Not getting raptured, and other consequences of using condoms
Posted at 3:39 PM Dec 02, 2009
By Andrea Grimes
You've probably been keeping up with the Stop Stupak day of action, reading up on mammograms, watching the surprise! kitty or other worthwhile things all day long, so we understand if you missed the biggest news of all: if you use a condom, you will not be raptured. The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse has the scoop:
If you use a condom:
- You are 98% likely to not get pregnant, and therefore will never know the special ladyjoy of having a child you didn't want or couldn't support.
- You are 85% likely to not get HIV/AIDS, and therefore will not be smote down by God's holy and special punishment for whores and gays and other heathens.
- You don't have to go do the creepy stand-over-the-toilet-and-let-goo-squeelsh-out thing.
- Alternately, no wet spot.
- Sarah Palin cries.
- Tiger Woods will never have another affair.
- Lloyd Dobbler will just keep standing outside that window blaring Peter Gabriel.
- You will have peace of mind about telling your future partners you always have safe sex.
- Lindsay Lohan will get and stay sober.
- You will experience the joy of your cat inevitably finding the prophylactic in the trash can and having a fun, free toy to play with.
- Whatever it is Lady Gaga is getting at will finally make sense to you.
- Daddy will come home.
- Bella will wise up, go to college and wonder what she ever saw in that creepy, sparkly dude.
- It will become physically impossible to photograph Jon Gosselin.
Comments
Why does he keep swiveling his head like that??
Posted 12/02/2009 at 05:09:48 PMHilarious.
That 98% pregnancy prevention rate is a little misleading, though. The most commonly cited failure rates are for typical use, which, according to WHO, are about 10%-14%. With perfect use, male latex condoms are about 97% effective at preventing pregnancy (again, according to WHO).
Add them to the long list of things I'd be burning in hell for if I believed in such things.
Posted 12/02/2009 at 05:41:35 PMI keep expecting Marge Gunderson to walk into the frame pointing a pistol at him. Well, I've you've ever used contraception or even just pulled out (not effective, of course), I guess you're already screwed (no pun intended), so may as well keep using it...
Posted 12/02/2009 at 05:46:26 PMIt sounded like he was giving advice on properly filling out a tax form. "If you were a condom and do not file out the white IB-24 form in triplicate not only will you not be raptured but you will also have to wait until the end of the next financial year to claim back sales tax on business recipts."
Posted 12/03/2009 at 04:01:04 AMwould i still get raptured if the condom is ruptured?
Posted 12/03/2009 at 11:16:30 AM@ebony
You get half-raptured for a ruptured condom. Your head goes to hell (for thinking of using a condom), but your ladybits go to heaven (for nipping that shizz right in the bud).
Posted 12/04/2009 at 02:19:45 PMMy jaw dropped open when he talked about the "Planned Parenthood method of 'withdrawl'." Since when has pull-and-pray *ever* been considered an acceptable method by Planned Parenthood?
Posted 12/05/2009 at 10:13:48 AMMan, God is a MEAN bastard if he sends people to limbo for all that!
Posted 12/30/2009 at 08:02:18 PM