Top 10 Crimes Committed Against Womanity by Nightclubs

Posted at 5:00 AM Oct 12, 2009

By Nicki Escudero

Living in a city (Scottsdale, Ariz.) that aspires to be the next Los Angeles when it comes to clubbing it up means I can't really escape the plastic-y vibe that's buzzing outside my door. I'm not one for hitting up nightclubs, but I've definitely done my fair share of playing wingwoman to friends who think that going to the latest and greatest club is a fun time.

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While we do love two-for-one drink nights, those aren't enough to make us want to head to most clubs any time soon, thanks in no small part to these crimes against womanity committed by clubbing.

10. Unexpected foam

Why anyone thinks that foam parties are fun beats me, and they're especially heinous if you go to a club wearing white and have no idea that foam/mist might be dispensed at any moment on the dance floor. True, it's a great way to stay cool while you're getting all hot and sweaty, but it's also gross and can ruin an outfit or melt off your make-up.

9. Skeezy guys might throw drinks at you

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I'm a big believer that if you can't handle your liquor, you really shouldn't be drinking. And if drinking a lot means you might throw your drink at another person, then you shouldn't even enter a bar. No joke, one time I was at a nightclub and, after walking away from a guy who came up behind me and started groping/dancing with me, he threw his cocktail at me. You shouldn't have to endure getting drenched in alcohol for brushing off gross suitors.

8. Derogatory drinks

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At the clubs, even if you're someone who's used to getting no action, you'll still be able to suck on a Buttery Nipple, lap up a Pink Pussy or score a Blow Job. And don't get me started on all those Red-Headed Sluts you can get your hands on. Drinks like these make it acceptable to throw around offensive jargon, and, for now, there aren't any Big Dick cocktails in sight.

7. Discrimination at the door

It's no accident the prettiest ladies get ushered beyond the velvet rope, no questions asked, and normal-looking folk are left to peer their heads above the snaking line in hopes of getting in just past closing. How about bringing some diversity into clubs, including people of all shapes and sizes?

6. Bikini contests

There seems to be no dearth of bikini contests being thrown down at the bars and clubs in my area, but there is a serious lack of male eye candy parading around in lights. Where are all the Speedo competitions or all-male fashion shows? And why is it that whipped cream is so often involved in the ones that currently take place?