12/14/2009 at 11:05:21 AMYes to number 1, if I ever bought anything from there I would never wear it out of fear that it couldn't survive the stress of my daily life.
Posted 12/14/2009 at 12:50:35 PMI'm also pretty sure the man who owns Anthropologie (and Urban, and Free People) sent copious amounts of money to the Prop 8 campaign.
Posted 12/14/2009 at 03:56:44 PMHere is my print-combo tip for youse ladies: Stay in the same color family and combine a delicate print (say, tiny blue polka dots) with a bold print (say, large blue florals).
Also, as an eBay clothes buyer and seller, I advise you to turn to thrift stores and eBay for your Anthro fix. I have bought and sold many Anthro labels (odille, sleeping on snow, rain, etc.) for very little $.
And, I have to say, the felted soap is adorable. It's like a scrubby with soap built right in! But you don't have to pay $14 for it, you can SUPER-easily make your own (http://www.mielkesfarm.com/felt_soap.htm).
Posted 12/15/2009 at 10:40:24 AMCute article - so true!
(they do have good sales sometimes, though! And I love the eBay suggestion)
Posted 12/21/2009 at 07:33:55 AM