Fox sex advice columnist's pandering tips for men!

Posted at 4:50 PM Nov 12, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

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Straight men of the world, is your hetero lady sex partner not giving you the time and attention you need in bed? It could be because you're a bumbling idiot with no idea how to score in the sack. Luckily, Fox's "Sexpert" is here with seven life-changing, brilliant points that explain why women don't want to sleep with you. I know--some women don't want to sleep with you! Crazy, right? Let's get to the root of the problem--specifically, her problem. Because there is clearly nothing wrong with you, sir, you studly man muffin.

Why aren't you getting the sexytime you deserve?

Fox says: She's afraid that "She'll look 'fat' in her lingerie." Their solution? Buy her Spanx.

HD says: Because in no way will buying your sex partner famously fat-controlling underwear make her wonder if you think she is a giant pile of lard. Nope. No way, no how.

Fox says: She's afraid "He'll notice her cellulite or stretch marks." Their solution? Give her compliments outside the bedroom and suggest non-sex activities you can do together.

HD says: Because the only reason you should give your lady compliments is to get her to shut up about her gross stretch-marks. Suck it up, guys, or she's never going to blow you.

Fox says: She's afraid someone's "Response time is going to be off." The solution:

"Don't get caught up in your experience, make it a shared one"

HD says: Obviously, imagining your woman as an actual human with needs and desires is going to be really hard. But plz plz plz try, okie?

Fox says: She's afraid "She'll get pregnant" or "She'll get an STD." Their solution? Wear condoms!

HD says: Hey, way to go Fox. Really. You should stick to basic, obvious sex advice. Because when you don't ...

Fox says: She's afraid, "He's expecting her to perform like a porn star."
Their solution? "Avoid putting pressure on your partner to act out what you've seen in porn flicks. By suggesting a sex act, don't let her know that you saw it in an X-rated movie -- frame it as your idea ...."

HD says: Because what you want her to think is that you totally thought up that thing with four show ponies, an air horn and an ear of corn all on your own. That will in no way freak her out.

Comments

Lauren said:

"four show ponies, an air horn and an ear of corn all on your own". This tickles me funny, the way it likes to be tickled.

Studly Man Muffin said:

Solution to every sexy point is a skin tight one-sie covered in spermacide and penicillin with a clever saying "don't do fat chicks" on the front proclaiming your affinity of her non-fatness.

The LHS said:

As these are not all terribly usual problems, and if they are, they are of couples who don't really talk to each other or know each other very well, it hints more about the sad, sad life of the original author.

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