Fine China: The Law Offices of Letterman, Bachmann and CRAZY

Posted at 8:47 AM Oct 02, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

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During my late teens and early 20's, I, like most normal college co-eds, would fantasize about a life as David Letterman's personal page/paramour. (IT'S NOT WEIRD, OKAY?) Turns out, my fantasies were not so far-fetched (and once again, NOT WEIRD). David Letterman admitted on his show last night to shtupping many of his female co-workers during his years at NBC. I had no idea, however, that Mr. Letterman was engaged in a committed relationship with Regina Lasko the majority of that time. As his fantasy page/paramour I would have smacked him in the face if he so much as looked at me funny. I got your back, lady.

Moving on to this week's sexy lady health news!

Tufts University enacted a new "No sex while roommate is present" policy which includes a "no sexiling" clause. For those of you who don't know "sexiling" is, it what happens when your roommate needs to do the sex and doesn't want you involved in the doing of it. As the sexilee, you must go elsewhere for that time period (insert 3-minute joke here) or, I guess, whine about it to the student council until they enact a stupid, unenforceable policy.

Smoking while pregnant makes psycho babies, according to a new report making the web med rounds. Something, something, something causes aggression and poor impulse control something something the crazies *scans article* OH THANK GOD SMOKING MARIJUANA IS STILL SAFE FOR THE PREGGOS. Whew.

A Swiss woman taking Yaz, the birth control pill for women who talk to their doctors while at a fancy night club sipping cocktails, died from the effects of pulmonary embolism. I don't know what to say about this other than I want my Brave New World fertility belt and I want it now people. My birth control options are not 21st century medicine ifthey can STILL KILL ME. Grumble.

Finally, crazy-eyed conservative Michele Bachmann took to the Congressional Floor this week to speak out against school based health clinics ("sex clinics" as she calls them) stating, "The bill goes on to say what's going to go on -- comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care--is that abortion?"

Why yes, Michele, it is abortion--if by "abortion" you mean "refer to a dermatologist" then yes, that is abortion. America's public school system in action, people. I mean, those cognitive leaps don't just make themselves, do they?

Comments

Lshygirl5 said:

I know many people who have been trying to sleep in their room or just sitting around when their roommate started to have sex with someone. It's so common now that I would not object to a no having sex while your roommate is in the room policy. Seriously, I am a senior in college and have talked to at least ten people who have had that experience. Sexiling, I don't have a problem with, I just don't want to be in the room while a roommate has sex.

melissasparkleypantslion said:

Okay, I too have been in the room while my roommate and her boyfriend got busy. This was horrible. It was also 15 years ago and I don't think we called it getting busy. I think we called it knockin' boots.

Also, come winter and heavy sweaters, I break out a little bit because my delicate skin needs to breathe and one can't breathe when it's 35 degrees out and raining. Here's my point: this year, to remedy the breakout, I'm going to get an abortion.

ken said:

sup krazybee??

what does it mean if my wife doesn't want to be in the room when i start having teh sex with her? does that count?

toywithme said:

All I want to know is who would want to do Letterman in the first place? Ewwww

toywithme said:

All I want to know is who would do Letterman in the first place? Ewwww

Nathalie said:

OMG I take Yaz. Where is my fancy nightclub and doctor boyfriend and martinis and whatnot?

Ducky said:

My question is: If there's a David Letterman sex tape, is Paul and the band in it?

gizella said:

the kindest way to do this without sexiling is to get your roomie a 40oz of malt liquor, a few joints, you all three party and watch the roomie pass out. Then you have the sex. That's what my first roommate did to me and it worked. See. Easy.

Crissy said:

I am so ashamed! I had sexy time with my boyfriend in a dorm while his roommate was there. WHAT? I drove 4 hours in the snow to see him and I wasn't about to just get a peck on the cheek and go home!

I'm a whore.

David said:

I love Letterman (since "back in the day") but really.......I'm thinking "Stockholm Syndrome".

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