10 Christmas Songs That Should Freak You, As A Lady, Out
Posted at 5:00 AM Dec 07, 2009
By Andrea Grimes
While you're rocking around the Christmas tree or having a blue Christmas or watching that damned dreidel spin around with no end in sight, have a listen to the background music. That is, if you can stand hearing that Andrea Bocelli-Celine Dion duet one more time without going postal on the unsuspecting shoppers and family members around you. Some Christmas songs are not full of cheer. Some Christmas songs are full of creepiness, sexism and lock-your-doors-and-shut-the-windows. Here they are.
10. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Apart from being one of the worst songs of all time, this crap Christmas tune tries to act like there's something funny about sending your drunk, demented grandmother to walk home alone on Christmas eve in the snow. How about not being proud of creepy-ass Grandpa for being more concerned with beer and cards than mourning his wife?
9. Away In A Manger
If there's something awesome about being so broke you have to give birth in a barn among a bunch of nasty farm animals in front of some guy who isn't even your actual babbydaddy who also just made you ride a donkey for like a million miles so he can check into some bullshit Big Brother government survey, I'd like to know what it is. Not only does Away In A Manger romanticize poverty, but, uh, "Be near me Lord Jesus," it's also kind of about wanting a little baby to watch you all the time.
8. Bring A Torch, Jeanette, Isabella
Get your own fucking torch, asshole.
7. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Listen to this Bright Eyes version and pretend it's not a heartwarming song about friends and family, but a passive-aggressive, sarcastic dig from an ex-boyfriend. Hilarity ensues.
6. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Oh, surprise. Mommy wants a fat old guy with lots of schwag. Have the decency to get a room and keep your boring gender stereotypes to yourself, Mom. And quit tickling Santa. Grodie.
Comments
I did have a male friend refer to "Baby, It's Cold Outside" as the "Date Rape For Christmas Song". Cringe!
Posted 12/07/2009 at 07:05:46 AMA little bit off-topic, but I'm connecting it to what you want for Xmas....
The past few purchases I've made through Amazon have all been covered and I've just needed to pay for shipping. I don't know why, I don't know how. For right now, I'm just going with it, and enjoying the benefits.
Posted 12/07/2009 at 07:05:48 AM'have yourself a ...' will never be the same again! XD
Posted 12/07/2009 at 08:47:05 AMMmmmmm... whiskey & hot wings
Posted 12/07/2009 at 09:30:07 AMI just realized this year that Eartha Kitt is begging for anal sex in "Santa Baby," with that whole "hurry down my chimney tonight." It's like Pixar wrote a Christmas song.
Posted 12/07/2009 at 10:38:21 AMThis stirred up a memory of doing a Christmas service project at a nursing home. Someone had brought a boombox and some CDs to play Christmas songs while we did crafts (or something) with the old folks, and man, we all froze in horror when "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" came blaring out.
You didn't mention "Jingle Bells"—the second verse depicts a sleighing accident, in which the victims are either tossed out of the sleigh or end up drinking themselves into oblivion after getting stuck in a snowbank (depending on how you interpret "upsot")
Posted 12/07/2009 at 11:06:30 AMI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus if you listen to the lyrics Santa is not Santa but dad dressed up like Santa. Mommy and Daddy role playing song...even better.
Posted 12/07/2009 at 11:50:10 AMInteresting. So giving "Santa" your fantasy Christmas list isn't acceptable (guess you better break that to the kids). Nor is just settling for being with the one you love (it's not them, it's you, right?).
Nay, the holidays are apparently all about putting your fantasy joking-but-not-really (cause who are we kidding?) Christmas list neatly in a loosely related blog post, and hoping for the best. That, or being too drunk to care come the 25th.
Posted 12/07/2009 at 11:55:27 AMI'm amazed that "Mary, Did You Know...?" didn't make the list. That song has always creeped me out since I always imagined it being sung by the Three Shepherds as Mary is in the middle of giving birth. Without drugs.
Posted 12/07/2009 at 12:58:05 PMI've never been more creeped out than by "Back Door Santa" (Bon Jovi version) and how Jon assures the ladies everywhere that he's not like Santa Claus, because "[Santa] only comes once a year."
Ew.
Also, I never want to hear "Down In Yon Forest" again! Ack!
Posted 12/07/2009 at 01:30:25 PMseconding "mary did you know". there is a man at my parents' church who has sung that song at every christmas eve service for the fifteen years since we started going there. i will bet you large sums of money that randy aton will sing "mary did you know" at christmas eve service 2009. and i will be there. oh, will i be there.
Posted 12/07/2009 at 05:07:13 PMI was doing some internet research to make a humorous joke on this topic (and going for a Catholic angle, to boot), but I think the best I can do is suggest that you go this page and hit 'play' on every mp3 file in quick succession. Your pious ears will thank me at the sound of 6 simultaneous midi renditions of Catholic hymns.
http://midicatholic.homestead.com/grace.html
Posted 12/08/2009 at 09:57:59 AMGreat list!
Posted 12/09/2009 at 12:56:50 PMJust heard Baby, It's Cold Outside today, too. I like to call it the "Let's stay and fuck, instead." song.