Twi-hards are not going to twi-like this very much

Posted at 3:28 PM Nov 19, 2009

By Andrea Grimes


When it comes to Robert Pattinson characters, I'd rather be romanced by Cedric Diggory than Edward Cullen--especially since, at this point, Cedric love would be zombie love, which is > vampire love. Twilight rubbed me the wrong way from the very beginning, so on the eve of this New Moon, I am loving Dazzle Me This, Mr. Vampire, a Twi-hating blog written by two anonymous women who are, amazingly, shitting on Twilight chapter by torturous chapter. They explain:

In the blog entries that will follow, we plan to go through each "Twilight" book chapter by chapter and offer our commentary. "Commentary" can and may include any of the following: a plot synopsis, character psychoanalysis, the best worst quotes, a running tally of the use of the word "dazzle," our alternatives to Meyer's descriptions (especially when it comes to long rooms and crooked smiles), and anything else that comes to mind as we read ...

Lastly, we'd like to add that we are reading these books aloud to each other so we can offer moral support and encouragement along the way. If you are like us, we don't recommend reading these books on your own. It's just too painful. Don't put yourself through that.

The synopses are better than actually reading the books. Of Twilight, chapter one (they skipped the preface, "because it's just too dumb to even write anything intelligent about") they write:

We understand angsty teens are on a hormone-induced crazy train, but the contradictory descriptions throughout the entirety of this book begin in this chapter. (ie: "He turned slowly to glare at me -- his face was absurdly handsome -- with piercing, hate-filled eyes." [27] Typically, you don't find people who glare at you to be beautiful... ah, well.)

Bella is already annoying us, too. She whines a lot, and tries to make us as readers feel sorry for her. "Oh, I'm so clumsy and awkward and unattractive." Shut up, Bella. Everyone is fawning all over you, and you like it.

They also list "best worst" lines from each chapter, and man are they doozies. Stuff like this is funny and sad in the book, and even funnier and sadder when taken out of context:

"I hadn't realized how hard it was pouring outside. Edward stood in the halo of the porch light, looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats." (358)
Face in the palm. Keep it up, ladies!


Autumn said:

Definitely agree with you on the Cedric Diggory idea!

VampyChronicles said:

Hey, thanks for the shout-out! We know it's perhaps a little Edward-ish of us (i.e. creepy, and stalker-ish in nature), but every once in a while we like to figure out where our readers are coming to us from, and this site was listed in our blog stats, so we figured we'd check it out. We're so glad that you're amused by our ramblings!

Merritt said:

Cannot wait to dive it to that blog. Awesome.

I agree on the Cedric issue as well. But I will totally admit that I'll see New Moon at some point. I really need to see how they work that soundtrack, Lifetime hasn't put out a movie I've liked recently, so, you know I've been craving pathetic.

bobby said:

I totally remember that when I read Twilight. That the way in which she described the vampires as beautiful was, "They looked like models."

It is written for an audience that, when posed the question, "what is beauty," the answer is not, "the reflection of the sun on a sliver of water in a tropical jungle," or "pink and purply clouds entangled in each other, as if created by Michelangelo..."'s... models. Models are beautiful. They's why they're in magazines.

Rivka said:

Excellent! I have wandered in the Dali-esque Twilight wasteland of bad grammar, sexism and vampiric Catholicism. Honestly, I've read all the books. A few times. It's like I'm stuck on the stupid train with each read-through, and the best part of me thinks "jump off, you know this train is going down in flames!" but a small part protests "wait, I want to see where this crazy Meyer is headed ..." I am a part of the problem.

Catherine said:

I'm going to go to the site now, I love me a good twilight bashing, lol.
However, I must admit, I'm going to see "New Moon" tomorrow. I have many excuses though, my friend Is wanting to see it, I love going to the cinema, seeing the acting in it will make me feel better about my acting capabilities and POPCORN!

BorgQueen said:

Wow, is that dialogue real? I knew Twilight was pretentious and shallow but never this bad. I can't wait to start reading this site! And I second (third? fourth?) the Cedric preference, plus the HP books were awesome.

ZeroCorpse said:

Vampires today are not vampires. They're ELVES that drink blood (and some of them barely do that). They're immortal, beautiful, pale/sparkly, and show no signs of being undead. They're just elves now. `Just blood-drinking Tolkien elves.

Paul said:

"Just blood-drinking Tolkien elves"

Which sounds kinda cool, until you realize that they're still nancing about, having arguements over who's the prettiest, and trying not to get killed by Sam for trying anything.

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