Posted at 1:29 PM Oct 22, 2009By Andrea Grimes
And so what do you do in that instance? When the male in question slips his hand underneath that clingy red fabric, his hand edging ever closer to an unmistakable elastic roadblock somewhere around mid-thigh? What do you do? Do you play the tease and swat his hand away? Do you make up an excuse -- my goodness, look at the time! -- pretending to be some kind of proper lady? Do you rip off those Spanx, taking this moment from soft-core make-out into a triple-X delight? Do you pretend it's normal, say nothing, as though all the girls are wearing restrictive bicycle shorts these days?To her credit, Hepola did not anticipate the make-out, and hence didn't think to not wear embarrassing underwear items. But the question that comes to my mind about Spanx is not What do you do? but Why wear them at all?
I mean, I get why we wear them. Because they're slimming. And slim is, at the moment, a kind of popular thing to be. But Spanx feel like a lie.
Of course, most of what we wear is a lie, especially as ladies: makeup to hide pimples and elongate lashes, high heels to lengthen legs, bras to push up our breasts. But Spanx take the fiction to a place I am not comfortable with. If we can't wear an outfit without girdling ourselves up underneath, shouldn't we find a different outfit to wear?
And the question of the Spanx sex is not an irrelevant one: is it fair to potential partners to advertise a slimmer figure? Is wearing Spanx the same thing as claiming to have a Ph.D. or a penthouse uptown? These are fictions you might be able to get away with for a time. But when it's time to get down to business, the control top has to come off.
If men wore codpieces--lord help us--I'd feel similarly about them. I'd see a guy with a nice bulge and think, "Yes, this thing is about the size of something I'd like to have sex with," but when we get to the bedroom, he's packing a roll of Lifesavers. Wearing Spanx and then taking them off only to reveal jiggly bits and rolls would make me more self-conscious about my body, not less. Staying Spanx-free means that if a guy takes a shine to me, he likes what I've got going on, jiggly bits and all.