Posted at 5:00 AM Nov 17, 2009
By Kathleen Willcox
Ah, the vagina. It's a miraculous tube! Your wonderful ladyparts can do everything from hold a teeny-weeny tampon in place, to act as the host to a fun little party, to open wide their gates and allow another entire human being to be introduced to this wacky place!
When faced with stupefying events, people and objects, human beings are generally at a loss for words ... and propriety. Which explains the gaggle of totally heinous nicknames for your grand canal.
Below, a round-up of at-times cutesy, but always marvelous, pet names that are completely acceptable, nay! worthy of, your special passage from uterus to vulva, that is destined to be the source of much of your life's past, current and future drama.
10. Beef Curtains
At first glance, this term may seem offensive -- even misogynistic. But seriously, beef curtains? Not only is it wildly hilarious in an irresistible, fourth-grade snarf your soda kind of way, it's actually descriptively quite apropos: they are fleshy, tough but tender (the beef!) and they do flank a rather dramatic stage (the curtains!) Perhaps Filet Mignon Curtains would lend the phrase an increased aura of dignity?
Not only do I want to sing it repeatedly (Hot Pock-et! Hooooot Po-CKET!) to the tune of the notorious jingle, it generally makes me feel sassy and strangely jazzed. This in spite of the fact that I detest the dreadful Nestle concoctions involving microwavable pastry, cheese product and mystery meat - just dreadful. Hoooot Pock-ET!
8. Pink Slip
This is sexiness and femininity with a dose of razzle dazzle power that I find irresistible. Slipping into a pink slip has become my secret little double entendre that I enjoy smirking over to myself on occasion; it's also a lovely way to take the bite out of the other pink slip too many of us have been served in the last year or so.
7. Bearded Clam
Much like Beef Curtains, I feel that I should be offended by this immature appellation for my precious ladyparts, but every time I try to work up some righteous indignation I find myself too busy have giggling fits. How can something that makes me feel so good be wrong?
6. Boner Graveyard
I choose to ignore the rather macabre implications this moniker leaks like a hatchet wound. Instead, I choose to think of it as a happy graveyard full of frolicking ghosts who were happy to leave their current state and head to Nirvana.