Running with Scissors: The Thanksgiving battle that never was

Posted at 11:00 AM Nov 27, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

handturkey.jpg
You all remember the opening scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy is dodging poisoned darts, dead bodies, tarantulas, that whiny dude and giant boulders?

Well, that's the Thanksgiving Holiday in a nut butter shell for the ladies of the healthy blogoverse. So much food, so little control over the calories, so little control over exercise, so much pressure to eat, eat! you're so thin, eat some pie and OMG SO MUCH BUTTER  I GIVE UP I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE NOW THANK YOU SO BLOODY MUCH AMERICA.

It must be absolutely terrifying to be fraught with anxiety and FATTY GRAVY DANGER for these women. Let's take a quick peek into that dark, marshmallow-filled ancient cave of poisoned pies and booby-trapped butterball turkeys. Throw me the idol, my friends, and I'll throw you the Cool Whip.

I don't know what that means, either. I just desperately wanted to use that phrase.
  • "I think it's fun to have something 'fun' like a burrito before all of the heavy Thanksgiving food." [Two Runners And A Brown Dog] Someone needs to redefine their definition of "fun" before they begin acting out and picking up strange dudes at book signings like Brenda in Six Feet Under.
  • "That said, here are my tips for winning the war on Thanksgiving" [Your Nutritionista] I had no idea Thanksgiving was a "war." I thought it was a meal. Does this mean I need to move to Canada in order to avoid the draft? Will I be pardoned? CAN I STILL HAVE PIE?
  • ".. I looked over the menu. The entire menu. And it was quite different from the online version. This unexpected turn of events made me feel rather anxious." [Veggie Girl Vegan] THAT ENTIRE SENTENCE MADE ME ANXIOUS. Honey, put the menu down, take a deep breath, and stop thinking about food for one glorious second of your life. When the world doesn't end and the boulder doesn't crush you, you'll have an epiphany. And some motherfucking garlic mashed potatoes.
  • "After hacking that [pumpkin filling can] to shit, I made homemade pumpkin ice cream for the ice cream cake." [Shedding It] I actually like this girl and I'm going to be thankful for that in honor of the holiday/war.





 

Comments

gizella said:

they have Thanksgiving in Canada too. WILL THE WAR EVER?

Lauren said:

My God Kiala, what don't you know?

You remind me more and more of my step mother n law. Not such a good thing, but it's easy to see where you're headed. Bet your intern is so proud.

MaryMel said:

Oh hey, look everybody! There goes ol' Kiala, being relevant again.

Pal said:

MaryMel, get a grip. The only ones who think Kiala is relevant are her intern and her significant other. They might be one and the same. Only Kiala and her significant intern know.

Andrea said:

MaryMel, Pal, Lauren -

You know we can tell you're posting from the same IP address and using the same e-mail address, right? Of course, maybe you all live at the same house and share the same fake e-mail and hang out posting on the internet all day and night. Maybe.

Pal said:

Got a problem with people using the same internet Andrea? What? Sponsored by FOX? They easily get freaked out too when their motive is questioned.

Maybe you could write an article on why that would upset you. You and Kiala could co-write it with input from the GOP.

The same IP address would matter how exactly, since you don't seem to be able to debate comment, and seem to be more about working to shut down question, under the guise of feminist writing.

Perhaps you should think of renaming this site, "Dolls Who Are Easily Upset by IP Addresses and E-mail Addresses Over Reader Comment and the Truth."; or "Cutie Pie Dolls Asking That Their Readers Don't Question or Think"; or "Passing the Bullshit to our Sisters (and any interested bros)"; or "Fragile Journalists who Can't Stand the Heat and Get Freaked Out When their Articles are Questioned." You chose, oh fragile one's.

Doesn't really matter. Your comments have already been read by the internet, and it appears you're more into IP addresses or email addresses than debate, or questioning your ill researched articles.

Thanks for your input on this term's essay. We'll make sure you get a footnote.

BTW, IP and email addresses aren't a big mystery. It's more the mystery, why this should matter to you, and how vulnerable anyone commenting on your site is, when their opinion is different than the one you try to push.

You proved our point. Thankx.

Crissy said:

Poor Kiala. You are so misunderstood by the mentally ill peoples of the Internet. I'm sorry people suck.

Lauren said:

Truly, poor poor Kiala. She thinks she's got bats in her belfry and ants in her pantry.

MaryMel said:

She might have bats in her belfry, but no way ants in her pantry. Doesn't she now live in the Pac NW? Maybe she's hallucinating on an overdose of chocolate or whateves, and having flashbacks growing up in So Cal. with all the ANTY action down there.

Andrea said:

Lauren/Pal/MaryMel -

I don't have any problem with folks disagreeing with me. In fact, the more the shit gets stirred up and people visit and comment on the blog, the more money I make. So even if I didn't enjoy a good debate, I'd still enjoy the extra cash. But I do believe there's a thoughtful, productive way of disagreeing with someone, and then there's posting virulent personal attacks against a writer under several anonymous names pretending to be several different individuals talking to each other. I'm not sure what you'd call that, exactly, but I don't call it thoughtful or productive.

So while I'm sure it's possible that you've brought up some reasonable critiques of the things we do and say here on HD, the fact remains that you spend most of your time launching highly specific, hate-filled personal insults at Kiala. (And, I suspect, probably me, now.) So when I don't respond to something you've posted, it's because I know that I'm likely asking to be cut down as a person, not as a writer. And I'm not interested in that.

-Andrea

Pal said:

Ants are dormant in So Cal this time of year. Even if she's having some deja fool from repressed days near the Disney Campus, she's off a season or two. Lord only knows what she's seeing in her pantry.

MaryMel said:

Grow up Andrea. Be thankful you're cutting your chops here.

May the Gods help you if you ever go outside of Austin. Austin's ez pizza. Don't blow it, and don't take it so personally, or you're going to end up the same place Kiala is in 12 years.

If you feel threatened in SnarkLand, where will you ever feel safe?

Pal said:

Andrea, WTS!

You write for a site called "Heartless Dolls", then go getting all hormonal on us? Oh yeah, you're just so front line feminista. Wait a minute, come to think of it, don't you live in W's state. Maybe that says it all.

WHOSE YOUR DADDY?

We love giving you hits in the recession. It doesn't cost us anything. Some things on this site could work, but who be runnin the show? You sound more and more like Palin's crowd.

You might have lasting power if a "couple" of your writers actually had some brain power, and one specifically didn't have bats in her belfry and ants in her pantry.

The bigger question is, what are you going to end up reducing yourselves to?
Protectors of Kiala's delusional fantasies, or have the power to get going with your own shit.

The electronic eye is on you, babe. Will you keep working the easy hits or dig in?

Your 15 minutes is about over, and will see how many hits you get when we pull out.

Happy Holidays.

Lauren/MaryMel/Pal said:

Andrea, this is kind of creepy, but are you using Kiala? Like why are you so trespassing on her post?

I mean, we hadn't foreseen this being in our scope, but why are you here anyway? That's like totally whack.

Are you hiring writers who might be able to generate hits, but for whatever reason can't respond, because of whatever?

This is getting so way sick.

Are you by any chance related to a cat from Texas going by the name of BlackCat or something like that? He's also from Texas and uses Kiala's connections when it suits his needs.

Why are you writing on Kiala's site, Andrea? Have you taken over her voice?

Gawd................do we have to call in the CiA?

What's the matter with you Texans anyway? Bible Bible Bible, posing as Heartless Heartless Heartless. Not so ironic, after all.

It's all about politics, people.


MaryMel said:

Of course. Obvious, HD is not a Feminista site.

It's run by big dicks.

Ants in her crown said:

Got that right, MaryMel. Kiala is a big boring dick wishing she wore a crown.

Posing anonymously wherever she and her hypocritical "friends" do their troll work.

Yo! Kiala, whose your daddy?


http://www.vimeo.com/3259291

Dane said:

HAHHAHHAAHAH!!!!

oh.my.god.

she's so insane.

This is HILARIOUS!

Ants in her crown said:

Cool Dane. We knew you'd dig it too.

Even though the lil' woman copies anything and all words and everybody on the web for her lack of content, and nothing she does is original, we knew you, of all people, would find it something for a big HILARIOUS HAHA.

You guys are just so way unawesome, but we keep waiting to google you up and be unimpressed some more.

In the meantime, have fun kids. Maybe this will go viral. Yay! Lucky Blogtown. Didn't they hire her first? Yay Talent Scouts!

All your Pals said:

Buh bye Kiala. It's been fun, but it's time to say so long to HD and your sad little whatever it is you're trying to do here or wherever.

Never forget, we're watching out for your Troll work elsewhere, wherever any of your not so bright besties and YOU comment, and try to do bad things in the name of jealousy and because you think it's cute, but really it's dumb and it's not like you're a legitimate 15 year old on You Tube, showing people how to braid their hair, amirite?

Oh wait, look, we have a good bye gift for you:

Kick the pharmies. You were better without them. Seriously. Go back into your blog, and track the point when you began eating pills. That's where you really started to go downhill. Take up skiing or dance or hiking. Get some oxygen in your brain. Acupuncture is good for the hangzieties.

Also. We know you have a hard on for your twitter, but it's sucking the life right out of you.

Don't waste it on being an ass.


Paul said:

Getting back to the topic at hand, Shrink Geek had an interesting article this weekend.

Despite Thanksgiving being known as the holiday for wolfing down food and sitting around like a slug watching football, the average weight gain for the holiday is one pound.

The study can be found here:

http://www.nichd.nih.gov/news/releases/holidayweightgain.cfm

And the Shrink Geek article can be found here:

http://www.shrinkgeek.com/2009/11/25/the-myth-of-holiday-doom/#more-2166

I hope trolls and bloggers alike had a good Thanksgiving, and let's try to keep the comments clean.

Allison said:

I always love these crazy "fitness and food" blog entries! Srsly, can somebody explain all the canned plain pumpkin and Clif bars these people seem to eat?! It's just SO eating disordered--so sad and so bizarre. (and a little funny)

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