Women as seen through Daily Mail headlines

Posted at 8:05 AM Sep 22, 2009

By Andrea Grimes

​While my breakfast of yogurt 'n Kashi may nourish my body, I know that I can't be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. So I check the Daily Mail every morning to make sure that my brain and soul get a little bit of good, old-fashioned rot in them. But this morning, the "Femail" headlines seemed particularly obnoxious. That's because I realized that each of them either encourages and perpetuates "woman" stereotypes or shames women for that same women-specific behavior that results from anxiety about gender role pressure. You don't even have to read the articles--the sexism is right there in the blurby terribleness of the headlines:

Keisha Buchanan breaks down in tears in party after being 'forced' out of band the Sugababes - Emotional woman, unable to control her feelings in public, has catfight with her so-called friends. Everyone knows there's no such thing as real female friendship. Those snooty bitches.

Victoria Beckham looks skinnier than ever (even compared to a room full of models at London Fashion Week) - How dare Victoria Beckham have the nerve to look any way but the way we want her to look? Which is not this skinny, but maybe the skinny she was 6 months ago. As long as she's not skinny like fashion models, who clearly have skinny problems. Basically, there's like exactly one weight you can be, and we're going to call you out if you're not that. Good luck figuring out what it is.

Don't push it, buster! Katy Perry gets a helping hand on wild and wet video shoot - Babes! Katy Perry! Wildness! Wetness! Girls gone wild! They love this shit!

  
Move over, Geldof girls: meet Tavi, the 'tiny' blogger with the fashion industry at her feet - How awesome is it that this 13-year-old blogger is flown out to fashion week, posed like a fashion model and lauded for her "petite" frame? Gosh, I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she's thirt-fucking-teen? At least she's really getting a chance to be a kid. Then again, 13 years old is only 2away from 15, and that's about when it's okay to put them on stripper poles at the Kids' Choice Awards, right?

Anna Wintour's face says it all as she shares front row with upstarts Pixie Geldof and Alexa Chung at London Fashion Week - I mean, apart from the fact that it's a problem that Anna Wintour isn't warm and fuzzy the way women ought to be, she's also a hateful, jealous cougarbitch who can't handle the fact that the young women around her are successful. She should know that women need to always show niceness and kindness when in public--but not cry or freak out, like Keisha did, above. It's a fine line. You'll know you've crossed it when we tell you you've crossed it.

Now little lady Suri stops traffic in a pair of dress-up heels - Remember 13-year-old fashion blogger Tavi? Yeah, it's okay if she grows up too fast by being surrounded by vapid, materialist shitheads who think it's cute that she likes fashion. But if Suri Cruise wears the same dress-up heels every other little girl wears, she's growing up too fast. I can't even believe we have to explain this to you.

Feel free to check out Femail and add your own takes in the comments. I'm going to go drink a pot of scalding coffee and stab myself in the eye with an eyeshadow brush in hopes of feeling something ever again.