10 Signs Your New Year's Eve Is Not Going So Well
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 30, 2009
By Andrea Grimes
 |
It seems only yesterday you were downing glasses of Cold Duck, hoping to forget the family that fate has assigned you as you opened a thoughtful gift of ... well, maybe after you read the instruction booklet you'll figure out what that thing is for. Oh, how the time flies! New Year's Eve is but a day away, and we hope you have your sparkly things, your noise-making things and your kissy things in full working order.
Because chances are, your New Year's will suck. Your new year itself may be wonderful, but the eve is famous for disasters and letdowns. Here's a handy compendium of signs your holiday may not be going so well--keep an eye out, and if anything on this list pops up, head home to that bottle of André in the fridge, and just fall asleep on the couch in your underwear.
Bottoms up!
 |
10. There's a bet going as to whether you're impersonating KISS or Lady Gaga
The gold lamé bodysuit with the pleather leggings and studded six-inch heels sounded like a fine idea when you were prancing willy-nilly throughout the mall, picking up every sparkly thing you saw. And then somebody started the betting pool. If this is not explicitly a costume party, know that those people are not laughing with you, friend.
9. You have eaten something that didn't come off a tray, plate or platter
Mmmm, sofa pizza. Linty, with just the slightest bouquet of cat hair.
 |
8. You counted down to midnight with a presenter on the home shopping channel.
True story.
How cool was I in junior high? One year I sat around watching QVC with my parents on New Year's Eve, and we rang in the new year to a Diamonique marathon. At least the on-air talent had little kazoo-horns, so the sound of other kids in the neighborhood setting off fireworks and causing a ruckus was drowned out. Oh, who am I kidding? I heard their sparkling, tinkling laughter echoing in my ears for years to come.
7. You are crying.
Why are you crying? Quit being the crying person. Jesus.
 |
6. You are Tweeting at midnight.
Social networking and perpetually connected social media apps have allowed us to stay in touch with all our friends, all the time. And so it seems natural to Tweet, come midnight. But Tweeting on New Year's Eve is not like Tweeting on Christmas or Thanksgiving or No Pants Day. Those holidays last for hours (depending somewhat on your skill at not wearing pants, I suppose). But ringing in the new year lasts for literally one second. You're going to spend it staring at your iPhone? Tweet after midnight. Tweet before. But look up with your own two eyes and enjoy the sheer magic of being alive and shitfaced at 12:00 a.m.
Comments
Amy here from Planned Parenthood of Northern New England. Hilarious post. Very nicely done. I think we all know the person that cries every year on New Year's Eve (if you're me, it happens to be your best friend and you spend half the evening wiping the glittery trail of mascara from her face...but hey, that's what BFF's are for, right?). Wanted to let you know we're also doing a NYE piece tomorrow on our blog entitled, "The 3 Commandments for Hooking Up on New Years Eve." Hope you get a chance to check it out http://www.consensualtext.org Happy New Year!
Posted 12/30/2009 at 07:36:12 AMAMEN on #1, they should up the fines and jail time for DUIs on NYE just for stupidity.
And #5... does hitting the drive through on foot at 4am and then yelling at the order speaker because they are closed and you're too shitfaced to realize it count? Cause...uh...a "friend" did that once and wants to know...
Posted 12/30/2009 at 08:24:44 AMSee, this is why you throw the party yourself. No place to need to get carried off to, and no pity party on the couch.
Plus, you have a cab number handy to make sure no one's a jackass going home. No friends getting wrapped around a telephone pole on NYE always improves the holiday.
Posted 12/30/2009 at 08:56:35 AM#2 sounds so sad... primarily because it sounds so possible.
Posted 12/30/2009 at 10:30:49 AMGreat list! (and can people stop promoting their sites in the comments? There are tips/contact email addresses on the side and everything!)
Manobon -
#2 sounds so possible because it is exactly what I have planned, minus the running out of Yellowtail part. :)
Posted 12/30/2009 at 10:34:15 AM#2 was what I had planned but, thankfully, I ended up not being trapped 300 miles away from my friends. Awesome list...and important points noted.
Posted 12/31/2009 at 03:32:57 AMYou need to have your own ways to enjoy so better dont cry on split milk.
Posted 12/31/2009 at 08:52:11 AMI think I did like four of these things.
Crap.
Posted 01/01/2010 at 10:49:08 AM