Fine China: If health care doesn't kill your lady boner ...

Posted at 12:00 PM Oct 09, 2009

By Kiala Kazebee

This week's Fine China is a cornucopia of autumnal delights served to you on a bed of gentle snark and deep, abdominal belly laughter. Or maybe I'm getting the words "cornucopia" and "hodgepodge" mixed up. NO MATTER. A stew of Congressional health care news, lesbian-isms, men's magazine "wisdom" and bad birth control are simmering on the internet stove, awaiting your reading spoon. I apologize now for that metaphor. Please don't flame me.

  • Health reform is a woman's issue! Still! Female Democrats are stepping up to the plate and pushing the health reform agenda hard, reminding Congress that insurance companies routinely charge women more for health care and, in many states, domestic violence is considered a pre-existing condition. Guess which states. Go on, guess. I'll bet one of them rhymes with Bible Belt. On related note, I don't know what rhyming is.
  • According to this CNN Health article, lesbians are fat, depressed, alcoholics. To be fair, most Americans are fat, depressed, alcoholics so I suppose this assessment is pretty accurate?
  • Army of Darkness is a lady boner killer, according to Maxim magazine. Last time I checked, every single female friend of mine could recite at least two lines from this movie so to Maxim magazine, I say, "Klaatu Barada Nikto." There, Maxim, I SAID YOUR WORDS.
  • Men's Health published an article about Sex Secrets For Her, or some such thing and um ... it's actually pretty spot on. Why, yes, I do prefer to do it when the house is clean and my deadlines are met, and yes, positions do need to have a purpose rather than just fulfill some dude's recent porn fantasy. Congratulations to you, Men's Health, and thank you for paying attention!
  • Discovery Sexual Health says the pill "might induce women to mate with otherwise less-preferred partners, which might have important consequences for mate choice and reproductive outcomes". Basically, because we are no longer slaves to our non-ovulatory hormones, we will make poor choices for the evolution of our species. Heaven forbid we make our sexual decisions based on our brain pans, rather than the amount of facial hair or pectoral muscles on a dude. That would be awful.


Intern Meagan said:

Wait? Men's Health did that?

My mind has been blown. And I have a huge lady boner. Right. Now.

BorgQueen said:

The only depressed, alcoholic lesbians I know are one that haven't have much contact with other lesbians if you get my drift. Also, if domestic violence is a pre-existing condition then castration of violence-inducer should be considered preventative medicine.

Mjx said:

With regard to the article on the pill potentially wreaking havoc on our choices of breeding partners, it actually presents much a more balanced view than I'd expected:
I have definite reservations about Alexandra Alvergne's (postdoctoral research associate in the department of animal and plant sciences) speculations with regard to human behaviour; what Dr. William Hurd (reproductive endocrinologist) says in that article made a lot more sense, that is (for those who feel to depressed about the supposed conclusions of the article to want o read it):
"If you don't take into account society maybe we're all animals, but in social situations I don't think there are many women who change who they would mate with at different times of the month. It might change desires or perceptions but, gee whiz, that's a long stretch to changing who you would date, or even who you would go to dinner with."
"Probably the biggest change in my lifetime is how people meet each other: online and using programs that match them for compatibility," he said. "That's probably going to have a massive effect on how people end up dating and ultimately reproducing. Just because you like someone with a square jaw in the middle of your cycle probably doesn't affect who you end up with."

Frankly, I just hate that the pill makes me tend to feel more depressed, gain weight more easily, and if I'm super-lucky, I may develop fatal blood clots... my taste in men never seems to have been affected one way or the other (pill or not), over the long haul.

Jack Olson said:

The CNN article said "You may be experiencing domestic violence if you are in a lesbian relationship with someone who..." and then lists eleven possible signs of domestic violence. Wouldn't it be rather difficult to castrate anybody in a lesbian relationship?

Kiala said:

Clitoral castration maybe?


David said:

Sweet! I actually read a magazine that has received the Heartless Doll Seal of Approval(TM)?

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