My sister has lots of similiar pictures of her baby on her facebook page and I like looking at them. But then again I am the uncle and looking at pictures of my baby nephew never gets old for me.

I have no idea how other people feel about it.

I don't think you're crazy for not wanting children; there are far too many selfish people who are unsuited to parenthood and go ahead, breed, and make shitty parents due to their inability to put anyone before themselves.
So, basically, good for you! You've figured out you would be a terrible parent and are taking the appropriate steps to make sure you never ruin a child's life by being a mother. Kudos, honey, kudos! I DO hope you've been sterilized however, because fate has this incredibly nasty way of taking a good hard look, laughing evilly, and screwing plans all to hell.
Me, I have two kids. Love them, am damned glad I had them, and am tickled pink that I shall have no more. I love my Spawn but also recognize that I do NOT have enough love and patience in me to do it again. Tell that to my friends who are under the age of 33 and have 5 or more kids *shudders* and want MORE.
One little bit of advice for you: this rant very much looks like someone who CAN'T have kids and has come to grips with that situation by knocking down that which she can't actually experience herself. If this is the case then I offer my condolences; if it ISN'T, then, well, perhaps you might want to reread your post and think about why it's so, well, BITTER.
Now it's time to pack my little darlings off to school before I head off for my morning hike and then work. Those hugs and kisses goodbye from the Spawn are sure going to be tough to take, but I think I can swallow my gorge long enough to get through it.

Wootsauce! I would also add: growing a living thing inside me is just creepy. Scenes from Aliens often come to mind.

Great list.

You wouldn't have to give up drinking entirely while pregnant. I'm not sure where the cutoff is, but my sister was able to have a (full?) glass of wine.

I've been seriously waivering on this point lately. The whole pain of shoving a full human out of my hee-haw vs. the pleasure of reading to my child.

Then I realized I only want to do the fun stuff, so I'll just offer to babysit once in a while to get it out of my system.

NO BABIES.

But also...NO TUBAL LIGATION.

I don't like any of my options.

And here I thought I was the only person who felt that way, and I just finished my lunch of buffalo wings! I've always been horrified at the thought of pregnancy/having children, and it's so bad that seeing pregnant women makes me nauseous. I always feel like they might explode.

I agree with Adri. I wouldn't make a good mother AT ALL, so it's just as well that I not try. Children aren't something you can return within 30 days with a receipt.

also, http://theshapeofamother.com

*shudders*

Thanks for not breeding femfags. With your genes not "winning" we won't have to worry about your annoying traits populating the world. Its like a genocide, but your doing it to yourselves.

Wow SOMEONE has issues.
Look I understand some people are just not made for parenthood. But most of the reasons you listed are just stupid, even for a humor article.

Adri - For the record, I have no idea if I can have children or not. I have no reason to believe I couldn't. But if the doctor told me tomorrow I was sterile, there would be a party in the streets. And also probably in my pants.

@ Crystal

coincidentally, most of the reasons FOR having children are stupid too.

I agree with all of those reasons. I won't ever have kids because I find kids to be in general really annoying.

The whole process of getting pregnant is pretty creepy. A dude shoots living organisms into my body which causes a growth in my uterus that continues to grow until it pushes out of my vagina, starts screaming and doesn't stop for years. Thank you, but no thank you. That sounds like one of the layers of hell. Although, at one point I had lived a life where this kind of sexual intercourse was normal. I now find it and it's product absolutely gross...probably along the lines of how a percentage of the population finds lesbian sex to be gross. Don't get me wrong. Babies are adorable, once cleaned up and able to hold their heads up by themselves...but the thought of where they came from...ick. ps. i feel this way about adults, and i am not a big hand shaker becauseof it.

Heather, if you're that squeamish, you may not want to look too closely into how yogurt or types of bread are made.

I will have kids one day, but to be honest, somedays the thought of having them grosses me out so bad. Having to deal with them all of the time? Daipers, vomiting, drooling. My dog is cleaner. *shudder* I'm sure i'll love them, but that doesnt mean I have to love all the extra nasty bits that come with them. I have seen my niece and nephew, and while cute from afar, it doesnt take much for them to start a screaming fit. But when I do have my child, I'd rather have the little parasite-like-critter cut out than have it ripped screaming through my vagina. Screw all that hippy crappy natural birth junk. ugh.

In reply to Adri: This woman doesn't want kids. No idea why that is so shocking. YOU sound like someone who is JEALOUS of her freedom otherwise why be so critical. I am a mother of two kids and honestly should have waited a bit longer to have them. I never even considered that it was an option not to have kids. It's drilled into women since they are little girls to want kids. I don't think she is bitter, I think YOU are. Keep convincing yourslef that you are so fulfilled. If you are honest like I am you definitely wonder what kind of life you would have had without them. Having kids or not having them are just different paths. One is not better and the road without them doesn't necessarily make someone bitter.

SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T WANT KIDS! It's idiots like you that make women feel bad for not having them.

For God's sake (or for the edification of real adults, in case your an atheist), GROW UP.

One side says "Having Kids is great! Why you so scared!"
One Side says "Having Kids would suck!"
I say "I have kids and all points of view are correct."

I don't want them either, not that I wouldn't be a good mother but life is way too short and I have too much to do. Plus you can be an aunt and have lots of fun with a kid and then give them back to their parents, so why would you breed?

Ah, Andrea, how I can relate...the quality whiskey and unicorn reference - oh, yes, even a unicorn that pooped rainbows couldn't inspire me to have a baby. And I guess I have this habit of talking to small children like they are puppies (this was pointed out to me when I tried to get a two year old to pick up a ball). I agree with the mother about Adri - seriously, why are you judging or assuming Andrea is bitter or sterile? and the comment from dzent that she should "grow-up" - what?! people who don't want kids are not real adults?! no, real adults make real decisions based on real choices, not the ones bestowed on them (us) by society or our parents. :)~

When people ask me how my wife and I feel about being parents, I compare it to going through puberty. It creates a long list of problems one didn't anticipate and it is irrevocable. It is also hard to explain the compensations of it to anybody who hasn't done it, especially since these are largely subconscious. I can try to explain, though, that it changes one's attitude toward sex. I have noticed that a cute four-year-old girl is the best chick magnet ever discovered, much better than an expensive car or a purebred dog. Also, fatherhood has given me a keen appreciation for the attractions of MILF's. If you've had a baby you're likely to look like it but there are some men to whom stretch marks and C-section scars look attractive because they know how they got there.

The thought of getting myself sterilized brings me so much joy. I would also add to that list that buying a gorgeous pair of shoes or an awesome purse far outweighs the pleasure from buy 749308574 diapers a week. Children are a drain financially and are always messy, loud, leaking something or just plain delinquents. Add that to the fact that ecologically they are the a bad idea... you get the point. There is no health benefit to having children. Some of the above posters should google the phrase "breeder bingo".

Awesomely funny article. I am thrilled that now I am childless and in my 40s, I don't have to listen to the assholes who insist that I MUST have children to have a fulfilling life. If ya' don't want them, don't have them, there's nothing wrong with that.

I just want to add that buffalo wings don't love you back. Life may have thrown me into the fryer a few times but I'm really glad my mom had me. At least that's what I'm saying today. And also; Who are you trying to convince? There IS nothing wrong with not having kids but these reasons you're giving don't seem like a big deal either. You could hang up those hang-ups. No need to freak

Awesomely funny article! I am childless by choice, and always will be, and it always makes me laugh to see how people with children get so flustered by this. For the record, I like children and I think it's great if other people want to have them. I'm always the first to send cards and cute little baby booties to friends who have babies.

So I don't understand why, if I'm happy for other people's decisions, they can't be happy for mine? When parents start lecturing me about how I should want to have kids and how that is the only way to have a fulfilling life, who are they trying to convince? Me, or themselves?

The naps part is my favorite reason in her list.

For me, being able to retire last year at the age of 45 is the best one. Being able to spend more of my free time doing volunteer work at area schools is up there, too. I'll be doing some of that later today, in fact. :)

Agreed. Wholeheartedly. Now if we could go ahead and tackle why I'm forced to go to one of the procreation capitols of the universe (India) to get my tubes tied because it costs INFINITY dollars in the US (although I've yet to find a doc to do said procedure on a childless 30 year old, so that doesn't even matter) while any one of my trysts can get clipped for $400.00 bucks THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

Frick frick FRICK!

Meh, at least I'll get to see the Taj Mahal.

Every time I think I want a kid, I get stuck near a bawling one on a plane or a bratty one in a restaurant.

So I'll be the crazy aunt instead of the cranky, bitter mom, thanks.

I'm really surprised that all these proud, indignant mothers would be reading this post anyway. I mean, the woman is obviously not a mommyblogger; what did you expect? Kids are not some sort of off-limit topic for humor. And the oppressive cultural stigma attached to those women who fervently desire to remain childless warrants, in my opinion, plenty of bitterness and venom.

Lighten up, breeder ladies. Just because your vaginas now hang like the sleeves of an ancient Chinese administrator is no reason to be a hater.

LOVE THIS!! My sister and I are both in our forties and childless by choice. We always feel like a minority in a world world so intent on reproducing. Of course its considered politically incorrect to express the opinion that you ever find children annoying. I agree with whoever said that being an aunt is way better. I love having my little nephew spend a day or two with me but I’m always happy to send him home too. I don’t know how mom’s do it 24/7, its exhausting. I love the one about napping too!

@Pete

Your offsprings may love you back, but they also have the choice to hate you until you die...then they'll regret it.

Andrea, you say that you value sleep more than the future of the human race. I bid you to take a look at [the future of] the human race. Not having kids [when you don't want one or don't feel responsible enough for one] might actually save the future of the human race than doom it.

I want to have kids someday, but I'm still young and can really identify with all the things you listed. Plus, like you said... IT COMES OUT FROM IN BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!!1! Plus, despite the fact that I was a biology/pre-med student, I still have the completely irrational fear that if I was pregnant, my belly would pop if I even bumped it lightly against ANYTHING. I hope I get over this, though.

Oh my God, I love this post. I feel the exact same way. I LOVE my vagina just as it is. No floppity-scarred vagina for me, thanks much. And yeah, I love sleeping/eating/doing whatever I want WHEN I want. I bet I could come up with 100 reasons why I don't want a kid....

THANK YOU! I love that you have said MOST of what I've said about children. Add the fact that pets are less expensive and less trouble and you've got my standard answer to why I haven't whelped.

I really do hate people who think I'm some horrid person because I don't feel the need to reproduce. Who the hell do they think they are insisting that I should have a kid because I have a uterus. I also have a gun. Does that mean I should kill someone?

Geesh.

hahahaha I love this!

pregancy is gross, babies are gross, toddlers are gross, and teenagers are assholes.

While I fully appreciate the fact that in this day and age women have the full on right to not have children or be expected to (by a partner, their parents, and society in general) I look at this list and the people on it and secretly am happy, because selfish people who can only think of themselves and their needs should NOT have children. Children are not accessories, they are HARD WORK. Being a parent is difficult. I think that society has generally deluded people into thinking that it is a novelty to have a child, and that they raise themselves. I will not say that you need to have money or a particular job to be a parent. Being involved and active in your child's life, as well as offering them room to grow and change is essential. Obviously parents need time to themselves, and they need breaks. They need rest and they need space. I get that. If you work 60 hour weeks and are extremely committed to your job and wouldn't have the time to give a child the attention that it needs? Okay. But worrying about not drinking alcohol for 9 months (and even longer if you breastfeed?) Seriously? If alcohol is fundamentally important to your life, you definitely shouldn't have kids. Don't want kids because you don't want kids, not because of some superficial "sacrifice" you have to make to have them.

I don't think people that don't want to have kids are bad people, nor do I think that they are ultimately selfish. I think there can be selfish reasons (like not wanting to give up something), or worrying about what will happen to your vagina (yes, its called a vagina, not a "hoo-ha" or any other ridiculous term is use these days). I think not wanting to be a parent because you value your job, or you have enough to worry about paying bills, because you want more education, because you can't give a child the things it needs, or that you are fulfilled without kids. Being fulfilled without kids, doesn't include excessive alcohol consumption or worrying about what you might look like if you had kids.

Also kids are "noisy and gross" because they are learning about the world, they don't posses the filters and knowledge that adults have... I am sure every person who commented was sick at least once, crapped their pants at least once, and threw at least one tantrum... Also, the expectations parents (and other adults) seem to have in regards to child behavior, oh say, on an airplane are too high. Any child but a very well behaved and calm five year old can't sit still for extended periods, especially if they are BORED. And babies cry, because they can't communicate with words to express their displeasure/pain or hunger. This is why babies cry on airplanes. Their ears hurt (my ears always kill on planes, but I am capable of dealing with it, or quietly voicing my suffering). Shooting a mother dirty looks on a plane because her child is crying? Please. And don't say, well she shouldn't take him on a plane.. what if they need to go on the plane, just like everyone else on it? The kid isn't doing it to piss you off, they are doing it because they are a KID.

(And I DON'T have kids)

Why just babies, I guess a case can be made for most cats and dogs as well, which are equally f**king annoying, if not more.

I don't think it's selfish to not want kids... I think it's selfish TO want kids. If I ever do break down and make babies, I anticipate that it will feel self-indulgent and an effort to scratch an itch... the "should" itch. I "should" have babies. I "should" pass on my genes. I "should" experience a mother-baby bond in my life. With the exception of my pretty damn good genes being passed on, none of these things are good for the planet.