Posted at 3:28 PM Nov 19, 2009
By Andrea Grimes
When it comes to Robert Pattinson characters, I'd rather be romanced by Cedric Diggory than Edward Cullen--especially since, at this point, Cedric love would be zombie love, which is > vampire love. Twilight rubbed me the wrong way from the very beginning, so on the eve of this New Moon, I am loving Dazzle Me This, Mr. Vampire, a Twi-hating blog written by two anonymous women who are, amazingly, shitting on Twilight chapter by torturous chapter. They explain:
In the blog entries that will follow, we plan to go through each "Twilight" book chapter by chapter and offer our commentary. "Commentary" can and may include any of the following: a plot synopsis, character psychoanalysis, the best worst quotes, a running tally of the use of the word "dazzle," our alternatives to Meyer's descriptions (especially when it comes to long rooms and crooked smiles), and anything else that comes to mind as we read ...
Lastly, we'd like to add that we are reading these books aloud to each other so we can offer moral support and encouragement along the way. If you are like us, we don't recommend reading these books on your own. It's just too painful. Don't put yourself through that.
The synopses are better than actually reading the books. Of Twilight, chapter one (they skipped the preface, "because it's just too dumb to even write anything intelligent about") they write:
They also list "best worst" lines from each chapter, and man are they doozies. Stuff like this is funny and sad in the book, and even funnier and sadder when taken out of context:
We understand angsty teens are on a hormone-induced crazy train, but the contradictory descriptions throughout the entirety of this book begin in this chapter. (ie: "He turned slowly to glare at me -- his face was absurdly handsome -- with piercing, hate-filled eyes."  Typically, you don't find people who glare at you to be beautiful... ah, well.)
Bella is already annoying us, too. She whines a lot, and tries to make us as readers feel sorry for her. "Oh, I'm so clumsy and awkward and unattractive." Shut up, Bella. Everyone is fawning all over you, and you like it.
"I hadn't realized how hard it was pouring outside. Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats." (358)Face in the palm. Keep it up, ladies!